Who am I now I am sober?

Life in Recovery
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My name is Ree and I am a newbie to this community.

I am 26 days sober after drinking for 25 years. This is my second attempt at sobriety. I managed last time to stay sober for 6 months before I fell again. I stopped doing all the things that helped me remain sober because I thought I was “cured”. I wasnt. I began to drink again when life got hard and in the end it consumed my life once again.

I was so ashamed that I had slipped that i hid it from everyone. I even detoxed alone. I only told my loved ones after I reached day 7. Then I told them the extent to which I had fallen. I had began drinking up to 2L of wine a day and hid it by decanting into bottles of non alcoholic wine. No one knew how bad things had gotten.

This time I have put everything into my recovery. I take Naltrexone and Campril, speak with my D & A therapist weekly, participate in CBT, attend a secular AA zoom meeting twice a week, joined yoga and cut down on my hours at work to allow me to heal from my burnout as an ICU nurse which contributed to my “rock bottom”.

I continue to struggle with my anxiety and grief over the fact that I can never have alcohol again. I will never feel numb like that again. I would give anything to feel like that again. Life doesnt hold joy for me anymore. Everything i enjoyed doing…listening to music, housework, craft, renovations, singing, conversing, reading…all those things now feel different sober.

I want to get to a place where I enjoy life again and do it sober because I am a better version of me when I do not drink.

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Who are you now? Well…Who do you want to be now that you have a chance to redefine yourself…:thinking::thinking::thinking::thinking:

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To be honest I really dont know the answer to that. Apart from not drunk. I see things differently now I am sober. I feel so much now. I dont quite know how to deal with that yet.

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For now then take solace in your sobriety and who are NOT anymore. Addiction claims so many before they even get that chance.

Then think about who it is you want to become. One goal would be to become the best version of yourself.

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Thank you for your sound advise. It is much appreciated :pray:

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Im almost to 6 months sober and am still discovering sober me. After the first 30 days and involvement in AA i feel hopeful and excited about the future. In the meantime im doing alot of firsts sober and it can be tough and ackward but its sooo worth it

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I attend AA zoom meetings because there is only one group near my house and is usual on when I am working. I find it has helped to talk to others who understand addiction and how it makes you feel. My loved ones are so supportive but simply dont understand because an addiction has never taken over their life. It is a comfort to know i am not alone.

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Hey Ree! You will get to the day when the thoughts of never drinking again no longer overwhelms you. You have to get some sober days in. It’s great that you are working a program. Treat yourself with the respect and kindness you deserve. It will get better.

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Hello, welcome. This app has helped me a lot. Im 8 months sober and still trying to figure out how to grieve the last 10 years.

25 years is a long time. Those patterns of addiction and detatchment from self are strong. Healing fully unfortunately means a lot of grief.

It sounds cliche but sometimes the mantra “one day at a time” is the only thing that helps. :mending_heart:

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I can not wait to be able to say this to someone in the future. Thank you for your words :heart:

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For me “one day at a time” is all I can manage. And i will keep trying to do that. Thank you for your encouragement :pray:

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You’ll get there, give it time.

When I first quit, like many others, I was sad, depressed, like I lost a best friend. I lamented the fact that I couldnt drink again. Eventually, my disposition changed.

I went from “Oh man, I can’t ever drink again” to “Hot diggity dog, I don’t have to drink again, ever!”.

Keep working your program and that day will happen before you know it!!

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Hi Ree,

I completely understand this feeling. I was completely lost in my first few months of sobriety and the thought of never drinking again was overwhelming. I don’t knkw how to share a thread, but here is my attempt:

It has been a journey of self-discovery, feeling all the feelings, and learning who I am without being impaired by alcohol. Not easy, but I’m happy I’m on that path. I’m still learning (and there are days when I still wish I could drink, but those are fewer now and I have tools to re-think about why I’m feeling that pull, and let it go), but can say that not only am I a happier person without alcohol in my life, but my loved ones feel much more loved and cared for now that I’m 100% here.

I don’t want to disappear into numbness again. Every minute of life is too precious to throw it away like that. :pray::heart:

I’m glad you’re back here.

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Welcome! I get what you are expressing. It is a big question…especially for those of us who drank a long time.

For myself, I had never allowed myself to feel real emotions as an adult. I was always either hung over, waiting on drinking again, drinking or thinking about drinking. There was always some residual alcohol or drug in my system, you know? And I only knew, and had only experienced, everything in life thru the lens of me as a drinker. So yeah, how do we learn to relish and find joy in this new scary way of being…aka sober and recovering?

For me, I had to learn a few things…that thoughts beget feelings and both thoughts and feelings are fleeting…they come and they go…if we allow them to (and we don’t drink at them). Feelings are just feelings, we can release them…but we get scared by them or so used to numbing them, we do not know how to let them go, if that makes sense to you. We see them as good or bad…when they just are part of our human experience. And yes, they can drag us down and sometimes we are low and sad and that too is okay. Feeling is part of being human, feeling down or numb doesn’t mean you are broken or a mess, just human. If we get ‘stuck’ there, CBT or other forms of therapy can help move us through…but we can often do this ourselves thru movement, journaling, self kindness, etc.

Many of us have to learn what it is to allow and feel our feelings. To let that depression that settles in because of alcohol to lift (alcohol is a strong depressant and it can take time to heal body and mind after withdrawing it). This takes time.

Sobriety can be a time of discovery. Finding things you love that make you feel nourished body mind and soul. And one of the very best things can be self love. Finding our selves again is a beautiful thing. Learning to trust that we can and do heal and we can and do build healthy full lives in recovery is a blessing. Especially after so long of treating our bodies and selves with disregard. :heart:

It does take time, but it does happen if we stick with it and start looking at the why’s of our drinking and building a life and self that allows to be okay with being a human and feeling ALL that life offers, comfort, joy, pain, grief…it is all okay.

Self discovery! An exciting adventure. :purple_heart:

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The most important thing is to stick with your sobriety. One day at a time as they say…each day you stay sober is an accomplishment. Especially in early sobriety, I think it’s good to find joy in the little things, and to not be too hard on yourself. Like daunting, huge plans and goals - there will be time for that later.

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I was feeling so alone and tbh desperate yesterday then I wrote that thread and got responses. Now today I have woken to more and for the first time in almost a month I feel hope. I dont feel so alone. I went to bed last night and I got good quality sleep. I have woken clear headed. For that I am grateful. Thank you to each and everyone of you who took the time to reach out and share and encourage. I hope you realise that you literally talked me off the ledge.

Today is a blessed day because I am not only sober for another day I also celebrate the 16th birthday of my precious son. And I celebrate 4 years as a non smoker! He asked me on his 12th birthday if i could give up cigarettes and I did. I smoked for over 25 years and quit for him that day. I tell you that was an addiction that I definitely found much easier to overcome!

I gave up drinking for him and his little sister. I gave up drinking to save my marriage and my friendships. But everyday I am sober for me. So I can be a better more present mother to my beautiful children. A better more present wife to my amazing husband. A better more present friend to those who continue to love and stand by me. A better version of me.

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Your post makes me happy. :blush: Happy 16th birth day to you and your son. :heart: And congrats on 4 years smoke free!!! That is fantastic!!!

When I quit smoking, my drinking really ramped up…perhaps you found the same? Always needing some escape hatch. What a relief to let all that go.

Enjoy your very special day!!

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None of these are inherently drinking related and you might find them enjoyable once again, when you are more comfortable with your sobriety.

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Don’t feel ashamed you detoxed alone so did I. I vomited for 24 hours and had crazing Jason Bourne type hallucinations I thought I was in a mental hospital for about 24 hours. Family was downstairs watching TV. Nobody knows this but you guys and me. Big deal. You’re sober

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This message made me shed a little tear. :blue_heart:
Read ‘This Naked Mind’, by Annie Grace. It completely changed my attitude towards alcohol. Order it now online, and then listen to a few Naked Life Stories from the This Naked Mind podcast series whilst you’re waiting for it to be delivered.
It worked for me.
The longer you are sober, the more your confidence and self esteem will grow and the more you will realise that you don’t need affirmation or approval from anyone else.
You probably don’t realise it at the moment (I didn’t!), but the effects of the alcohol that you have consumed over a lifetime are contributing to making you feel like you do. Over time those effects will diminish and it will all fall into place - but you’ll only see that if you stay sober long enough.

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