People say ‘relapse is a part of recovery’ I think that is bs. In the moment you don’t realise what you’re doing because you want a quick release and it’s what your brain knows to go to. The coping skill stays the same if the mind doesn’t find another way for that release. But nothing compares to the thing you’ve been doing for a long period of time it’s like telling an alcoholic to drink a fizzy drink or water. Or telling someone who does sh to use a rubber band instead. They’re releases but not as quick and doesn’t feel as good as the option that you’ve known for a long period of time
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Relapse is a part of addiction, I agree. There are many people who quit and never relapse.
Going back to unhealthy coping mechanisms to deal with life tells that there is more to learn about oneself and up the toolbox and put in more focus and work on living life on life terms in a not harmful way.
As addiction has rewired the brain for good on this outlet, it often needs more than one attempt to build stability, inner boundaries and understanding how to stay sober and in recovery.
Relapses are not a personal failure.
We have to learn to let go and stop for good of something very powerful and biochemically engraved in our brains. The most important thing is keep going and evolve, there comes a day when sobriety sticks and recovery becomes the normal. And yes, it is constant, daily work. As all who want to live a good life work on whatever their issues are, addicts or not.
If you are struggling, keep going, get help, share, never crave alone and be kind to yourself 
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Sobriety is difficult, although my life is vastly improved since I got sober it doesnt fully take away that want at times to push the fuck it button and feel better for a short while using the quick fix that my addiction gave me, its like a cross we have to bear…. I accept the fact that that might always be there BUT i know its not the way to handle life, that it is only a quick short term fix that doesn’t actually fix anything and often makes things worse….so to the alternative options….they are vast in number and if they help to not have that quick fix then to me they are a great alternative….what I can tell you is the longer you are sober and the more work you do on yourself so that you dont need a quick fix in the first place the less that want is there…my life now 3+ years on just doesn’t include alcohol, ive created a life where it isnt part of my life anymore and thats now my new normal…when shit gets tough as life still does…does it cross my mind because in the past I wired my brain that way? Yes it does but i dont act on it anymore because ive learned that its not an option for me because I know the devastation that comes with it.
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Relapses happen could be as thought or a action or fear, anxiety .who knows but it starts way before you lift a drink it a gradual progress for me i had the desire and was willing to make the effort and when excuses came along i said to myself i had no reason to lift a drink had a good foundation and network round me . ive still to relapse and the people who say its part of recover ive been sober decades prob these people havnt got it yet . keep on trucking
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Is it really a relapse?if you only go a week or two and pick up again. Once or twice maybe 
. But if you I constantly saying that you slipped. Then you need to try hard at your sobriety.
Relapse are part of recovery. God knows my journey has involved them.
And the fact is every resets/relapse that I have had, all of them just did not suddenly happen to me. I made the choice to pick up instead of doing the work, to say “NO” to myself.
And every time I have regretted it. I have never regretted fighting my demons and waking up the next morning sober with my string of Days In tact.
Yes, relapse is a part of recovery for someone and I’m definitely one of them.
Do they just happen to you, No!
That is your Demon lying to you!
If you keep relapsing you need to try harder. Get more help. Gather more tools and use them!
Stop lying to yourself that it is going to be different this time or it will only be the one night.
Stop saying “you could not stop yourself!” Because you can!
Do the work. You are worth it! Go to bed sober! Because the next relapse could be the very last and end you right in your 
.
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I think of it more as relapses can be part of the process of healing from addiction. I know my landing didn’t stick the first time I decided to ‘stop drinking’ or ‘stop smoking’. I had to keep quitting and along the way learned so much about coping and techniques and built strength and sober muscles along the way. Both took me a lot of time and a lot of relapses, slip ups, whatever you want to call it before my goals were achieved. And certainly after I finally was able to put smoking/nicotine to rest (which took 2+ years of a quit/relapse/quit cycle) my drinking then ramped up over time, which led me to sobriety from alcohol and working my recovery from what I was escaping from. That was my process.
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Bone chilling. Needed to read that. Blessings. Truly.
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I had a good friend a few yrs back who worked as a Substance Use Counselor. He often would say that relapse can be a part of a person’s recovery, but it doesn’t have to be. I adopted his philosophy on this.
Sadly, he went back out after having near 10 yrs clean/sober. Can’t tell ya if he’s still with us or dead. He ghosted everyone.
We’ve got this shit for life. Acceptance is the answer and owning it daily has certainly helped this drunk. Hope this helps.
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I often re-read or think of this poem, when I’m asking myself the same question -
“Philip Seymour Hoffman”
by Nick Flynn
Last summer I found a small box stashed away in my apartment,
a box filled with enough Vicodin to kill me. I would have sworn
that I’d thrown it away years earlier, but apparently not. I stared
at the white pills blankly for a long while, I even took a picture of
them, before (finally, definitely) throwing them away. I’d been
sober (again) for some years when I found that box, but every
addict has one— a little box, metaphorical or actual— hidden
away. Before I flushed them I held them in my palm, marveling
that at some point in the not-so-distant past it seemed a good
idea to keep a stash of pills on hand. For an emergency, I told
myself. What kind of emergency? What if I needed a root canal
on a Sunday night? This little box would see me through until
the dentist showed up for work the next morning. Half my
brain told me that, while the other half knew that looking into
that box was akin to seeing a photograph of myself standing on
the edge of a bridge, a bridge in the familiar dark neighborhood
of my mind, that comfortable place where I could somehow
believe that fuck it was an adequate response to life.
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Considering how many people do not make it back after a relapse I don’t think it is conceivable that it was part of their recovery, unless you count dying as your sobriety date. Often times that line is said as a way to minimize a relapse. However, I believe that to be an incredibly dangerous line of thought. Relapses, even for a night, in my world are quite serious and should never be minimized. I understand not wanting a person to feel shame after a relapse, but they should definitely feel guilt. Guilt is a very strong motivator. If you take no negative feelings away from a relapse then what is the incentive to avoid it in the future?
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I know I took on a TON of negative feelings from every relapse I had, every time I broke a promise to myself. And yes, I could have died, in fact, I prayed that I would every night for a very very long time. I had so much guilt, shame and anguish, it ate at me and almost killed me.
As a female, I was raised (old school Catholic) with an incredible amount of guilt and shame just for being born a female. That guilt and shame increased over time from various sexual assaults, microaggressions, inappropriate sexual behavior from peers and people in positions of power, the workplace, etc for a good portion of my life. I don’t think that was much different from the experience of many girls / women of my generation. Shame and guilt were not motivators, but were used by others as cudgels of oppression and control. Guilt and shame are tied to the experience of being a female for me. But that is just my personal experience and relationship with guilt and shame.
I don’t minimize what could happen in relapse, I am pretty realistic. Some of us die from drugs and alcohol and related issues and some of us die from something else.
I think we all are fighting for the same thing, sobriety. And I hope we all make it out alive. Whatever motivates you, use that as fuel for your journey.
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Guilt and shame never motivated me either it only served to keep me down and in my addiction, compassion from strangers when i had my final rock bottom and understanding from people on here gave me that tiny light at the end of a long tunnel to begin to pull me out..thats when I started to believe I actually had some worth
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@Starlight14, yes, the compassion and understanding I found here helped me begin the long process of finding self compassion, self love and self esteem. All of those were incredibly healing for me and gave me something to live for.
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Well said, negative thoughts and feelings. Sadness and childhood ( and Adult) trauma. The Guilt of not being enough. Drives me to my Demon.
My journey has had stumbles ( replace/ reset.) but I continue to try and I will succeeded.
And so sadly but so very true some have had their tombstone become the sobriety date that finally stuck. I have had several people that I know leave this world all to soon for this very reason.
I want to live before I go to the other side. I don’t want to spent it with my miserable demon. 
So when the demon knocks at the door and it sadly it will, do not listen to its lies. Because you may never make it back. From that just one more.
But Guilting me for tumbling is not going to help. It will make me hide in the shadows where the Demon is strong. I was to ashamed and to guilty to reach out and get the help that I so desperately needed and deserve.
Then I found this place filled with compassion and support. It was, is, the key I needed to help me lock away my demon.
Hearing others people journeys that now have longtime sobriety is very helpful. It gives/gave the hope that I need to beat this Demon before it beats me into early
Everyday sober is a day won.
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This is a really good thread; all valuable inputs, Thankyou so much ; lots of love to all 
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I think one of the most common things that alcoholics do is try and prove to themselves that they really arent an alcoholic.
(Chapter 3. Big book talks about this)
Sometimes we do something that scares us sober. We have a moment of surrender. We quit for various periods of time. In the beginning we are willing to admit to get the heat off. We might learn some things about alcoholism. See some similarities but there is a part of us that hasnt surrendered yet.
That part of us is still looking for the loop hole. The thing that seperates us from really being an alcoholic.
Sometimes we dont act on those thoughts for years. They are still there.
Those thoughts justify even more reasons to create an illusion of doubt. Eventually we convince ourselves that a drink wont hurt.
If we are lucky we get another chance. Some of us dont. I am extremely lucky. I have been given many chances.
When I was sober for ten years, my first two years was spent looking for the loophole.
Then for approximately four years I had surrendered. I knew I couldnt drink. I quit looking for loopholes.
About six years sober I started to create new loopholes and opened up old ones.
I didnt physically act upon it for another four years. Hindsight being 20/20 I was in relapse for four years before I took that drink that set off ten years worth of failed recovery attempts.
I dont consider it a bunch of relapses. It was one long relapse because i never fully commited or quit looking for loopholes.
I had four years of sober relapse. Eleven and one half years of drunken relapse with various amounts of sober time with failed attempts at coming back.
It was a 15 year long relapse. Approximately.
My last drunk taught me about the first drink. I had never lost control immediately like that before. I needed to learn that lesson.
Im lucky that lesson didnt kill me, or others and that I didnt get in major legal trouble. I deserved all of that for being so wreckless.
When I was beaten down by my own arrogance against king alcohol I was able to surrender and begin recovering.
When people said relapse wasnt a part of recovery. It made me feel like I didnt belong. My inner alcoholic used it to keep me out there.
It made me feel like I was weak, unworthy, and incapable.
Guess what i did. I drank.
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