Why do I keep remembering this person after 13 years?! TW... Domestic Violence

Advice & Questions
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There is something in particular that has been sort of a haunting me for a very long time and especially since getting clean. I’m really needing some insight on this, any thots or ideas of why this keeps reoccuring or what I can do to resolve this:

So the other day… going thru my moving boxes while cleaning out the storage closet I came across some paperwork (my old protection order that I had against my abusive ex and paperwork from the Criminal Justice Division). I did read it for some odd reason… but im feeling this is a sign that I need to work on what happened.

From 2004-2009 I was with him. We met at a CA mtg actually and against all advice not to date, we did. And it not only ended up as an abusive relationship but we also ended up using together and him profiting off of me working in the sex trade. To say it was such a toxic relationship is an understatment. He would physically hurt me in public and at home, threaten to kill me and hurt my family, pets, and anyone I chose to date in the future, stalk me and stare at me while I work out at the gym, has held me hostage in his place where I had to lie and sneak my way out, threatened me with weapons, cheated on me, introduced me to shooting up dope, and sexual assaulted me especially when he was high, was extremely paranoid and was sure I was cheating and stealing and lieing to him, isolated me, and was later on in our relationship involved as a prospect with a biker gang in our area (where I tried to convince him of not getting into that, but he chose not to listen and ended up “collecting” for them)… and this in itself instilled fear in me when I charged him and he was in jail and he threatened to get others to find me and get rid of me. He blamed his physically abusive behavior on “seeing red” when he got mad or blacking out (like what happened at the football game at the stadium and no one doing a thing to stop it, not even calling police). This lead to me heading back home (which was technically his place), while he followed me pissed off, attacking me at home, me running away, and him calling me back to back leaving voice msgs stating he was going to smash my face in and kill me the next time he saw me. I knew in my heart and mind that if I went back he would kill me… probably by accident but he was big guy and knew how to fight and I knew that I wouldnt stand a chance honestly. He loved choking people out and he thrived off of “instilling fear to gain respect” as he used to put it.

I had ANOTHER dream of him last night. And I need to be honest here and get this out… a sick part of me is missing him :frowning: I don’t really miss him, but my mind for some odd reason tells me that I do. Now someone plz give me any insight on WHY I still think this? I don’t love him and I don’t even like him! But I miss him!!! Wtf is that about? The night I charged him was Nov of 2009!! And the police came to see me and they took me to a shelter where I remember telling the intake worker that I felt bad for charging him, that I was wrong and that it was my fault! How distorted was that thinking? The last year of our relationship, I would sneak out to one on one counselling once a week. He never knew I was trying to build up my strength to leave or to create a safety plan. He even contacted me last year via fb (and he loves back home in my old province where I grew up and I haven’t been in thay province for 7 years. Talking to me about how he still has that tattoo of my name over his chest, and how I will always have a place in his heart, hiw he misses me and how he’s proud of me, and his he’s in treatment again and doing well etc. I just wished him well and blocked him.

I know my thinking is distorted but I dream about him often and in weird scenarios. Nothing ever good… I always wake up feeling weird and off. Please can someone shed some light on this? It’s really getting to me… and even more so now that I’m clean :frowning: I’m starting to see that the things I thot I dealt with, are maybe not really dealt with. And maybe that’s why I’ve kept using for soo long. This abusive relationship and the trauma I endured in the sex trade for so many years are probably the 2 biggest things that could potentially hold me back. I am just wondering whats going on here…
Thanks for reading :cold_sweat:

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Hello there Normal human being! Have you had closure? Closure takes different forms…without it we can hold on to things…

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Stockholm syndrome.

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I don’t have the closure I want honestly. In a sense I feel like I have closure (in a way) cuz I did charge him and i felt like he was given what he deserved. But at the same time I really wanted him to acknowledge what he did and apologize. And I know that I probably won’t get that. Oddly enough I am not mad at him. I actually have forgiven him and maybe I need to be mad at him for what he did. I’m really confused :confused:

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What is this? I have never heard of this

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Stockholm syndrome is a condition in which hostages develop a psychological bond with their captors during captivity. ~Wikipedia

Basically, your psyche hasn’t processed the trauma effectively.

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I might have to… Idk. I really thot that I dealt with all this. But like I said I have been having dreams and the fact that I miss him, really really bothers me. But I don’t miss him in the usual sense (if that makes sense lol).

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I understand. As I have shared with you previously, my first husband mentally and physically abused me, attempted to shoot and kill me, and subsequently shot and killed himself. This was over 30 years ago and he still visits me in my dreams at times…tho rarely now. But for many years I still mourned all that was, all that could never be, all that messy complicated part of my existence.

We can know in our heads one thing and hold in our hearts another.

For myself, it took a lot of time and psychic energy to heal those ties that bonded us. To heal my relationship with my self and my self esteem and confidence. I did a lot of that prior to sobriety, but I did find that my recovery brought the final healing pieces together for me. The closure of a long ago period of my life and experience. Perhaps that is similar for you? As we gather and own our strength and resilience and self esteem…we are finally able to absolve ourselves and them and let that version of our selves rest and be at peace. I think as we gain strength, things come to us again so we can continue to work thru and heal.

Of course all of our life experiences are different, but I see you working on your healing and health and you always inspire me and remind me of my own experiences and how we can and do grow and heal. The process can take time for sure. Thank you for sharing. :heart:

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Is this similar to trauma bonding or codependency or anything like that? It’s soo messed up… I used to love being around him bcuz i felt safe from other people and safe from men who used to hurt me in the trade… but then I didn’t feel safe around him. So like I don’t know…

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It’s exactly that. I hate to say it because no one likes to hear it, but you need professional help for that. It’s not something you can figure out on your own. The best thing is to find a good counselor. Like @liv_m said, most shelters offer support services. I would look into that.

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I thank u so much for sharing… ur post made me tear up bcuz I can feel ur healing and ur strength and it always feels good to know that someone understands too. Honestly ur post made me think of something… I don’t feels safe with myself. I don’t… I haven’t in so many years. I don’t feel confident that I can be okay and safe. Every relationship I’ve been in (even now), have been with men who are very strong and have very tough personalities and are protective. My relationship now isn’t abusive thank God, but he does have the same qualities in a sense kd what I looked for in a man. So why? It’s bcuz I dont trust myself to be safe and ok. And I dont think that I have any reason to feel this way bcuz I’m literally not doing anything I used to do. I live a boring life now (just the way I like it lol), and I’m not acting out or doing anything dangerous. So why? And how can I give myself this on my own? Like how can I give myself safety and confidence on my own… hmmm this hot me like a ton of bricks lol

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It is hard for people who haven’t lived thru it to understand. I have found comfort and understanding among other women who were lucky enough to live thru this. So many of our sisters have not.

I know what you mean about relationships. It did take me many years to be in relationship where I felt safe and to get to a place where I trusted myself and was safe with myself. Honestly, that last part…trusting myself…took a long time. And it took my sobriety to get there.

I am no expert, but I do think our sobriety offers us the opportunities to heal these old parts of ourselves. We become stronger in sobriety and the feelings and experiences we shoved down thru drinking and drugs…they are now available for us to heal…that is why they come back up…so we can heal them.

Again, I am no expert, just a fellow traveler on the domestic violence trail, and I understand the missing and the wanting to be safe. I do think having someone who has experienced what we have and is a trained counselor in DV can be very helpful in understanding and healing these parts of our selves. It definitely can take time. And we definitely can repeat relationship issues…even without the physical abuse or mental abuse…so you are wise to acknowledge that.

You are seeking and asking questions, that is so important. I hear you on a boring life, such a relief after the chaos. It helps me also to remember that we are humans doing our best and that healing takes time. :heart: Learning to trust your self takes time. :heart:

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I wouldn’t open that door. I don’t have that door to open, but I do feel like you could and should write that letter…but then burn it in a ritual of letting go. Again, I am no expert, but closure is important and saying things is a relief AND we do not have to directly say them to the person to reap the benefits of that relief.

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Maybe I need to fb message him and tell him what I think and tell him how I feel about what happened. Even if he doesn’t respond or anything, maybe that would give me closure? Or do u think that’s a mistake?
I also just joined 2 support groups on fb for help with this. Maybe that can help me too. I never thot of looking into this again

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Ya ur right… talking to him is a mistake… it really is… im not even going there lol

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But a letter in general that I could maybe do a letting go ceremony and burn it like you said, might be very beneficial :rose:

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Good, that is a great decision.

I definitely support writing it out and releasing it. And I 100% support no contact.

Do you have a current therapist you work with who is trained and experienced in domestic violence? Or a group therapy setting?

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I don’t. I had all that back home in Manitoba. When I moved here to alberta I lost all my supports. I have no counsellors, no addiction stuff, no domestic violence stuff. I do keep in contact with women back home who I was in group and in mtgs with tho. I chat with them sometimes. And I just joined 2 DV support groups on fb. So that may help for an outlet.

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Can the old support system help you find some new support where you are now? Or maybe Mel can help you locate support in your area, tho I know it is far from where she is located.

Perhaps one of the numbers here can assist in finding a support group near you or point you in the right direction…

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That’s actually a good idea. I cam contact the old support groups and ask! I was thinking of maybe seeing if I could get in to see a basic counsellor… just for general stuff. But idk if it would be better to have someone for specific issues

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