cw: vent and issues regarding ED, SH, family issues, insults said to me, and addiction so please dont read if sensitive to things like this.
So to start off, growing up was really hard as my dad was abusive as well my mom to eachother. either physically or verbally, even addiction issues. So witnessing that over and over made 2 years into existence my mom leaving for 6, so leaving my dad to take care of 4 kids on his own was hard on him enough already with his issues with addiction. He never did anything dont worry and is incredibly the better parent than my mom. Like 6 years with my dad was amazing even if neglect and such happened. Better than my own mom’s parenting. Because when they got back together, obviously it was smooth sailing then shit hit the fan so it became ugly and constant yelling. It gotten bad to the point my dad up and left with no reason except saving himself, my mom got into a deep depression(shes been through so much so I understand why) and abuse happened, I dont want to recall all of it anymore but it was emotional and verbal abuse I think? Lots of things said to me because im her punching bag. Yet those years with her messed me up and caused my self harm, eating disorder(s), depression, anxiety, and ptsd. its so hard talking about it, I cant even remember it without shaking. It was so bad I hated her for awhile, she made me seem like a burden to my dad and made me hate him for years. Everything that happened though made me more understanding to people. But anyway my mom said so much to me like “im so embarrassed of you” “you make me regret being a mom” “I hate you” “anorexic skinny” “your so fat/skinny” And silent treatment. She left so often, it hurt when my dad left. Fast forward few years back, im with my dad after something happening that caused everyone in danger because a brother of mine was deranged. These years made me process everything ive been through, ive managed to slightly heal? I still am and have issues with s_icide and self harm, but my dad helped my relationship with food and gotten me on medication to help. He is rough around the edges but he’s healed in his own way and takes care of me better than my mom! I love him so much and I wouldn’t trade him for anything.
Dealing with what I’ve explained and high risk for months, its hard to find a way to keep going despite progress I’ve made toward healing. Im wondering why is so hard to actually keep going, like I know I wont do it because why im here and choosing recovery is my sisters and brother. They dont deserve more trauma as they have enough already, i dont have the heart to leave them three. But its so hard getting up in the morning or hygiene, cleaning my room, or even my bedding as it’s been a year or more since I last did. There’s blood in it and like other things so yeah im overdue.
Also with my still healing relationships with my mom and dad, ive forgiven them long ago as I am texting my mom every now and again to check on her. Yet with my healing relationships with them, from 13-15 I was groomed constantly by adults because I wanted older people to give me attention I didnt get. I guess I was with my ex because she was extremely older than I was — good thing we’re broken up haha
Regardless of thoughts and current issues, I still chose to try recovery and get help. Even if I know its a waste of everyone’s time, im still trying the best I can atleast? How does anyone go through harsh times and still choose to get up actually too, im wondering how because of wanting to seek advice or routines from others who might have more experience than a 18 year old with no life experience.
Im sorry though if anything I ranted about triggered something too, I dont mean for that. And I hope you’ve had a great day or night — im thankful if you did read this
And here is my cat i mentioned posts ago
