With alcoholic family members that are still in addiction but are trying to kick the habit without AA, I am almost certain that they will relapse. I will be 8 months Sober tomorrow, and though I truly wish I could be excited that they are trying to quit even for a short period of time, I’m aware that it’s bloody tough to do alone.
It made me think why have I managed to go this long compared to the times when I’ve tried to quit on my own? Why was I successful this time compared to all other times?
For me it amounted to two things:
- I realized that if I don’t quit, my life would be miserable and lonely or quite simply I would die (probably suicide). It’s not as if my situation was so horrible that the only way was up (I had a home, food, work, friends etc.) But my world inside felt like it had been at war with itself for years, and I knew that it would take just one more drinking spree for me to pop pills and die. After yet another blackout night and almost loosing my relationship, I was lucky enough that my BF had recorded my drunk trade against all the people he cared about. I was so mean and so cruel and the thought of hurting him like that made me sick to my stomach. Now, 8 months later, I occasionally listen to that recording to remind myself of the hell that I would be stepping into if I picked up my first drink.
- I’m not doing it alone. In previous times I relied entirely on self-will and would isolate myself to battle with inner demons. It felt as if no one could understand what it felt like to keep reaching for the bottle even though I knew where it would lead. I felt that no one could understand the feeling of having a void that I constantly had to fill. That is until I went to my first AA meeting. Being surrounded by people that knew exactly what I was going through and had continued to free themselves of the burden of alcoholism would give me a sense of camaraderie that I had never felt before. Because I forced myself to go to meetings as often as possible initially, every day I would have a reminder to stay vigilant of the inevitable cravings and self-sabotaging thoughts.
Now my father will use my vaping as a sort of leverage to say “well, I might be drinking, but you still vape!” As if my vaping ever made me hit another person, destroy my social life or abuse my family. Though I shouldn’t let it get under my skin, it does. But it will never push me to pick up a drink. I have far too much to loose.
But yes, I do think that trying to do it alone is almost guaranteed to fail.
