I’ve mentioned in previous posts that I still live with an abusive ex. And he always complained about my drug habit, which was partly his fault to begin with but I digress. He’d call me a junkie, he’d say there’s no use in being nice or kind to me, he’d call me selfish and irresponsible, he’d go on LONG rants about how my drug habit is affecting HIM, how HE feels unsafe knowing I bring drugs home, how HE’S scared I’ll hurt him while I’m high, and a bunch of other shit basically saying “Alex you are the scum of the Earth and an irredeemable sack of shit because you do drugs”. Other people in my life sided with him too, saying it’s hard dealing with an addict, or that he has the right to be upset, and like okay so he has the right to be upset but why must it translate into abusive behavior towards me which is then JUSTIFIED because I do drugs. And here I ask myself… Why did people side with my abusive ex but didn’t take a moment to sympathize with me? Why am I such an awful monster in everyone’s eyes? Why did nobody stop to think “maybe Alex is using drugs because he’s struggling”? I never wanted to hurt my ex, I never wanted to be the bad guy, why is it that in every narrative I’m an awful human being for choosing to use drugs? Can’t people understand that I did it out of pure desperation? That it wasn’t for fun? That I’m not proud of it? That I need help? Why is it so easy for people to go “addict = bad”, even people who WORK in those fields like nurses and doctors? I got treated like shit by nurses too because of my history with drugs, everyone always judged me, nobody stopped to consider MY pain; people just said “Alex is bad” and pitied my ex for having to “deal” with me. Like fuck. Why are people so heartless?
People tend to see what’s on the outside and make their judgments from there. It’s something we all do, as a matter of survival. Which is why it’s so important to have a community of support from other addicts, we get it! We get you!
Thanks man, I really do feel better knowing I’m not completely alone in this and that I have this site and soon rehab. I’m glad there are people who get it. I really need the support.
Thank you, it’s often hard to remember that I don’t control how other people see me no matter how flawed and skewed their perception of me might be. I’ve been struggling with addiction for years and the added judgement just made me go deeper into it because I felt hopeless. It’s nice to know there are people who understand that it’s more complicated and nuanced than “Alex is bad”.
You’ll see as you recover that there is probably some merit to what they say. Unfortunately in addiction we do become pissing posts at times when it’s uncalled for. What you can control is what you put on your body and in your mind. You don’t have to prove shit to anyone but yourself. Walk the right path, do the next right thing, release resentments and your life will be a million times better. Best wishes to you.