White knuckling sobriety

Emotional Support
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I am 18 months into sobriety and yesterday I was staring down a glass of champaign and had already taken the first sip, before a friend took it out of my hand. I let him. Gratefully. I would have finished it. I took a deep breath and went home. I felt so angry, dissapointed and desperate. But mostly terrified. I cried until I could no more and then went to bed. Today I need to think about how I got there and how I make sure, this does not happen again.

I’ve been reading a lot on here about how people felt ready to try again after a while, how they thought they’d be cured. I am not sure. I feel this is not what happened. Or maybe it is? I don’t know.

When I decided to meet up with people that had brought a lot of emotional turmoil into my liIfe, I consciously decided to not pay attention to my belly feeling. They are good people, but they are drawing a lot of energy and I wasn’t always good at rebalancing myself after. I have been meeting them less frequently, but yesterday I needed to get out of my head and wanted to connect with humans really badly. So I overruled the gut feeling and went anyways.
Once I was there, I felt awkward and all wrong and singled out. It’s a feeling I have been having a bit more often ever since it became clear, that children and couples life is not the thing I am doing right now. A comment on my current life situation, certainly made with good intentions but out of line nonetheless, didn’t help my overall level of anxiety. Someone had brought champaign to celebrate a promotion and when the bottle popped open I wasn’t ready for it. I really wanted to feel like I belong and get rid of this miserable feeling of alieness. I hadn’t asked for the drink, but for the first time in a year and a half I did not say no. My mind did not step in. Instead it made me think that this is going to be an easy fix.

Did I think I was cured? No. But I did think I had control over it.

I haven’t had cravings for months. I had no cravings last night. I did not want alcohol in particular. I wanted a crutch. I wanted a break. I wanted an easy way out. It was freaking scary and I still want to cry, when I think about how unprepared I was.

I feel kind of beaten today. Something has to change. I do want to move forward and last night was an impressive step backwards. I’ve come really far on my own, but I realize yesterday wasn’t just a coincidence. It happened because I was trying to do everything on my own. I let no one in and I never asked for help on the way.

Thank you for letting me put this out here and share. I am grateful for your thoughts. :orange_heart:

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That sounds like a scary situation to be in. Does that strengthen your resolve to stay sober? It sounds like you do alot of the right things. It’s good that you came here to write this all out.

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It’s good your friend stepped in.
Sorry to hear of your relapse. You did stop and I also would be asking myself many of these questions you are.
I’m glad your still here and the support here you know is for you too. Try not to dwell on it too much and concentrate on moving forward, which from your post you seem to be wanting to do. Try not letting the low feelings keep you in a dark place.
Big hugs :people_hugging:

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That was a close one. Sending you hugs :people_hugging::people_hugging::people_hugging::people_hugging::people_hugging:

I have a similar problem - overruling my gut feeling only produces things I don’t want. I also know the drain of energy people and situations can cause allthough I really like those people. I don’t have an answer how to deal with it. I rarely see those my people, I don’t want to be extra exhausted anymore, this attitude developed over the last years. And it made me lonely sometimes.

Good you came here. We are all together in this. You are not alone. ODAAT :sunflower:

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2017 rehab for 3 months after 12 months off work daily drinking.
Got sober but it’s a two fold illness. An obsession of the mind that comes after physical addiction.
I’m 6 months sober in two weeks.
6 years of thinking that thought of I’ve been sober for a while PERHAPS JUST ONE.
If we weren’t alcoholics we wouldn’t have that all consuming obsessive thing around it.
So it touched your lips there’s probably more alcohol in a trifle. Stop crucifying yourself.
Not been on here in a while and hope this helps you as much as it has me writing it
G.B

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The first sentence seems to be the how of why this happened and the second one is your why. I’m sorry that yesterday was rough. Today is a new day and yesterday showed you an area of a potential future trigger. There is always more work to be done on ourselves. Rest up and get down to it. :mending_heart::heart:

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Yes, thank you, it does. I need to adjust my tools a bit, I think, but I am not going back.

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I think you are right. Thank you for you kind words :pray:.

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Man im sitting here same situation 7 days sober and i stopped by my friends and he hands me a beer i have started to drink it and i feel so disappointed in myself ur doing great keep it up and u know were all gonna still be here in recovery we are taking the steps to walk away from addiction we just have to keep going forward its a daily struggle and a life long commitment to sobriety i was 8mo sober b4 i had a drink last week i have to keep on track so do u im here with u god bless us all and i pray all of us on here can keep on going solid we all fall just get back up and move forward.

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Tense social situations always have been my weak spot. Still licking my wounds a bit, but tomorrow will be already better than today. Thank you for your encouragement @erntedank @Twizzlers :orange_heart:

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You know what to do, many times I had to just get back to the basics of sobriety… you have the right outlook, keep it up :slightly_smiling_face:

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Awwww friend! First, big hugs to you. And second, I am so proud of you coming here with honesty and your guard down.

I can relate to this so much.

I had 16 months sobriety, and no inclination of ending it. I wasn’t being honest with myself about some things in my life, though - of course I see that now. I have always loved my solitude, healthily! And connection too. Things started mildly opening up between pandemic waves and I went on a work trip, met some new people, got asked out on a date! The first in forever, not that I had been looking to date. I even ordered tea with our curries. And a glass of prosecco after dinner. Just like that. Which I didn’t even finish. It was just that I was feeling so normal, and the conversation was going so well. Just as you say…

It’s both/and. I do love my solitude. I love being Auntie to my friends kids. I love making my own decisions about my life and, especially at this stage of my life, being single. And it’s okay to admit now that I sometimes really don’t. Sometimes I feel so “less than”. Let’s face it - both can be pure delight, and both can royally suck.

In my case - I turned the date into a relatively unhealthy 6-month relationship, and after I ended that, it took a few penalty laps to get back to a solid Day 1, but here I am, almost 11 months later. I joined Dharma Recovery while I was still getting my footing, and my longtime therapist (so grateful for that dude) and I unpacked that less-than stuff too – applying my program/the Dharma to it.

There will still be bumps ahead in the road, of course, but if I keep my recovery active, I have sneaky binoculars to see the bumps and plan ahead. The uneasy feeling about any social interactions? A good sign to pay attention. Or even on this forum, it’s not people’s posts that are the issue, but my reaction to them that is good information. Mostly I’m all happy for others, but when people are grateful for their families and partners and I’m getting quietly resentful? I pay attention to that now instead of running from it. (Which also doesn’t mean being hard on myself!)

Usually it’s time for some self-care. Booking some time with myself to do something I want. Making a lovely meal - for me. Booking a date or even phone call with a friend whose company I deeply enjoy and feel safe around. Bath bombs! The Gratidudes. Birdsong. Damn, those winged friends have heard me say everything and they haven’t gone anywhere…

Neither are we.

Big hugs. :orange_heart:

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What a good friend you have! 🩵

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I think you have a real good friend.
Thank you for coming here and writing about this openly. It helps a lot to understand. Like we have to be vigilant. And I really understand that awkward social situation and how in a split second you feel out. It helps me to remember friends I have that have never drunk alcohol in their lives and how they react. They might feel uncomfortable as well but wouldn’t take it on them. I think this is the healthy way to deal with it.

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Thank you so much for taking the time to write. I always appreciate your replies on here. Sometimes I get blocked looking at what isn’t there, that I forget to appreciate what is. I needed to hear that it’s ok to be me and I am not alone with some things. It felt like the hug I needed. Thank you, friend :orange_heart:

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It’s so good that you’re here talking to us about it Pandita :heart:

Your friend is worth their weight in gold :moneybag: A true friend if I ever heard of one. The first thing I would do is thank this friend for their intervention. As scary as this time was for you, I’d also recognise that it was also a moment for gratitude. They clearly know you well enough to take that drink away, they know how much your sobriety means to you.

Your want for a sober life doesn’t suddenly disappear because you drank a little alcohol. But it is a flare in the sky to say you were caught off guard in a social situation, and that you were feeling alone in that moment. Now you know the areas that need work, how you will address this going forward? You weren’t prepared, so what would have helped in that moment in time? Did you even need to be there? How can you stay out of harms way if you have to do something like this again?

Hopefully something you can relate to - I was caught out on a boat to France. I was completely blind sided by the atmosphere, I caved. I found myself ‘trapped’ on a boat with a load of happy people drinking because they were going on their holiday and looking forward to it. I say trapped, because that is how I felt in that moment. It was the first time I really felt out of place as sober person. I had not prepared for it at all, and that one drink lasted 14 months. I wish I had your friend with me! I will be on that boat again because we love France, but this time I will be going on board with a plan of action. I will not be sitting in any of the seating areas where people are drinking to start with. Everyone seems to congregate around the lounge area on the boat as it sets sail, wanting to see out the window as we leave land. Next time, I won’t be there, there are other parts of the boat I can be. And when I queue the next morning like everyone else for breakfast, I’ll be glad I’m not starting off my holiday with a hangover like them.

Pandita, your experience shook you up. While the threat of falling off the wagon is frightening, you have got to take the positives out of this. Spend some time working on your why’s again. I think when we have been off our DOC’s for a long time, we can get a little complacent and assume we are safe. The truth is, our sobriety will always be something we need to guard. I didn’t know that the first time around, but I know it now.

I’m sending you the biggest hug, it’s going to be okay Pandita. You just need to do a little reflection and some work on guarding your sobriety my lovely :rose: :heart::people_hugging:

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There is a comment I hear from time to time in AA meetings, that you cannot fix what is broken with what is broken. Meaning that our thinking and justification and denial were the symptoms and contributing factors to our alcoholism, and “trying harder” or using logical arguments is simply going to fail us at some point.

Denial comes in many forms, and “consciously decided to not pay attention to my belly feeling” is for sure one of them. I made conscious decisions to ignore the warning flags in my thoughts and emotions. At times I would justify those decisions because “I was lonely” or “I should be able to handle this situation”.

I had to learn to ask for help, then to accept the help given. I had to practice doubting my own thoughts like “Oh, AA won’t work for me, I’m not a groups kind of guy” and to simply follow the lead of others who had successfully stayed sober.

One more thing for you to consider is that you did take the first sip of the champagne. That was not an accident, it was deliberate. That is your actions screaming at your brain and your feelings and your spiritual connection that “SOMETHING IS WRONG HERE”. Please listen to that warning. :pray:

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Wow, that is spot on. I can see now, how I was falling back into an unhealthy pattern right there when I decided to go meet these friends, despite the feeling I had about going there. I was forcing something and trying harder to make a friendship work in certain way, that had proven to be harmful before. It’s really time to face some uncomfortable truth about my part in this. You pointed out something really helpful there. Thank you so, so much :pray:

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Thank you @Binx for your kind reply. I was pretty shaken up yesterday, but today already feels a lot better and I am back on track. It really sucked to find myself in that spot. I am really grateful for my friend giving me a hand there and I also told him. We’ve known each other for a long time and I am grateful he had my back. You are right, I got complacent and took my sobriety for granted. I’ve gotten really great insights from you and others here on how to move on. I am going to be okay, I think. :orange_heart:

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You are so welcome. And thank you, too.

You know, I know that programs call it different things - Higher Power for one. There’s God and/or the god within. Whatever it is - I do sense from your posts that nature is profoundly calming and grounding for you, as it is for me. I’m not sure if this would work for you, but I’ve become very intentional about spiritually connecting to nature - on the daily usually - and I would say it’s been transformative for me. It almost seems like all I have to do is show up, and it does the work to keep us connected.

Just a thought. Always happy to banter with you. PM me if you ever need or want. Hugs. :orange_heart:

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