Reality is this s.o.s (some old sad story) had tried to quit using narcotics in the past along with alochol. Like an other kid would steal my parents bottles or beers drink with friends. God dam could how fell in love with the ways of the world the booze, and the drugs. How many times would i lie to loved ones face “yeah am clean not using anymore” or “nah I’m fine just exhausted.”
This is my 9th relapse its cool talk down or motivated me. Truth is after mixing a few drugs together paranioa and loneliness was all that was left. Looked in the mirror hated myself. Asked my reflection “Do I got what I want or do I got what I need?”
Bottle and drugs is what cost me to lose my soul, my better half, just lost what i worked so hard to build for. 3 weeks sober no booze no drugs just me and my thought plus work. Thats life though right? Thanks for letting me share 
It doesn’t have to be. If I’m understanding right - and please let me know if I missed something 
- you feel like you’ve thrown everything away with your drinking and using. It doesn’t have to be that way though. You know what happens with using - it’s always the same. It’s never good. But if you find a sober program and work it, if you commit to yourself and understanding why you’re running away, what you’re running from, you can change.
It doesn’t have to be a mess. It doesn’t have to fall apart. You can choose never to drink or use again.
You’re right feel and know i thrown everything alway. Pretty much lit a fire on every bridge build. Fact is yeah commitment is key. Could sit here fix all the fucked up piece try and put it together drive myself nuts. Best option could do is just leave it alone. Trust me not running not gonna hide anymore am be honest with myself. Maybe there’s other out there feeling like this too just wanna let them know their not alone
You are 10000% not alone. So many of us have been there.
If you don’t mind me asking, are you trying to do your recovery alone? Have you ever joined a meeting?
Meetings and rehab never work for me always found loop holes. So yeah kinda just trying to find what works for me at the moment. With the whole epidemic going on kinda hard to do AA or NA meetings. So just been working and exercising keep busy. Some days are easy some days temptation is a demon.
Mmmm yes if we’re looking for a reason we find one, right? The nice thing about drugs is we always know exactly what’s going to happen. Not many things in life are that predictable 
Well hopefully you find what you’re looking for. Take care, stay safe & good luck 
Meetings are 1/3 of the AA program. And 1/4 of the NA program. I relapsed for 20 years thinking I had tried AA and NA and that I found loopholes. I’m here to tell you that I’m not only sober I’m recovered. I achieved victory over alcohol and drugs. I did it through the 12 steps.
There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguments and which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance-- that principle is contempt prior to investigation
Herbert Spencer
That was me for a long time until I did what the program suggest I do.
No balks, no middle of the road solution.
Did everything the program suggested and today I have victory over drugs and alcohol.
I was a hopeless case and yet here I am free from the only cell I’ve ever been locked in where I had the key and still couldn’t get out.
That’s been my experience as well (though you speak much more clearly). I am sober now because of work to understand myself and why I am what I am, and what I can be if I live a conscious, purposeful life. (Not exactly the steps, word for word, but structured in my sex addiction recovery group in the same way.)
Stepwork is what drives the change. It takes time and effort and it doesn’t come overnight. And it is not easy to see how it’s going to work. But it does
They never work when you don’t want them too down to your core. Sobriety in general doesn’t work unless you’ve run out of options to use and live. At some point it becomes use OR live.
Keep doing what works man, it’s gotten you this far, it can take you another day. All we got is today, so make it count and live the way you want too.
I chose Sobriety when I was faced with the hard choice, I stopped looking for loopholes, stopped listening to myself and started listening to all the people who had what I wanted, Sobriety, a happy life… happy when it was good or when it was bleak.
I was a terrible drunk, paranoid, prone to violence, manipulative as hell. I’m much better now, I’m amiable, productive, reliable… kids and wife don’t fear me, mom doesn’t fear I’m dead or in jail. If I can get and stay sober, so can you bud.
None of us are so far gone that we cannot be redeemed if we make the right choices today.
Keep trudging bud, we’re getting there.
Felt that dude
Have you looked at any other programs or resources? I found some of the female centered resources helpful (Women for Sobriety, Soberistas, etc). No meetings, but another spot to find community and support.
Making peace with the fact that I wasn’t giving up anything positive helped me a lot as well. I romanticized what drinking was for a very long time, when mostly all it was was messing me up and keeping on the hamster wheel, never actually getting anywhere.
Meditation has also been a good source for me.
You may find some inspiration in this thread as well…
https://talkingsober.com/t/besides-this-group-what-other-sources-are-you-using-for-your-journey
i used to also consider myself a “world class fuck up” and had a very casual approach to my alcoholism/drug addiction. i thought “well, this is just the way it is, i can’t stop, and i’ll end up dying from this shit one way or the other.” that mentality prevailed through countless half assed attempts at getting clean/sober. i couldn’t imagine life without getting drugs/alcohol and i absolutely hated the life i had with them. i got tired of wanting to die all the time and humbled myself enough to ask for help from others. right out of the gate i learned that i wasn’t a world class fuck up, i wasn’t the piece of shit i felt i was, i was a sick person and i needed help to get well. staying clean and sober and fully engaging in my recovery has transformed the way i look at the world and i’m genuinely thrilled to wake up in the morning now. the internet gives us access to a huge amount of recovery resources at the tip of our fingers. if you don’t like a particular recovery program keep looking at others, or craft your own - if you put your all into it good things will happen. 
True though i value life a lot with it beauty never do i wanna take my own life away. And yes everyone has their own thing weather it be a program or self motivation. See the whole point of the post most seem to miss is that we all been there, felt that, relapsed, fall or get back up. As long as you get up and fight not do it all over again and expect different results. Many of us out there with the same or different issue.
I stopped looking for loopholes, stopped listening to myself and started listening to all the people who had what I wanted,
Bingo. That’s how it was with me. When I stopped fighting the idea of sobriety it was amazingly easy to stay away from a drink.
Gave me something to contemplate over
Thanks