I’m sorry you went through that Jess. It’s such a powerful feeling of shame and regret.
It’s a good reason to make a change. The good news is that never has to happen again.
Many of us here have been in your shoes, having hurt our partners. We’ve all had to make a change & learn to live life sober without running to the numbness and escape of our addictions. You can learn that too.
Have you considered joining a recovery group? It is a great way to learn to walk a recovery path & maintain your recovery - from people who’ve been there before:
Online meeting resources
Take care Jess and remember: you’re a good person who deserves a safe, sober life where you can be your full self.