I’ve been married 28 years and my husband is a heavy drinker. I started my sober journey 80 days ago and he was supportive at the start and slowed down his drinking. But then got drunk on our anniversary and was a total ass. He finally apologized after he sobered up and realized it’s not healthy for our marriage. He has since only had a few beers here and there and is so much more loving. I realize I can only control myself and he’s his own person but some how we are finding that middle ground. We talk about it a lot and it’s taking time but we both want our marriage to survive and I think that’s the key. If you both want it then communicate often, find what works for you both and things will fall into place. Good luck. We’re all here for you. 
Thank you @SassyRocks and @Lisa07. I guess the part that I failed to share is that my husband is a rather verbally agressive drunk. He is a very different person when he drinks and it was easier to ignore when I was drinking with him. Now it is glaring and I find it very unattractive. Starting to really hear myself. I can’t do anything but be kind and mindfully in this for all involved. We will see how things shake out, I guess. So many facets. Thanks for your input. It is very helpful.
Definitely sounds like you and your husband need to have some frank conversations about his behavior when he is drunk. Make sure you are both rested, not hungover or drinking (him), and in a good mood before the discussion. I would let him know I wouldn’t be engaging with him when he is drinking or being verbally abusive. I would go to bed early, hang out in another room, go out to workout or yoga (if you don’t need to be home watching kids).
I lived with a verbally and physically abusive drunk husband who eventually tried to kill me. I know it can be a hard situation to leave (if you want to), but the most important thing is taking care of YOU and any children in the house.
Sounds difficult and I am sorry for that.
You are right. It really is okay for me to be a little selfish. Thank you!
No need to be sorry for it sounding difficult. It is what it is, right? I am very aware of how volatile things can become when alcohol is calling the shots. If I am honest, it has been in the forefront of my worries. There are a few eggshells on the ground on which I walk. Time…
Take care of yourself. That is what matters most.
In my experience abusive behavior is really similar to alcoholism. When it goes unchecked it tends to increase and intensify over time. I really hope you are able to have an open, caring conversation with your husband about this. Hopefully he will listen to what you have to say. I’m sorry you’re struggling, but just keep taking care of yourself, stay sober and hopefully your husband will be sympathetic to your concerns.
My husband said the EXACT same thing to me…”so, are you ever going to drink again”. Let me tell you, when I suggested that he would be sampling Scotch by himself during our trip to Scotland he got downright pissy. (To tell the truth, I relapsed before that trip (at the airport for fucks sake) so I DID taste Scotches with him…but that’s beside the point.)
But overtime he’s accepted that he had to drink alone. He’s actually drinking much less now too, probably because it’s NOT as much fun if he’s the only one drinking.
I’m not saying everything will be fine but maybe, just maybe, he’ll come around thanks to your example.
YOU CAN DO IT
Thank you @VSue. I started this thread last night while my husband was drinking and I was feeling so down. Today, it is because people like you cared enough to share your experiences and thoughts with me that I am feeling uplifted. I am on an early evening walk with my dog. Geese are flying and honking. There is a nice sunset, and the air smells fresh. I never would appreciate this stuff if I was drunk! Much appreciation.
I quit drinking 160 days ago and my husband has been nothing but supportive. I’m a very lucky girl. He still drinks but it doesn’t bother me one bit. I’ve even bought him beer at the store and was fine with it.
Happy to hear that. I guess I am really starting to realize it is less about my husband continuing to drink. It is more about the aggressive behavior and the continued reason for drinking to get drunk. Maybe I need more kindness in my life. I feel like I am on an island… so much to say. I guess it will work itself out at some point and I will be able to look back with some level of gratitude for the process.
It’s not selfish to expect respect, if respect is given, and for a spouse to be accountable for their behavior. “Sorry, I was drunk” is neither an apology, nor an acceptable excuse.
Heard that!