I also found this link…
But I agree, a good first step would be to check in with your former support system and see if they can point you in the right direction. 
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So sorry to hear @Butterflymoonwoman I have not been through anything nearly so bad but did have a consensual relationship with a self-described sociopath… beatings and pain and he liked to feed me cocaine… ended up giving him $15000 because I thought I loved him…
God I was screwed up. Occasionally still do have thoughts of this man and wonder if he’s doing ok, how he feels about me, what if I restarted the toxic relationship etc. Stupid, crazy thoughts.
I thankfully have a decent boyfriend now who wouldn’t harm a hair on my head but sometimes the previous guy creeps into my head.
Oh did I mention he wanted me to prostitute for him to make him money? Fucking asshole.
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I’m sorry girl u has to go thru this too 
I honestly don’t compare the severity of abuse but I do understand what ur saying. Abuse is abuse no matter how severe or how often is happens. It effects us all the same way. And it has really confused me until today when I posted this askign for advice. I feel like I have some answers and some guidance about what’s going on in my head. I feel like I have a path now of where I need to go and how to begin addressing this. And where I can go for support. Ya… I feel much better than I did this morning waking up 
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Thank u so much! I’m checking it out now
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Hey beauty, I am so sorry you went through this. My heart breaks for you. What you’re feeling is normal, I think of my abuser a lot too and it makes 0 sense. Everyone else had some amazing advice, so I just wanted to send virtual hugs and support.
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Thank you Amy!! I’m really sorry u had u to go thru this too. There seems to be so many men and women that go thru abuse now a days it doesn’t make sense lol but there reasons why we think the way we do. I’m thinking I may be ready to address some stuff (maybe even with a counsellor). Glad ur safe now too!
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Abusers are insidious creatures. They slide underneath your skin and never really leave. Mine hasn’t been in my life since my late teens, but hasn’t left my head still. You are such a brave woman for getting away and charging him. You probably have a lot to work through, but never forget you’re strong and brave and deserve happiness away from pain. 
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I have not been in your situation but can hear how much it pains you. I really liked this book for my own healing process:
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Great book recommendation!!!
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A beauty. Therapy cover to cover. 
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Thank u so very much!!! I’m going to look for it now
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It’s $15 on Amazon! Think I will grab it on thur
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It is a really beautiful book about trauma, feelings, why it is hard to heal and how we can heal. I hope it helps. 
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I was in an abusive relationship. I guess a lot of us here came from abusive families and/or had been victims of abuse later in life.
My story is nowhere near yours. I didn’t have to endure a big part of the things you did.
But, the thing I can tell you - and probably a lot of people here already told you - is that is a vicious cycle and the one it takes time and work to break. Or just get over with.
A couple of years later I still had nights when I dreamt about him and woke up feeling odd. Lately, though, I started not only not caring, but seeing him for what he really is: a petty, miserable, cowardly and insecure person with no one and nothing. In constant pursuit of a woman “to love” and desperately trying to make people see him for something that he isn’t. Unluckily for him, he’s not a good manipulator - that’s one of the worst parts: most of the time, I wasn’t manipulated; I let him manipulate me - and is extremely afraid of leaving his comfort zone.
It took time and, since I just wasn’t trying to get much help from a psychiatrist because I would have to admit my drinking got out of control especially during the last months of our so-called relationship and after I left him, I just had to become a recluse for a while (it worked for me, but I really wouldn’t suggest it :-)) and now I feel free.
What you are going through is normal and expected. Especially now that you’re clean and sober and FEEL “things” and THINK clear.
I really envy (not in a bad meaning of the word) your strength and resolve.
Hugs
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