A piece I wrote while not being able to sleep❤️
I gaze into darkness, searching, I find what I’m looking for and we lock eyes. From deep within the shadows they seem almost friendly, they always do at first. They’re familiar eyes, the eyes of addiction, he looks six feet under but he smiles at me, waiting for me to greet him, a smile that is ruthless and unyielding. One I use to smile back at. He’s waiting for me to recognize him, to see if I still do. And I do, I have always recognized him. I stand still, fighting this urge to run and greet my old companion. He beckons me to come reminisce with him, as he knows all of mine, and Dan’s stories. I don’t move, keeping my gaze steady…
I didn’t want this to be our story, the one where addiction wins, no one would. The hands of addiction have broken me open, exposing me, wounds from a fight I almost lost, both the defeat and triumph coming at a price that I wouldn’t have agreed to, had I known then, what I know now. Addiction; Like an endless fog that I try and feel my way out of, always extending its far reaching hand for me, begging me to take it once more. Out of desperation to escape this maze like pain, where fog hangs low and heavy, I ALMOST reach back. As I start to take a step towards him, I hear Daniel’s voice, a distant sweet echo. A repeated sentence I’d heard once in a time that feels like, a different life now… “I promise baby, this will be the last time and I’ll never use again.” I immediately stop, as if I’ve hit a brick wall. I turn to run, fumbling and trembling, I close my eyes and my grief over the loss of him and my love for him collides. Exploding in a full array of color, with destructive force. It’s then that I look around and notice the fog dissipating, clearing, I see light and it hits me, I’m here. I’m alive. I’m going to stay that way. I’m.still.here. I’ve survived this abyss I’ve been thrown into. I’ve won another battle. From the moment I chose to shake addictions hand it has fought me, taking things most precious from me. Some of you have made that same choice too, shaking hands with addiction. Playing it’s game, dancing around it’s arena… I guess I just happened to grab the short straw. Chosen to be the one who would give more to participate. While you, well you just got lucky it was me, and not you.
