It’s always has been me, but in a childish, unhealthy way, until I quit using booze and drugs and started my journey of Discovery. As a very small child I decided no one was to be trusted. So I let no one ever get close and tried to live my life on my own terms. But not letting anybody near, and choosing substances as my friends instead, prevented me from ever growing into an adult. Prevented me from loving, loving both myself and others.
Only now, in my fifties, through therapy and daily work, and made possible by being sober and clean, can I truly begin to work on loving myself. By letting others into my heart and by sharing what I have to share, and by believing I am worth it to be loved and that others are worth it to be loved too. We’re all the most important person in our own stories but we’re in this together.
I really am the most important person in my life right now. When I used to gamble, I did put myself last and tried to self-destruct and almost succeeded at one point. I believe this was autoagression and I didn’t like me deep down inside. By putting myself first, I am now a better mother to my daughter, a better wife, a better friend, a better daughter.
I feel like there are two different 'me’s. One is more emotional and dealing with traumas from the past and acts impulsively at times, while the other me is more logical, patient, and wise. I have compassion and patience for the first part of me, and respect for the second part of me who is always kindly (but firmly) questioning that first part of me in order to figure out how to work through issues, why they exist, and the best way to emotionally heal so that it shows up in my actions and choices.
My husbo has also been instrumental in my personal growth over the years as well. I am constantly appreciative of his patience and logical personality.
