I started to write a response to someone on here and realized it was more appropriate as a statement than a response. I’m only 12 days into recovery as the clock rolls over into Friday morning and believe me when I see some of these folks that have huge amounts of sobriety under their belts, I think wow, that’s impressive. The burning in my ear started about 2 years ago when the doctor told me I needed to stop drinking for awhile because I had a fair amount of toxic liver enzymes leaching into my blood stream. Common for longtime alcohol abusers, but still scary as hell. He then asked me if I was able to stop drinking which pissed me the hell off at the time… “how dare this quack ask me that?”. I then proceeded to not go back for the follow up appointment and hit the bottle harder than ever for the next 18 months or so.
As highly functional as I claim to be it’s always been hard to drink like I do and be a General Manager for a high volume high stress company. We all know how well being heavy drinkers and dealing with stress, pressure, and anxiety work out. So after being pretty miserable at the job I moved all the way from Arizona to North Carolina for over 4 years, I do something I’ve never done in 25 years of being gainfully employed. I flat out walked off the job. Yep, I resigned giving up a high paying job and a sizeable bonus that would be hitting the bank this March. And yes, I was hungover as fuck when I walked out…
I’m not sure what the morale of this story is except I let alcohol ravage my body and control my mind for over half my life and I’m done with it. No do overs, no relapses or binges aloud. I realized as I spent time with my mother and sister in Cabo San Lucas right after Thanksgiving that enough was enough. I only got blackout drunk once while there and believe me that’s good for me. As the end of the trip neared and I couldn’t even get a buzz going after taking 10 shots of vodka, some bell rang or some light clicked on in my water logged brain. I asked myself, “Is this my story? Is this how I live the rest of my days?” The answer is no.
I came home from Mexico and dumped the little bit of vodka I had in the house out. Whatever it was that clicked in my head has allowed me to have no cravings so far. There is alcohol in the house. My wife will drink wine or a hard cider a couple times a week, but never in excess. It doesn’t bother me. I have no interest or desire for it. I’m not saying I’ll never have a craving or trigger or desire, but as things sit now, alcohol has done it’s damage to me and my loved ones. I’m here to take a stand and nothing will let me falter so help me God.
Being a very functional alcoholic I was able to exist in a society with very little friction, thus it never struck me as an issue. Even more, I was excelling at work because everyone loved being around (drunk) me, if only they knew lol. It wasn’t until I fucked up some personal relationships that I began trying to go sober, this only resulted in me being hung over at work and wasted 5 minutes after I got off. So instead of realizing the severity of my problem, I said fuck it and cut the cord…I’m literally leaving a fortune 5 company in 3 weeks.
In one of my drunken online shopping excursions, I planned a 3 month 4 continent tour along with some ridiculous Stiffler like bar shirts…at this juncture I am planning to go through with the trip, but God help me I’ll have my drinking under control!
Thanks for the insight man, writing out my feelings in these forums is helping me solidify my convictions.
Great post!! Its funny because while I knew that alcohol damaged the liver it wasn’t until my mother was dying that I truly saw what it does to a body. I watched her entire body shut down because of all the toxins flowing through her body. She was essentially paralyzed because her leg muscles could no longer hold her up. She could barely carry on a conversation because the poisons were destroying her brain. She had heart failure. Her kidneys were being overworked. Finally she had full body shut down and passed away…Easter Monday 2013, aged 68. It was scary watching what alcohol did to her but that STILL didn’t wake me up to my drinking. I don’t know why it has finally hit me but I do not want to do this to myself, or to my family.
I’m glad you have made this decision for yourself and your loved ones. We’re all here to help!!
I have a deep respect for people that have quality sobriety, not quantity. I’ve seen people at meetings with years dry, not sober. What I mean is, they aren’t drinking and that’s all they’re doing…they’re not working on their character defects, resentments, spiritual illness as to why they drink. I want a quality sobriety (facing my truth with honesty, not making excuses and drowning in self-pity, making amends, putting in effort to better myself, helping others) I was sober for 6 years and went out for 6 years. (I relapsed with my husband whom I met in sobriety) I can tell you what 6 years I prefer. Relapse is not an option for me either. I can’t say “Oops, I slipped again, oh well.” My life is not a game. I may not have another chance to get it right. I have other health issues that alcohol effects and can’t allow myself to go down that road. If im feeling crazy and white knuckling it in that moment, i get my ass to a meeting or call someone. I can’t allow my mind to relapse before my body does. I know what’s on the line for me if I do. I also know what kind of beauty comes from fighting this battle with all I have and living a sober lifestyle. One day at a time, that is all we have. Same as everyone else. How will we choose to use it?