My husband went out yesterday after work to dinner and drinks with friends. I was at home with my youngest. My oldest two are both away for the weekend with friends. It was so hard to not drink! Thankfully we don’t have any alcohol in the house because I would have come very close to drinking, or maybe even drank. It was the most triggered that I have felt in a long time. I felt like I was doing my first Friday all over again. Felt so anxious and horrible.
I’m on day 62 today and I’ve been feeling super awesome, especially more and more lately. I’ve gone to bars, bbq’s, and done lots of activities that I would normally have drank for and I’ve gotten through it easy peasy, but last night was scary! It’s not often that I’m home alone without the accountability of my husband. Maybe a handful of times a year. But it’s a fear of mine, that if something were to happen and I was l left to my own devices could I do sobriety on my own? I don’t think that I could and I feel shame that I can’t be accountable for myself if I’m alone.
For people who have years plus of sobriety, is this normal??? Is it normal to still find yourself in situations that you can’t control, where you feel incredibly triggered???
I feel like I should push my husband to go out more often so I can practice handling myself alone, but then I’m scared that might be a terrible idea to put myself right in the face of temptation. Occasionally he goes out of town for work, usually no more than three days at a time, and usually only two or three times a year. I’m scared that if left alone for multiple nights like that I will drink. Would it be a good idea for him to go out for a few hours a night maybe once a month or every couple months so I can practice being alone to prep for his trips away???
I just found my wife’s unlocked Fire tablet under the seat of the car on my way to work. I’m not going to act out now. I guess on some days, I’ve got a little more will power than on others.
I hopefully will have enough clarity to stay sober before I get back home.
And then I will plan to have a talk with my family encouraging them to please keep their devices locked.
It’s a complete violation of my middle circle boundaries to have any unfiltered access to the internet. That’s how cunning, baffling, and powerful my addiction can be for me.
I was about 90 to 120 days in and working actively on the AA steps with a sponsor. Around that time, I found to my delight that I’d had a string of days, maybe 2 or 4, when I did not even think about alcohol. After the obsession with it was lifted from me, I’ve kept working to maintain that beautiful, serene, sanity.
I can relate to your story. I’m 47 days and doing great but last weekend was really difficult for me. I came so closed to drinking Saturday and Sunday.
I got triggered last Sunday because I didn’t anticipated and prepared for that situation. You see, if I meet friends at a bar or a restaurant, I prepare myself in advance and make a mental plan so I’m good. But last Sunday, I went to an attraction parc with my son. It was a hot sunny day. In the past, my husband and I would let the kids do a few rides, while we would drink a few beers watching them. Last Sunday I felt pain and temptation every time I saw a bar or someone with a beer in their hand. I was almost willing to lose it all… but I didnt of course.
That incident doesn’t mean that I can no longer go to attraction parks, it just means that I’ve got to keep my guards up for that kind of environment and mentally prepare for it.
Was it the first time your husband went out since sobriety? Did you know well in advance? Maybe for the next few times you’ll need to make a plan, prepare, take the opportunity to do something that you truly enjoy that you don’t get to do as often when he’s around .
I have found that for whatever reason a few days around milestones like 30, 60, 90 days and then my year I felt shifty and craving. So yes, I find it normal for my recovery and something that went away quickly for me. YMMV of course, but I did notice it is right around your 2 month time.
Also, while 62 days is pretty awesome and incredible and congrats!!..it is still early days and you shouldn’t expect all cravings to magically disappear forever. It is normal and okay to feel them…just don’t act on them.
What you are being reminded of is that we heal when we figure out how to handle our triggers and feed them healthy stuff not our DOC.
The key here is to figure out what you can do to ride thru that crave successfully and why are you having it? Bored? Go to a meeting or work out or sleep or go visit a sober friend, a movie, a walk, etc.
You can do this. Don’t assume you will always feel that way, but sure ask him to head out for a couple of hours and have some fun stuff for yourself lined up as well.
I say you got this. Yesterday is gone. Today you are solid.
I did far more drinking at home than I ever did out. And being home alone was simply an opportunity to drink MORE because no one would see it and judge me. So yeah, being at home all alone (kids don’t count…they’re easy to convince that everything is fine and normal) was really hard.
BUT it has gotten easier with time (235 days now). There have even been nights when I go to bed and realize I didn’t even think about a drink all evening. It’s crazy. I often can’t believe it.
Being around lots of drinking and smelling other people’s booze is now my struggle. Mostly I want to drink with them do that their smelly alcohol and drunken behaviour no longer irritates me!! LOL
You won’t always feel like this, being at home alone was a big test for me too. Most of my drinking was done at home alone, or with company whichever. I knew that the evenings would be a big risk for me at first so I made myself accountable to my mum who moved in with me 8 years ago, a few weeks in she went on holiday, I knew I wouldnt be safe from myself during that time so I asked her sister to stay with me. Admitting to her sister I am an alcoholic was a scary thought but not as scary as relapsing so I asked her. Since then I’ve gone from strength to strength as I’ve built up my sober muscles, I love spending time on my own and the thought of drinking rarely crosses my mind or is easily silenced if it does. You can get past this, do you have anyone else you can be accountable to while your husband is away?
This was the first time alone at home since sobriety. I only had about an hour to prepare for him going out. I did come up with a plan but it didn’t feel like a great one. I just kept telling myself to put all my focus into my son. Whatever he wanted to do was what we did. If he wanted my attention he had it 100% but that was the difficult part. He wanted to watch a movie and color. Sitting on the couch and coloring was when I really started to think about a drink. Just sitting, mindlessly, watching the same movie for the 10,000 time. I thought about putting a sparking water into a wine glass hahaha! Then I thought about throwing away all of my wine glasses. I pushed through it but God was it hard!! I don’t want to do it again but some things we just can’t control. I can’t force my husband to be by my side constantly until I’m dead. I’ll have to work on my tool box for those situations.
Isn’t that so odd that we feel that way about our kids? I would die for my kids, do anything to keep them happy and healthy and safe. But alcohol has a nasty way of convincing ourselves that we aren’t doing anything wrong drinking around them and we are in control even when we aren’t.
I started getting sober in January but had about a dozen slip ups between then and May. May 17 was my last drink. But being at home was such a trigger for me. Friday nights were my worst! I dragged my husband out every Friday night for probably five weeks in a row because being home was too much. I felt more comfortable in a restaurant, with alcohol all around me, than I did watching a movie on the couch with my family.
Hey Mal, this is nothing short of normal. When we are in our environment where we were active with our substance of choice, there are several triggers happening at once. Your disease tells you it’s ok, you’ve done it so many times before, just one, and so one. It’s a simple test. Play the tape forward, take a few deep breaths and divert your focus.
Cravings tend to last between two to three minutes and then begin to subside. I work as a nanny for a family that are big wine drinkers. head between my legs but when I would sleep over and the kids were asleep, I’d have wine. It was right in the fridge, in the bar area, the garage, you name it. So for me when I got sober and did a week of overnights, that was a challenge for me. It’s ok to be nervous but the biggest thing is that you are aware of it. You’re aware that that’s when you want to drink and you are shutting it down. The feeling of being uncomfortable will pass you just need to keep your mind busy.
Honestly I do put my seltzer in big long stemmed wine glasses. But that’s me. I’m almost five months sober and have cirrhosis so my circumstances are a little different-if I do drink my liver could virtually shut down and I wouldn’t be able to receive a transplant bc I am not sober. But the drinking out of a glass does help me. Just calms my nerves. All about what works for you. Keep up the good work, keep fighting the good fight and keep coming back! You got this
I don’t have many friends or family and the ones I have drink. They know I’m sober but they just don’t understand why I choose to live this way. They don’t see my problem because they have the same one. They don’t see the harm in drinking on weekends, or drinking when you’re stressed or nervous. I’m really trying to tackle this whole thing alone. I know I need to find a sober group and sober friends but I haven’t gotten to that point yet. People make me nervous and the thought of making friends is incredibly stressful. So far my husband and this group have been my rock.
I’m glad to hear this about the wine glass. I almost did it! But I wasn’t sure if it would help or hurt the situation. I have always loved a big long stemmed wine glass though. And mugs. I love collecting mugs too. Maybe next time I’ll give it a try and see how it feels. I don’t have any alcohol in the house anyway so worse case I just make myself more uncomfortable lol and then I pack all my wine glasses into boxes!
You know what? It was hard but you succeeded. You managed to stay home alone and sober. That is a huge success! Really!
Now, you had a plan, keeping the focus on your child and making him happy, but what about you?
If one thing I remember about having young children is the we always come last.
Do you enjoy painting? Doing crafts? This can be something fun to do while your child was drawing?
When I am alone, I try to do things that I enjoyed doing when I was young or single. Helps me reconnect with myself. I know this sounds boring but I enjoy doing puzzles, so relaxing.
In your tool box, make a list of things you enjoyed doing through out your life. This might come in handy one of these days.
You did good girl!
Thank you! A coworker actually just gave me a puzzle a couple weeks ago because I used to love puzzles years ago. I’ll give it a try next time. Thanks!!
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