Damn it all. Why is this so hard? Its stupid. I know what I need to do so why is it so hard to just do it? I struggled with self harm and depression as a teen and every now then in the present and as absolutely awful as that was somehow this feels worse. Disgusted with myself. So many reasons not to so why am I drawn to it so much? Knew I shouldnt have even began. Alcoholics on both sides of the family but college me though it’ll be fine. It wasnt fine and if I could go back and stop myself I would.
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Im sorry. I know how frustrating it can be to try to help someone and it seems like they arent trying or theres no progress being made. I just need to let it out.
What I need is an art project. Something to channel all of whatever this cluster fuck of emotions is. That will help. I’ll start working on that.
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Also apologies for the profanity. I assumed it would censor it. Mods if you would like me to rewrite my wording let me know.
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The only time you fail is if you stop trying to stop. It takes many people multiple attempts but at some point it will click.
Keep going
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Yes it’s hard to quit, yes it’s hard to live without the substance, and feel everything…otherwise we wouldn’t be addicts!
Don’t blame yourself so much, we’re all addicts here, we know the deal… Let’s fight this, we’re all in this together 
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Its hard either way…hard to be an addict and hard to get sober so its pick your hard really…the latter has the potential to give u a much better life tho 
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But what if you’re afraid you aren’t trying hard enough? You fail and fail and fail and fail and fail.
I’m supposed to be able to do things. Im always the smart one, the hardworking one, so if I don’t get it it must mean Im simply lazy and not trying.
Do you want to be sober?
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100% honest answer. yes and no. The majority of me wants to be sober. I know this is wrong and bad. But theres that other part of me that doesn’t want to give it up, that craves it, that tries to say its not so bad. That part may be small but it tends to be very very loud and is hard to ignore all the time.
Im not sure if that makes sense but it’s really the only way I know how to explain it.
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Well, of course it’s always a failure, until it’s not.
But you gotta try, that’s for sure. The part of you who still want to consume is the addict part. It may lives forever, just don’t let it reign.
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The deal is that “trying” is very different than “accepting”. AA helped me get there, finally. I continued to suffer even though I had been on this app for three years and had attended some AA meetings. Finally I surrendered and accepted that indeed I had an ounce of willingness to do what it takes to be done with alcohol and all it deprived me of.
We will always support you and fight beside you. You just need to get to a place of accept, which will come, if you keep coming back and engage fully with recovery (whatever that entails and works for you).
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This is normal for a majority of us. I wish I hadn’t stayed in that state of limbo for so long, hitting more bottoms, but I can’t change the past. You are on your way, my friend, to a much better life, full of freedom and possibilities. Don’t ever give up!
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Don’t worry about it, if profanity was banned on here, most of my posts would be censored. 
I get where you’re coming from, especially when you say there’s a part of you that doesn’t want to quit. For me, it had to come from within and for the longest time I lied to myself and thought I could control my drinking.
It’s hard because change is hard. Especially when it comes to habits we’ve ingrained within ourselves.
But if you really want to quit, you can. There’s nothing forcing you to drink. And there’s nothing stopping you from chosing not to.
For me, the hardest part was changing that mindset. Alchohol is not the reward I thought it was.
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May i recommend allen carrs easy way to quit drinking? I found it super helpful to change my mindset on drinking
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It’s hard but keep trying I’m there myself, I will not be beat 
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Perfect. This is just it. Once youv accepted it in your soul of this is who iam and surrender to it, the trying element fades away. You stop trying to be ‘normal’ and trying to moderate and bargain for what we cant. The bliss memories start feeling less like i wanna be in that escapism to more i dont wanna be in that prison again.
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This video helped me understand my addiction and gave me insight. It’s a little long but very informative
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At my worst before i eventually got sober i remember feeling so trapped by the alcohol that i used to cry every morning…i felt like i was literally chained to the stuff so tightly that i was never going to be free again, it was a feeling of utter despair and it went on for a long time but u know what…it doesnt have to be that way…you can be free…youve got all of us here to support you through this and you can beat it 
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Hi ChildofFate,
I relate to your experience of knowing before starting that this issue runs in tbe family, and thinking you shouldnt have started. I knew, and yet I went hard myself.
I wanted to add a few things here but I am totally pooped. I will be back, I just wanted to say YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!! There are probably a bunch of reasons why youre on your own journey here, but you are not an idiot and there is nothing wrong with yoh that led you here. Youre just human. And I hope you stixk around (or find what works for you 
whatever helps you stack your days, one at a time, and one day you will look back, see how far you’ve come and maybe (just maybe) even be grateful for some of the shit you cant stand about you/your life today. Ive gone through that process (which seems both insane and impossible) and I promise its possible.
I just bought myself a sketch book & pencils for the first time in probably 10 maybe even 15 years…and drew my first picture. Go get your art project!!!
I will be back & hang in there. Xo.