It used to be, when I was zonked out on high doses of my benzos, on an unorthodox prescription (I was having anxiety attacks making me feel like I was gonna die, and I couldn’t get out of bed), I would feel so amazing…it was like a cushiony pillow of escapism…I could sleep, if I had flashbacks, I would just coast through them without being too frightened, etc.
Now, for a few times today, on my lowered dosage at 1.75mg/day instead of the 4mg, I could feel reality. I felt more in my own body than I ever did in the last twelve years, I could feel more nerve activity on the bottom of my feet, literally grounding me, the Earth feels more real, and I honestly am getting tripped up by how beautiful life is, even if there’s bad things going on in this world…I am so grateful for the good things. Been on 1.75mg for about 13 of the last 15 days, about 90 days on 2mg instead of 4mg. This is clonazepam and I think my 4mg is equivalent to 80mg Valium or something…so I have cut down my body’s levels of this chemical, immensely. Clonazepam has a long half life, so I feel like I have diminished my blood plasma level of it and metabolites, by half
It’s like the color and detail department of my brain went on vacation for 12 years. I have never been on this low of a dosage before throughout these entire 12 years. Everything in life has become more vivid, more “there” in this realm than before
My body seems to be actively keen on flushing it out of my system. I am sweating a lot, there is much stronger blood flow to my face and head as well as my arms and feet.
I am taking cbd to make sure I don’t get a seizure. Just plain cbd in a gelatin capsule.
This is really tough stuff!
The other night I broke down and took 2.25mg. I just had to, I was so gone with a major lack of sleep.
But, I am trying to force myself to just take the 1.75mg for now. My resolve is stronger every time I have to take a larger dose, I crack down on my behavior even stronger.
I truly hope to be free of this addiction. Perhaps in another six months, maybe more. I have no interest in rushing it due to some nasty adverse effects from withdrawing too fast (including deadly seizures, hence the cbd).
It completely wiped out my 20s as an adult. It’s terrible. Imagine being over 30 with the mind of an 18 year old. I have no idea what I am doing, I just know I want to be sober…I want my life back. Life was just fine for me before taking substances.
I hope someone benefits from this story. But yeah, I am cutting those wafers to the same size every time, for probably another two weeks and then see if I can lower to 1.5mg.
Don’t give up. Keep moving forward 