But, looks like it won’t be this time. Starting to think I have a subconscious self defeating need to fail at this! Or maybe that’s just another excuse. Gonna probably stop here and sign off. Maybe the one thing I can do right today is not be a bad influence on anyone else. Be strong everyone. I’m not, at least today:cry:
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One day is good enough. Then do one day the next day. 
️
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Ain’t no “maybe”. 100% it’s an excuse. It’s that self-defeating part of our brains. If you can do 10, you can do 11. Why? Because you’ve done 10. You’ve proven it to yourself. Now do it again, every day.
You just need to get after it, every day.
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Hopefully you’re not off!!! Reply if you arent off.
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Hey Cathy @Whispywhinny , You do have a subconscious drive to self-defeat. It called alcoholism. However it’s a drive, not a need. You lived without it for 10 days. It’s not food or water.
You can satisfy that self destructive drive in other ways. Play with it until you get the better of it. Eat junk, shop, exercise until you hurt, anything except drink, drugs or gambling. Maybe stay up late and binge on TV or video games. If none of those sound good and only your DOC does that because none of these things are needs.
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@MoBama
Hi…I’m back. I hope didn’t discourage you or make it harder for you today. I honestly wish I just stayed away in that state of mind. I don’t want to trigger anyone else. I hope you’re ok❤
Boy did I blow it
@C-sun
Lol…thanks for that vivid analogy 
You at least got me to chuckle.
And like your Logo says…I need to "retire"my blackouts …good suggestions.
Wow…I guess it is high time I get off the self pity wagon. That is amazing what you’ve been through. I guess we all have our story to tell. Maybe everyone here does and that is why we arrived here? Idk, still trying to figure it all out, and my brain is definitely not clear today.
I’ve thought about writing it all out. Have many friends who know my story who say I should, that it would help. Maybe it would. They are my tragedies, but when I read and here what others have been through that are so much worse, mine sounds again like a self pity party.
I really appreciate you sharing that because it’s encouraging to me. Like you said…huge struggles can be over come once the mind is made up.
I saw a thread here that said something about one day having it all together…and then blowing it.
I still cant figure out why I relapsed last night. Wasn’t craving a drink…in fact it tasted terrible…a drink I usually preferred. I hated it …all of it…how it made me feel…all of it. I woke up on the wrong side of the bed yesterday. Had to plow snow all day. Got ugly at my husband when the truck broke down but this is something we deal with all the time with the work we do…not an unusually bad day. But at some point in the day my little brain just snapped and I said “screw it…I’m drinking tonight”…and I spent the rest of the day actually talking myself INTO it after doing great for almost 10 days. What the hell is wrong with me?
Sorry this is so long an crazy…I just typed out everything in my head…it probably doesn’t even make sense…
I LOVE that!
That is exactly what it seemed like.
Thank you , I will do this , at least come to the forum the next time it hits. Honestly that crossed my mind several times and I kept rejecting it. In fact now that I’m thinking about it I did log on once , and , this sounds crazy, but a couple of nice and encouraging replies people gave to my post sent me flying in the opposite direction…right downtown for booz! That’s what I mean about this crazy self defeating behaviour. I even saw a very close (family close) friend in the store who I purposely hid from so he wouldn’t see me buying booze! This is not who I am! I don’t act like this or treat anyone this way, ever…least of all my loved ones.
I will check in here more regularly…I will. I have to. This has to stop!
Thank you again x 100!
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