Hello everyone. I haven’t been here in awhile and just wanted to update everyone on how im doing.
I went back to AA this year back in March after not being there since 2018. I relapsed in April, and eventually came back in August.
I got myself a sponsor, and this is really my first time working the steps!
Yep, I went in 2018 for probation, and even though i would soak in the information, i didn’t ever do step work.
So, its been going good so far. I was so hesitant on it for so long because it felt so daunting. Maybe its just that i’m older, or that i have a good sponsor.
Nonetheless, I am on step 9 right now which is making amends.
My sponsor basically said to try to do one per week, pray on it, that i will know when the right time is to make amends to certain people.
There are three amends in particular that are stressing me out though.
I have done probably 4 amends so far, and they were all easier ones that I wasn’t too worried about based on my relationship with the person.
I could go into detail, if needed or requested, on why I am nervous about these amends.
But I thought it might be more prudent to ask just generally, for some general advice on doing your step 9 (making amends.) especially if you had any that you were nervous about at all, what you did that helped you.
Anyways, thanks for reading, again if anyone thinks an elaboration is necessary i can certainly do that but i want the focus of the answers to be on how others handled their more daunting step 9’s, if they had any, and then get into the details if needed since in reality amends are going to just be a part of life from now on an general advice is probably more helpful anyways.
sorry to ramble thanks again, and hope everyone is having a good night
Step 9, besides allowing us to join in the human race again without shame, is an exercise in doing the footwork (the first 8 steps), making a plan together with someone else more experienced, then leaving the results up to the Universe. Make the plan, execute the plan, detach from results. I did not know how my amends were going to be experienced by the other person, how they would react. I did not know that even if they were angry and wanted to hurt me that I would get through that if my attitude going in was to focus on them and their healing.
What Is Step 9 of Alcoholics Anonymous? | Alcohol.org
Step 9 requires one to be willing to go to any lengths to make amends, provided they don’t end up causing somebody new or additional harm. The individual must be willing to take this step no matter how severe the personal consequences.
I was surprised that that I immediately remembered what stap 9 was! This was my mom’s most challenging step when she was first in the program. My advice, write out your top 5 "need to address " for making amends. Give specifics to help guide the process. I remember my mom telling me that making amends with herself was the hardest and that she had to work at it every day. Start with yourself. When you can accept your apology to you, you will be in a good place to reach out to others. Good luck and congratulations on making it to this milestone!
i tell my guys i sponsor go with a open mind and leave it in gods hands ,explain that your now in a recovery program and this is part of your recovery i also rem to tell them that some people would have been just as bad to you as you were to them its harder to go to a enemy than a friend your sweeping your side of the street also rem its our faults not his youl be surprised at the reaction , and the step states wherever possible amends should be made and nothing stopping you writing a letter and im sure your spiritual growth will follow wish you well
Great work on doing your steps my sponsor didn’t give me a time limit on doing this step that the right time will presence it’s self but also not to avoid the person either, I worried about this step too but I was actually very surprised with some of the people I made amends too they knew I have a problem and were very understanding and I came away wondering why I had put myself through so much worrying, I had one person that my sponsor said it would be best to leave that one but to pray over it , this is a very humbling and rewarding step and you will be fine
Thank you all for the reassurance.
I have something to add that I’m sure will just make me sound really immature and maybe even have someone say I’m “not ready” yet.
But maybe I can just get a different perspective instead, so if someone has that, it would be helpful.
Basically, there’s a couple of people where I’m just not sorry.
I’m not sorry for telling my two aunts that my dad was an alcoholic, afterwards they called me a liar so i said a bunch of “eff you’s” and im not too sure what I said because yes, I was drinking. But I’m not sorry for saying my dad was an alcoholic.
So how would I approach that one? Apologize for flying off the handle that they don’t believe me? There’s not a way I can think of to apologize without turning it around, and the point isn’t to turn it around. But if I just simply apologize for flying off the handle about it, they could get the impression that i didn’t mean it.
As far as my sister, well my problem with her is she is a christian and psychologist. she at one point worked at a rehab. While i do NOT expect her to be my therapist, I have gotten pretty much nothing in the way of support from her in this journey towards sobriety. And the honest truth is i don’t see talent in her as a therapist, just based off the simple fact she has never, and this goes way before i was ever drinking heavily, but she has never been one who has offered much support of any kind. no phone calls, etc. im not sorry for how i feel about her shortcomings as a sister when i have even told her several times, after TWO immediate family members passing, that we should stay in touch more (and she agreed).
do they just not get an amends in those situations? it doesnt make much sense to me to apologize for being truthful.
This is where your sponsor can be very helpful. A couple of things come to mind.
#1, return to step 8, especially the second half “became willing to make amends”. If you’re not willing, it’s not time to jump into step 9. #2, you’re not apologizing for your actions, you are acknowledging the hurt they caused. You’re not saying you won’t be angry again, you’re admitting that your words hurt the other person and you seek to resolve that. Again, if you’re not ready to amend your behavior and do something different, then it is probably not time to make the amends. #3, while direct amends is the preferred route, maybe these are cases where you write a letter, wait for and accept as their right to feel and say whatever feedback you get, and follow up with the action they might ask for. And then stay the hell away from them. That’s the indirect route, but settling with the concept of the step - atoning for harm you have caused is going to be better than arguing yourself into a fresh resentment.
Also, check this out. From the Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book), page 552, the story “Freedom From Bondage”
If you have resentment you want to be free of, if you will pray for the person or thing that you resent, you will be free. If you will ask in prayer for everything you want for yourself to be given to them, you will be free. Ask for their health, their prosperity, their happiness, and you will be free. Even when you don’t really want it for them and your prayers are only words and you don’t mean it, go ahead and do it anyway. Do it everyday for two weeks and you will find you have come to mean it and to want it for them, and you will realize that where you used to feel bitterness and resentment and hatred, you now feel compassionate, understanding and love.
It worked for me then, and it has worked for me many times since, and it will work for me every time I am willing to work it. Sometimes I have to ask first for the willingness, but it always comes. And because it works for me, it will work for all of us. As another great man says, ‘The only real freedom a human being can ever know is doing what you ought to do because you want to do it.
This great experience that released me from the bondage of hatred and replaced it with love is really just another affirmation of the truth I know: I get everything I need in Alcoholics Anonymous—everything I need I get—and when I get what I need I invariably find that it was just what I wanted all the time.
