Another day sober. Today is day 44. Honestly I’m struggling so hard with withdrawal and I feel like I’m losing my mind. I want to watch porn and masterbate so bad.
I did well today at work, wasn’t even thinking about acting out. As soon as I start walking to my car I start thinking of acting out when I get home. My thought was I should masterbate when I get home and as soon as the thought hits my mind, my body flips a switch out of nowhere and goes from 0-10 and I’m completely aroused before I even get to my car. I haven’t even actually fantasized about anything I just had a simple thought about masterbation and my body goes into full throttle arousal and things start throbbing down there and I’m suddenly wet and completely ready to go and beyond turned on. I get aroused so fast and so intensely that i almost ache down there. Like if I cross my legs wrong i might lose my sobriety. How does this happen so fast when my only thought was I should masterbate when I get home.
I’ve been fighting this for like 2 weeks and it’s not going away. The longer this goes on the more intense the arousal keeps getting and hornier I get. I’m a frequent relapser because I can’t get past the withdrawal phase. It’s like the only way to make myself physically calm down and have some relief is to masterbate and release the pressure. Once I do that I’m like screw it I already reset so I might as well look at porn and do some chatting and finish off a few more times. Then I’m good for about 4-6 weeks and then I get to this stage again and the cycle repeats. I don’t know what to do. I try so hard but I don’t think I can hold off much longer but I don’t want to blow my sobriety. But I want to act out so badly but I know i will regret it if I do. It’s been months since I made 6 weeks again. I’m in SAA and working my program and have a sponsor. But the struggle is real. I just want to get past withdrawal but I don’t know if I can.