I feel so triggered and this might be so stupid but it’s making me want to drink to prove a point so I figured posting here would be better than doing that.
How do you all deal with spouses that seem to either be 1) insensitive to your addiction or 2) in denial?
My husband doesn’t believe im an alcoholic. He definitely knows I have problems with drinking if im in a bad head space and different things, but even I haven’t gotten to a full place in my life where im completely convinced im an alcoholic. I’ve really been working on it, going to therapy, trying to heal my mental health and evaluating myself a lot.
I had my last drink 4 days ago. This sobriety period has honestly been really great. I’ve been keeping myself busy, haven’t really been craving to drink and have been working on my mental and physical health. My husband keeps calling it a “detox” and “taking a break from drinking” instead of seeing it as me being sober. So basically he’s been just kinda behind the scenes, going with the flow but not really saying anything other than “whatever you want to do I support you”.
I don’t know why this pissed me off so much but he just told me that he is having a workplace function tomorrow and started to invite me but then stopped himself and said “well never mind it’s probably best you’re not there while everyone’s having drinks (himself included). It made me feel like a CHILD. I know im sensitive right now but I don’t know why that bothered me so much. Like I can’t be an adult and make my own decisions or even have the opportunity to say for myself “hey thanks for the invite but I’m working on keeping my sobriety right now” it just felt like a dismissal. And now I’m angry and hurt and I want to drink to prove to him (in my mind) that I’m not a kid and that I can go to work functions and not be an embarrassment. Even before I was sober when I would go, I never was and could always keep my drinking in check, especially if we were in public.
Idk I’m feeling discouraged and frustrated right now. Sorry for the rant. Any words would be nice… thank you for reading.
The word alcoholic has such a stigma attached to it. it doesn’t matter what you call yourself. You see you have a problem with drinking and you decided not to drink no more. Good on you! You only know yourself where you are and how you feel and what drinking does to you. If your husband doesn’t have a problem with drinking, it’s impossible for him to understand what’s going on inside of you. That’s why we need contact and connection to our peers, like coming here, posting, sharing, supporting each other.
You do this for you. And you are doing great. Maybe it’s best for now not to go to a function where lots of people are drinking, to not challenge yourself too much right now. Again, this is for you and you alone. Even your husband sees you have problems with drinking and that should be enough really. For me problems with drinking equates not drinking, for my emotional, mental and physical health. I’m glad you’re here. We’re in this together. Hugs to you lady.
Hey there, lady! First of all, congrats on day 4! That’s really something to be proud of. When I started my journey, day 3 or 4 was usually my breaking point. That’s when the addicted brain runs wild and comes up with any excuse to go back out. You have great insight, and I think it’s really awesome that you’re writing down your frustrations instead of acting out or picking up! There is no need to prove a point to someone. You are already on a great path and you know this is good for you. Stick with it, your husband will, sooner or later, understand just how serious this is to you.
Like Mno said. Only you know whether you have a problem with alcohol. In the beginning all of “my people” around me questioned why I stopped. They said you didn’t drink too much, you never drank all the time etc. it wobbled me a bit in the beginning, like you describe now. But I took a step back (came here, good job with that lady! ) and thought about it for a while. My drinking was causing ME to be unhappy. It made ME anxious and powerless. Once I had a glass or a beer or the first of any drink, something instantly took me over. I could not stop! This affected ME. You have decided that you don’t want to drink anymore for YOUR reasons and that is strength. You have to do you and your hubby has to do him. I found (not saying this is your case but…) the people that questioned and protested or tried to make me feel left out were the ones that benefited most from me drinking. I was their company their drinking buddy. They see us making the changes and showing the strength and this somehow shines a light on their drinking/drugging?? Instead of thinking about the work function let your hubby go and in that time create something nice for you. Bubble bath, take away, movie or maybe a face mask and pedicure foot bath. Put some music on and dance…. Plan a night of luxury for yourself. I must say I think you are fantastic.!! ONLY YOU KNOW IF YOU HAVE AN UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR DOC. I’m glad we are here together. Keep us posted on your night if you decide to treat yourself… send pics! I’m sending you strength.
When I was around a year sober, my other half asked something like: don’t you think you can have a glas here and there for special occasions, now that you hadn’t had any for so long?
Hinting on my being somehow and miraculously healed from a lifelong condition? WTF is going on? Didn’t we have countless discussions about it? Didn’t I explain and explain and explain that this dry spell has to be forever?
I was so angry and shocked about how dismissive he was to the situation and how insensitive. But then I got over it. I stood my ground, told him a big fat NO, told him he should have known better than to ask in the first place, etc, etc,
I don’t expect him to be supportive in the same way as the people on this forum are, but I expect him to not be a hindrance and I made that clear. He’s never asked again. But I’ve also never shared things with him that I can share on here.
You do your recovery your way. Find support from people in the same boat as you are. AA or other meetings, this forum, we understand. Your husband will never get that full understanding of how alcohol can hold you hostage in your own life, if he himself isn’t an alcoholic.
Thank you everyone for your kind words and advice! I really felt like a drink, but decided to take that energy and clean my house. Took me about 2 hours but it distracted me enough and now I’m getting my little ones ready for bed and am gonna take a nice hot bath with an ice cold glass of Coke Zero. I appreciate all of the replies and support so much. Couldn’t do this without any of you 🫶🏼
THIS is how sober people rock the day/evening
And you get a big bonus on top of it all: Tomorrow morning you will wake up relaxed, sober and with a nice memory
First and foremost **4 DAYS IS AWESOME ** I’m glad you didn’t grab the drink and cleaned. It is awesome here. I agree with all who said you do this for you. My fiancé and I are both getting sober. He can flip a switch and quit anything. It’s unlike anything I’ve ever seen. Not to say he didn’t struggle but he won’t count or use an app or anything. I’m the opposite (obviously) One day he brought up how I had been on my phone more and it bothers him. I explained I had found this community and I really liked it. He basically acted like I was dumb or wasting time. So I backed off a bit. Still checking in but not much else. Then I ended up relapsing. Upon reflection I told him that I NEED THESE TOOLS TO STAY SOBER. I have not a single friend left and my family thinks addiction is a joke He now understands and has been so encouraging. He thought he was being harmless in his comments because he simply didn’t understand my process.
So yes!!! DO WHAT YOU NEED TO DO FOR YOU You have us 🩷
Thank you for sharing your experience. Congratulations on day 4 of your journey. Things will appear bigger than they seem for a bit until your head gets clearer. Keep pushing forward on your sobriety for you. It is great that you were able to recognize a trigger, then find a solution for the trigger instead of going back to old ways because its temporarily easier.
So awesome that you chose to do something other than drink alcohol! Yes!! You chose something that led you to feeling good about yourself and your decision rather than the other choice which would have led to misery and regret. Something that’s always helped me when that thought would arise that I ‘wanted’ a drink - play the tape all the way through this helped me make a better choice. Also, I remind myself of these two important truths:
Sober life = Our Best Life for sure!
Alcohol = Poison.
And… I remind myself of this all the time:
"I’ve always regretted drinking, but I’ve never regretted not drinking"
Keep up your strength and don’t let others sway you, stay the course - you chose it for a reason!
I have to chime in. Congratulations on your 4 days. I think the advice above is the best you can find. I love it here at Talking Sober and would not be sober without these phenomenal people.
Your sober journey is yours and you must do it for you and your way. I too had to fight (hate to think it was a fight) with living sober with a spouse who I found not supportive at all in the early days. He even told me on my 1 year sober day that he had no faith I could stay sober.
You however have expressed that your partner is considerate enough to acknowledge you are abstaining from alcohol. Personally I think that is great. You are in your early days and face it …it is also new to your partner. I am not at all taking sides here. It has taken me 12 months and a week to find balance., comfort and peace with my relationship and still work on it everyday. I am fortunate my husband does not drink other than a beer or two couple times a week.
I do have advice for you. Keep doing what you need to remain sober. Respond with love with your partner even when you want to hit him over the head with the frying pan. Oops did I say that? Ya he pisses me off most the time sober or not. Stay here and reach out and post often. Connection is the key.
When I started my journey, day 3 or 4 was usually my breaking point. That’s when the addicted brain runs wild and comes up with any excuse to go back out. You have great insight, and I think it’s really awesome that you’re writing down your frustrations instead of acting out or picking up! There is no need to prove a point to someone. You are already on a great path and you know this is good for you. Stick with it, your husband will, sooner or later, understand just how serious this is to you. 
) and thought about it for a while. My drinking was causing ME to be unhappy. It made ME anxious and powerless. Once I had a glass or a beer or the first of any drink, something instantly took me over. I could not stop! This affected ME. You have decided that you don’t want to drink anymore for YOUR reasons and that is strength. You have to do you and your hubby has to do him. I found (not saying this is your case but…) the people that questioned and protested or tried to make me feel left out were the ones that benefited most from me drinking. I was their company their drinking buddy. They see us making the changes and showing the strength and this somehow shines a light on their drinking/drugging?? Instead of thinking about the work function let your hubby go and in that time create something nice for you. Bubble bath, take away, movie or maybe a face mask and pedicure foot bath. Put some music on and dance…. Plan a night of luxury for yourself. I must say I think you are fantastic.!! ONLY YOU KNOW IF YOU HAVE AN UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR DOC. I’m glad we are here together. Keep us posted on your night if you decide to treat yourself… send pics! I’m sending you strength. 
🩷
rather than the other choice which would have led to misery and regret. Something that’s always helped me when that thought would arise that I ‘wanted’ a drink - play the tape all the way through this helped me make a better choice. Also, I remind myself of these two important truths:
for sure!