Almost 2 years alcohol free. I have purged all toxic people from my life. Have nothing to do with any one in my family. Have no genuine friendships I can rely on. I feel completely alone. I wish people would be realistic about how difficult recovery actually is. I haven’t felt this lonely, cynical, paranoid and distrusting of all humans in a very long time. If sobriety is just as miserable an existence as use what’s the point. I lost a friend in recovery to suicide a couple months back. At the funeral my uncle, who knew him also ambushed me with a conversation about how I should make amends with my parents. Not the time or place dude. I apologize for this post not making much sense. I have no one in my life to have deep conversations about this stuff so im venting a lot that I’ve kept inside my head. I have 2 daughters and im completely terrified that im destroying them a little bit everyday. People talk about achieving a sort of peace in recovery, I haven’t found it yet. I feel like im in a constant state of waiting and preparing for the next catastrophe.
Thank you. I often forget I’m far from alone in my history with addiction but also narcissistic abuse. That is the reason i eliminated all family from my life. I am not very hopeful about finding genuine people to connect with. I truly appreciate you taking the time to comment. It helps to be reminded of others struggles. I’ve been listening to AOM podcast a ton lately and it’s helped me to know what I want to focus my time on with regard to what I’m healing but damn I overdue it and get burned out quick. The first year of recovery was shit eating optimism, this years been a healthy Ass whooping of reality.
Welcome Back! You sound like you are hurting a lot. You are not alone here. What came up immediately, why don’t you join us on the gratitude thread. Or have a look and read bit there. It’s not all bad.
Congratulations on your almost 2 years!!!
Perhaps I shall try to read it in a few days. The current mindstate I’m in would cause me to read it all with cynicism and I wouldn’t get anything out of it. Thank you for the suggestion.
I know this state of mind too well. When my hormones are chaotic or well doing what a female body does it gets worse. We have a thread for this as well 
For me the gratitude is s ok me days mechanically and on others I can feel it really in my heart and already this realization is good.
Progress int profection in slogan recovery meeting in NA meeting
Congratulation for one years clean and serene
It has been completely crushing. I turned 30 last year and just now am becoming aware of how twisted my childhood was. Thank you for sharing additional resources. I’ve inhaled most of Dr. Ramanis work but hadn’t heard of the other experts in the field. I listened to that YouTube video you shared on my drive to work and cried most of the way. I quite regularly do things that support the way I was raised. I do no self care routine. I don’t give myself permission to have emotions. I feel like I’m one comment or mean look from someone away from a complete psychological meltdown.
Thank you, I don’t give myself any props for it. It kinda feels like too little too late and about time I got my shit together. I also don’t hold a lot of stock in there being intrinsic value to sobriety itself.
It is definitely not too late. I got sober after 40+ years of drinking and it is the best thing I ever did for myself. Likely THE best thing in my whole life. And it does take time to get our footing again…to become who we are meant to be. Especially with past trauma.
That waiting for the next catastrophe, that is a trauma response. Your body spirit and mind are still healing. All that stuff needs somewhere to go and writing it out here, or in a journal or talking with a therapist can be incredibly healing. Getting it out…a relief you deserve.
I apologize for not fully reading your post 1st time thru. I did not give you the thought and consideration you deserve.
The peace can take time. Sobriety itself does not just bring it. After the no longer drinking, then it is important to begin the recovery process. The why we drank, the what we were numbing, the how we move forward in healing.
Be gentle with yourself. This is hard stuff…yet 100% worth it. The process of becoming our self, of healing our self IS hard work and so incredibly important for you and for your children. We heal so they don’t have to follow in our footsteps. We have the power to stop the generational trauma. 
1 year 11 months 22 days congratulations 
I am nowhere near as far along, but completely understand. My wife stopped drinking a year and half ago, and we found out real quick that “friends” don’t give 2 shits about bettering yourself. Now that I have stopped drinking, even more crickets. We are on the verge of some highly explosive issues close to home. And really only have each other to rely on. And parents of 3 boys, how we handle these situations could be defining moments. Our childhoods were weird af also. We’re getting therapy/counseling, separate from each other. Trying to be each other’s therapist does not work!
If you haven’t already, reach out for counseling. Not just recovery, but all of it! I respect your strength!! To make it almost 2 years with obvious reasons/excuses to relapse, unbelievably strong!!! Find someone who has no vested interest, completely objective and squeeze those babies!! You got this lady!!
Haha oh this made my day. Y’all think I’m a woman. Nope male here. I do appreciate the referral to the gratitude page though, that is an area I’ve been neglecting.
Oh sorry , I am very sorry 
No worries. It gave me a laugh. You weren’t the only one to think so haha
My bad! Not sure why I assumed!! I’ve heard I have a girl’s name my whole life. 
For me I can say, that I concluded it from you having two daughters and maybe no partner. It is more often to be a single mom where I live. And you name doesn’t give me a hint, nor the picture.
I wish people would be realistic about how difficult recovery actually is.
I was fortunate to get sober with regular attendance at a lively AA meeting, full of young people, plenty of new folks coming in, and enough “old-timers” with 2 or more years sober to keep us grounded. It was a very social meeting and they made me welcome. There was a group of maybe 6-10 men with a wide range of sober time who invited me to go out with them after the meeting to have dinner. This was a downtown, 5:30 pm meeting. I learned from these guys so much about how to stay sober, how to not gossip, how to be a responsible and caring adult, how to talk about faith and politics, how to laugh with abandon. And how to be comfortable in a restaurant that also had a bar.
I went to meetings to learn how to get and stay sober. What I found there was hope and faith and fellowship, things which I had given up on ever knowing. I am deeply grateful to the Over The Hump meeting and the wonderful men and women who helped me there.