So im kinda sobbibg to myself typing this at 330am. Feelings are so fucking hard and im exhausted and confused and ugh.
Jessica. Fucking Jessica. Objectively a horrible person, especially what she did to me. But dammit i miss her so much.
(Its gonna get dark fast from here so this is where those tws come in, skip to next parenthesis if needed)
I was a kid. My mom’s friend Katrina watched me when i was 2-3 until i was 5 and a half. Katrina was also awful. She physically and sexually abused me, she also had these “friends” come over who would also abuse me for idk some amount of money. Basically I was trafficked. Jessica was one of those clients. We met when i was 3, she was a regular for 2 and a half years. But she seemed so nice back then. She never hit me, it never hurt when i was with her, she brought me gifts and snacks. When Katrina broke my ankle Jessica carried me around so i didnt have to walk on it. My parents were busy dealing with their own problems they neglected me, all the other grown ups were scary, and it really felt like Jessica was the only one who loved me. One day, Katrina had a gun pointed at me, and Jessica killed her before she could kill me. She saved my life. Then i had to thank her obviously so we had sex down the hall from where the murder just happened. And as requested i told the cops it was a suicide and they believed me. Jessica left before anyone got there, and a week later my family moved away. I didnt see her for a long time. Then at some sketchy new years party when i was 13 and Jess was there. I was 5 and a half last time i saw her and was so conflicted about her being there. She got me drinks cause im not good with the fireworks for obvious reasons, and then i forget and we wake up in a bed next to each ither the morning after. Then we start dating for a while, she introduced me to more drugs and that went on until she passed in July of that year from an overdose. Its been 7 years since she died.
(End of tw part)
Its easily the most complicated relationship in my life. Or it was at least. I know im better off without her but i still miss her so much. I kept the stuffed animal she bought me for my 4th birthday. I miss how shed hold me so close and how safe i felt in her arms. She was abusive, and generally just a bad person but i still love her so much. Im 21 now. If she was still alive shed be twice my age. I feel so small and lonely when I realize that she wasnt there cause she cared she just wanted to use me. Which leaves me with no one who really cared back then. I loved her so much. I did and i do and grief is hard. How do you miss someone who was so bad for you? I have therapy tomorrow but for now i just had to vent. Im feeling too many emotions but im geeling them now. Im sorry that this is a lot but ive been struggling so much with it all. If anyone actually reads all this ill be surprised lol
Without going into depth and only knowing that small detail, which has huge effects on your psyche. It sounds like a text book example of co-dependency.
This is a very big deal to share, and I just wanted to acknolwedge that because I imagine it took a lot for you to put these things out there for others to read and comment on.
I do not have this kind of experience, and just want to say that so I am not giving the impression that I have experienced the same thing. What you went through is absolutely horrible, and it is no wonder that you have all of these conflicting feelings. My heart goes out to you, the pain you feel, the loss and how this also must make you feel about yourself and even the prospect of moving forward in a relationsjip with anyone else.
What I have learned from my own experiences is this. When we are little, and we learn love from those around us who are older, we learn what their version of love shows us. It is the only foundation we have for understanding what love means, and it becomes deeply engrained. As we get older we carry this understanding of love with us, how it has shaped us and our relationship with ourselves and others. We may likely have relationships with others that reflect that love dynamic. And if and when that early definition of love that we learn is unhealthy, toxic or abusive, it is all we know and understand. It does take a lot of work to undo these early learnings of “love”, and I am on a journey of that myself.
Your feelings I thibk are very normal. And i hope that therapy and the work you are doing help you to understand that. You didnt do anything wrong. You are not doing anything wrong by feeling these things, and hopefully with time you will be able to put this understanding of “love” in a perspective, as a child and grow to see, and accept healthy love - of yourself and others. I am deeply sorry for what you went through, and hope i did not say anything distrsssing or upsetting in my post. Xo
Thank you for having the courage to share your story. You are certainly in the right place for support and understanding. None of us know exactly what another has experienced or can dictate how another should feel.
When we are ready to discuss our own pain is when we can allow the healing to begin.
You are brave and strong. You WILL sort through the choppy waters and sail smoothly as time and healing come…this will take great patience my dear.
Please stay active on here. It is a great place to allow yourself to be heard.
Grief and recovery are very tricky…but when we help one another, it becomes less scary.
She was a big part of your childhood.
Glad you’re talking to a therapist and going forward in your life, getting into school and working towards your own dreams.
The past is the past. Yes, it can haunt us and stay with us. The best you can, move away from it and build your own life away from it.
Thank you so much for the kind words. Sometimes it feels like im just screaming into a void and its been really hard lately. Tbh i keep re reading this cause its super comforting so thank you again. Take care
