I don’t get it. I was doing so fucking great. I felt better than I had in years. And now I’m sitting here after 1,5 hours of sleep and thinking to myself solely in English and as if I’m in a movie.
My brain was looking for an excuse and it got one. My greatest fear had been WandaVision for a long time. I knew marvel was gonna be a huge obstacle. And then my brain finds the excuse. Disney plus star released on my 18th birthday. One in a million odds. This earth has existed for at least 5000 years if not billions. But Disney plus star gets released exactly on my 18th birthday? It’s a fucking sign that I should get Disney plus.not even 48 hours since and I’ve finished WandaVision, Terra Nova and watched half a season of Grey’s anatomy.
What is wrong with me??? Why do I sabotage myself so hard??? Learning so much about my family really hurt me. I guess that’s part of the reason. My old phone that puts limits on my new phone died, so I had to remove the restrictions from my new phone, including from play store.
I am upset with myself that i let it come this far and I have intense self-hate.
I do feel hopeful for today. It will be shit, but not absolute fucking shit.
Hey Jan, I am sorry that you are struggling atm. As many already said and I won’t comment on that this type of addiction as behavioural is so f*** hard to avoid and then find a somewhat good dose.
Maybe we should try liking ourselves. Starting with small things. Taking care of ourselves is a good start, I feel. Coming here and writing it down, like you did, helps me and it also helps me to read your story.
What would you say to a good friend in your situation. Would you say, yeah I knew it. You just can’t do it. You suck! Or would you say: I hear you with your feelings and worries and you are learning from it. You are here and facing your addiction! You are a valuable and good person! 
And PS : maybe come here before you order that channel, next time. 
Jan, you are so hard on yourself. You are loveable and you’ve come a long way. There are many coincidences in the world that don’t mean anything except a coincidence. Keep shining bright and think of the positive things. 
Do be so hard on yourself. Its OK that you watched some star. Watch an episode or two of something you want to watch then turn it off. Just don’t let it keep you up all night and make sure you go to work/study on time. Find a balance. I know you can do it.
Two steps forward and one step back, gets us there in the end. Hang on in there.
Hey Jan.
I think you do love yourself. Like Diamonster said, imagine what would you say to a friend in a similar situation. I’m gonna take this thought a bit further:
Sometimes we I get upset with a friend. They do something that hurts me. Despite what happened, there are a couple of ways of going about it: dealing with my hurt and possible resentments and forgive OR not.
You’re upset with yourself. You didn’t live up to a standard (or whatever you want to call it) and got disappointed. Loving yourself doesn’t necessarily mean you will never get angry at yourself. It’s more to do how you treat yourself in that anger and disappointment. The addiction you battle is a strong opponent. No need to beat yourself to the ground for your slip, the addiction will do that for you.
A courageous and committed member of the forum here once said,
I hear your struggle Jan. I know it’s agonizing. Many of us have been in the same place. Growth and change takes time. I don’t mean to say that you should relax your standards - if you feel a certain substance or behaviour is problematic, you have the right and the capability to set boundaries. What I mean is just: take it one day at a time and be gentle with yourself. Be kind.
As you said above, you will get through this. Remember the voice you use to support others here. Use the same voice with yourself.
We live in a hyperstimulating media-saturated world. It is a hard, hard place to be when you feel time wasting away through these kinds of media binges. The shame is powerful.
Do you have some constructive thing you can do today? Not just something you can cut out of your life; something that will give you a sense of accomplishment. Maybe a 1 minute plank. Maybe a bit of guitar practice. Something that is about you being human (of which one of the key things is, to create, to affect, to impact).
That is because you programer yourself to do things that are low effort:watch YouTube,playng games,replace that with some high effort skill and you Will be proud
Dont be to hard on yourself.Mistakes happend,but dont put that mistakes into habbits
As addicts we can find connections with anything. It boils down to something simple to say…hard to achieve. For me, " drinking is simply not an option". That phrase was 100% pure self love. Once we move past our addiction, once we get past the hold it has on us…then we can work on the “Whys”. Why did I self medicate, Why do I celebrate, Why do I turn to this in boredome…ect ect ect.
Once we find out the whys, then we can work on fixing those. Fixing takes action
Absolutely
Thanks 
I fear I can’t. I’ve lived with that idea for a decent amount of time and it resulted often in me abusing the idea for a relapse. Movies may one day be possible, but I fear tv-shows are too “rabbit-holey” for me. For now, I’ll just stick with TS and I’ll focus on schoolwork.
It does indeed, I have never gone further back than I’ve went forward. I’ve got to remember that 
I can forgive most people, I just don’t know how to forgive myself.
I’ve never thought about it this way, thanks for the insight 
I hate this. I want to be awesome right this instance. I want new habits to form in a day. Guess I’m an addict 
i guess i could give it a try.
I am going to draw in my puzzle book and enjoy what I’m doing.
im planning on doing 90/90 as far as work and school let me, so probably around 55/90 in reality. Also gonna look for a new sponsor.
I couldn’t get any additional sleep today. Don’t feel tired though. I am motivated for school starting tomorrow for me. I’m about to have to work my ass off.
I’ve cycled 30km/around 20miles today.
scrap that. I’m sitting down for the first time now and can barely keep my eyes open. Straight to bed after the meeting