My last two visits with my mother before she died in July did not go well. On the occasion of the first one I was asked to leave and even while visiting her on her own deathbed to say good bye my father’s actions made it very uncomfortable. I remember walking to my car after saying goodbye and I did get close to tears and maybe think I should run back inside and hug her goodbye one last time and say lots of wonderful things to her.
After that moment of near tears I realized that what I was really sad about is that I didn’t have a normal goodbye for her and that I didn’t have a list of nice things to say. I was sad about how abnormal the situation was and I longed for a normal relationship that never existed. I had distanced myself from my parents many years ago and it was what it was.
All of that past and such aside I thought to myself was she the reason I drank in excess for so many years? No. The reason I drank in excess was due to my own desire to fit in socially and be popular. And I did gain some popularity by defiling my own self and letting empty people into my life. I walked that line for over 17 years. I suppose I thought alcohol would cause me some life issues and maybe I would die younger, but hey at least I had a great time right?
Alcohol is an empty thing. Memories that are caused by drinking are empty also. My own fault, sin or whatever you decide to call it, not someone else’s. Sobriety has taught me a lot of things and one of the most vivid ones is that taking personal responsibility for my sobriety versus pointing a finger at anyone other than me is self denial. Alcohol is just as empty now as it was when I still drank it. The people who only knew me from drinking are equally as empty. There is a lot more to life than what any liquor store or bar ever offered me…