i have been really struggling with sobriety lately. i am still fairly new to my sobriety journey and i thought that because i had been doing well not drinking and that maybe because i know what this can lead to, i’ll be able to stop if things get out of hand and i can try to do this casually every now and then. as soon as i did this, i spiraled right back to where i was. i think the reason i thought i was doing so well was because at the time, alcohol was my biggest issue and because i wasn’t drinking, i was doing great. since then i have realized that alcohol isn’t the sole issue for me… being sober in general is. i stop one thing and immediately turn to some other substance to try to fill that void. i feel so defeated and ashamed and honestly angry and bitter that this is something i deal with. why me? why can’t i be like other people who can control themselves and do these things without it leading to a problem? i know it isn’t good to throw myself a pity party, but i’m just feeling kinda bummed, i guess.
You’ve learned a very important lesson. There’s no real reason but nature and nurture combined IMHO.
Take your time to grieve. You did lose something. I can tell you that for me and after more than 4 years of sobriety it doesn’t feel like that any more, even though there still are small cravings at times. But overall the feeling prevails that I gained a life by losing substances.
Get busy livin’, or get busy dyin’.
Red Redding in The Shawshank Redemption
You’ve got the insight now that you cannot moderate with alcohol or drugs. There are a few proven paths to a happy serene and contented sobriety. It’s up to you to pick one of those roads and start walking it. Looking backwards will only lead to stumbles and falls. I found it amazingly easy to follow directions once I made the full commitment to staying sober for one day.
I’ve done exactly the same thing you describe, several times in fact. Including the why me pity party stuff. You’ll get beyond this phase of you stick with it, and find the tools you need to get there! 
I have faith in you!
i think i definitely did learn my lesson. i just need to find the drive in me to get sober like i originally had. there has been a lot of self realization the past few months and it seems like i’m finally starting to accept that this is something that is going to have to be for the rest of my life. thank you for your words 
yes, i really do just need to set those boundaries for myself and follow through with them. i just get frustrated because i truly am in the best case scenario for my situation. my boyfriend is sober and so supportive and yet i still find myself hiding away so i can drink and do drugs and it makes me feel awful. here’s to being truthful and living a life that i don’t have to hide!
planning to stick with it for sure! i’m hoping now that i know this isn’t something i can do in moderation, i’ll whip my butt into shape. i just need to hold myself accountable and tell my loved ones that i’ve taken some steps backward so they can also help hold me accountable
It is ok to feel bummed. But don’t berate yourself. That is a trap many of us here fell into. I did myself, many, many times. It took years for me to realise that I just can’t moderate. And that is ok. I can’t do a handstand or speak Swahili either. Not being able to take certain beverages will not kill me. It takes practice to work being abstinate into your life, but it can be done. And it is actually easier than trying to moderate! I also binge on other things, food, Netflix, etc. Those things too, I have to learn tricks to manage. But put out the biggest fire first. 
I totally realize the bummed feeling when we realize that we are not able to do sobriety casually. Can’t moderate at all - one drink will lead us back to our addictive tendencies.
I know in sobriety we learn a lot about ourselves. We learn to live life on life’s terms but more importantly we learn to feel all our feelings and figure out healthier ways to deal with all said feelings. I know all too well about having an addictive personality and filling the “hole” with one thing or another.
Have you thought about talking with someone and figuring out what this “hole” could mean for you? Find ways to deal with it and close it up so to speak.
One thing is for sure - we can not compare ourselves to others. Who knows why this poison controls some more strongly than others. For me, i’ve found that living without the addictions has been so freeing. I feel alive for the first time and realize that i am able to enjoy everything that life has to offer without assistance of any substances.
LOVE THIS!
That’s the spirit! You CAN do this, and you WILL!!
i definitely am too hard on myself but i’m working on celebrating the little wins and being proud of myself for any steps i’m taking in the right direction. thank you!!
i’ve looked into therapy but it just really isn’t in the budget right now. i’ve just been journaling a lot and trying to get everything out. i think it’s helped but i’m definitely working towards being able to talk to a professional, but just gonna keep doing my best until then!
It took me 20 years (first rehab when i was 19) to realise that I am drug and alcohol addict. I always wanted to get sober from one substance and it caused i fell in other addiction to the time i was on evrything and couldn’t stop. Then when i managed to stop Istarted to get sober without any medication. I was so afraid to use any substance i refused to take anti depresants. It wasn’t wise and I got really hard time first 3 months but I knew I will use pills differently than shrink told me. It was harsh and i dont reccomend it but now I am sure that i cannot use anything that alters my conciousness. I started from therapy but in my country we have refund for group therapy to sober up. But i also started to go to AA and NA, first of all it is free and secondly i can meet people with same problem and learn from their experience. And above all i could met nice people and find kindness, help, and new friends. Today most people i contact daily are fron AS or NA. I belive you will manage to get sober in a way you want. But evrything take time.
i do take medication for a variety of things and have had to be careful with different drugs. i was really good about going to AA meetings and then once i felt i was stable i stopped. i think that was a part of my problem. that is something i need to stick to. i’m ready to whip my ass into shape and hold myself accountable now that i know i can’t handle things i’m moderation
Don’t beat yourself up too much, the same questions youve asked yourself, I have asked myself. Speaking for only myself, I used to get some false sense of security that I had a handle on my drinking and could drink moderately. Nope! My addictive personality paired with mental health problems proved to me time after time that I had zero idea what I was doing. I finally made to choice to cut the BS out completely, no giving it a try occasionally, just no more.
Don’t give up on your sobriety but more importantly, don’t give up on yourself. 
that’s exactly how i’ve been feeling! but honestly after everything, it’s kind of a relief to find out that casual drinking isn’t something i can handle. at least now i know that i can’t handle it and can focus on my sobriety 100% without having that “well, what if…” feeling
Exactly! Knowing for sure it can’t realistically be done really cuts the trying to justify out. I’m right there with you.
If you dont have the desire and make the effort you will be living in groundhog day , have to get a good network around you change your mind set or that wee voice in your head will keep picking away that its ok to lift a drink and control it . maybe try a meeting again and stick with it wish you well
Oh journaling is a great idea! We are also always here if you need to talk or just vent - i do love the Check in thread for this reason.
Wishing you well and do hope to see your around.
You’re allowed to have a pity party. Just don’t live in the pity party. I think about this a lot. “Why can’t I be like everyone else? Why do I have to do all this work when others live normally?”
There is no good answer other than we’ve been dealt a shitty hand-addiction is a disease. It isn’t fair but you can make it better, easier. You can make a life worth living.