I’m not here for sympathy or anything; just to rant.
I’m trying to get clean from porn, but have failed miserably. This has led to me destroying my partner emotionally and putting my relationship on the line for some images on a screen.
Today I was just thinking about my partner; her beauty, her scent, her tender touch. All of these things I’ve been giving up for 2D women I’ll never know the same way I’ve known my partner.
I’m a pretty vulnerable guy. Whenever I’m having a rough patch in life, I’ll have my partner hold me to her chest and caress my head. It’s easily one of the things that I value most about our relationship; it being her comfort. I don’t want to imagine a world without it, but I still choose to have a lifestyle that slowly creates that world.
How stupid do I have to be? Most men would kill for a woman like her. They might give up their passions for a woman like her or drop everything just for a chance with a woman like the one I’m with.
I just wish these feelings wouldn’t come in waves. I wish when I was tempted, these feelings would be right there to stop me. I know I have to get clean whether or not I have these feelings, but hell would it be a lot easier.
Don’t think you ever replied to any of the folks on your other thread re taking any action. There was a lot of good advice and healthy perspective there.
Beware not to put her on the pedestal of the idealised comforting carer role. The saint / whore dychotomy is a central element of SA thinking.
Write your positive feelings down and the reasons not to look a porn and put copies on or near the devices you use to view it and have a copy in your wallet (pocket book).
I’ve still got a copy of my reasons not to drink in my wallet, there for if I’m ever tempted to buy booze.
I think the positive reinforcement of why not to do whatever it is, probably works for most, if not all addictions.
This messed up addict inside me doesn’t really care about all the people I hurt when I act out. It’s all subconscious. And trying to reason with my addict is like reasoning with a 2 year old with the body of HULK. Consciously, I know porn is bad for me. I know it will break up my marriage and family. I know that it will lead me to a path of death. And that it will offer me no satisfaction. But is that enough to keep me from acting out?
Nope. My subconscious doesn’t care. It still thinks porn is the best thing in the world. It thinks lust is okay, and that monogamy is a path of misery (when, in reality, the opposite is true).
My mind and subconscious work pretty well when I’m not exposing it to too much stimuli. By not looking at anything that can be used as a P-sub and by choosing not to entertain lustful thoughts and fantasies, I don’t dare open the door for my messed up perverted subconscious mind to use anything I expose it to so that it can indulge in it’s desire for perversion.
Relapse to porn happens well before I use. Small compromises lead to great disasters. And every sin originates in the heart. Which means before I done it, I thunk it.
Building up support for myself has been helpful. I honestly say that TS has been the greatest influential support that I’ve ever had.
Having good boundaries and learning to take better care of myself are also important. And continuing to search for answers and solutions. Seeking God for help. Reading books on the subject. And when something doesn’t work, or stops working, I stop trying harder, and start trying different.
And with God’s help, sure enough, I know there is a way out. Even someone as far down the scale as me has hope. And can live a life that’s free. If God can do it for me, He can do it for you too.
I’m glad you’re still here @alamasterjar. Keep posting and sharing.
Porn addiction sucks and in my experience people laugh at but it’s VERY real I am with you. Things that helped me with porn addiction… I know this sound weird but my wife and I would make our own she was hesitant but when it was time to pleasure myself I used our stuff. And then I started noticing I wasn’t jerking off twice a day or spending hours looking at the endless rabbit whole of porn it was weird it almost shut off after her and I started doing that very strange