Print this post out and keep it handy. It is really hard those first few days/weeks. We’ve all been there and I know I’m not any stronger than you probably. Push through and get mad at that voice tempting you!!
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I hear ya on the restarts. I was a chronic relapser. I actually decorated a xmas tree one year with all my white key tags from AA and CA and NA. I feel like I’ve tried everything imaginable to quit. I’m on Day 1 again and I’m doing things differently this time. Learning from past relapses can be a helpful tool in knowing not what to do. Keep at it! We got this 
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You aren’t weak!! Addiction is hard. Alcohol is cunning, baffling!!! The first step of AA is to admit we are powerless to alcohol. It sounds like an awful think to admit but the truth is, once you do it is completely freeing.
My advice is to stop fighting it. Give in to it (not give in to alcohol…but give in to the powerlessness) and get out there to get help. It doesn’t have to be AA, maybe another program, maybe private therapy. But you need support.
YOU CAN DO IT!!!
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Acceptance is the answer. Having the disease is a big pill to swallow but owning it gives us strength. Talk about it to others on here, people you know who don’t drink or use and if you don’t know any… get some. Booze costs $ last time I checked, meetings are free. We all do this walk one day at a time.
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Well, I can give you a suggestion that - while not ABSOLUTELY free - is certainly VERY inexpensive.
You should look into the Stop Drinking (or words to that effect) book by Alan Carr on Amazon. I bought as a download for just a few euros, so it would probably be about the same in US money.
Here are a couple of things that I got from that book, that have stuck with me quite well.
Firstly, doing without alcohol isn’t DEPRIVING yourself of anything, but rather FREEING yourself from the talons of an industry that has spread illness and misery and poverty for millennia.
Secondly, what would happen if you guzzled 500 ml of water or juice or milk (or even Coke, for that matter) ? Well, other than feeling a bit bloated, NOTHING would happen. What would happen if you (tried to) guzzle half a litre of STRAIGHT alcohol ? You would probably be dead from alcohol poisoning before you got to the bottom of the glass.
Alcohol doesn’t add anything to life…
Yesterday, as I often do, I was feeling depressed as hell, sick and tired of being alone 98% of the time, generally bummed out and hating myself more than usual. I really felt for a bit that I WANTED to go buy some wine, in an effort to… to… I don’t know what.
But, I thought about it and remembered that alcohol really wouldn’t make things any better, and would only contribute to making me feel even crappier.
You should check in here whenever you can… you’ll find it helpful (I certainly have) to see that other people have gone / are going through similar things.
You can do it, we all can.
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Everyone has already given you great advice. I just wanted to add that there’s a lot of resources out there that are free including this app but you have to want it bad enough. Here’s a link when you’re ready to commit 100%. Resources for our recovery
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Allen Carr’s book is brilliant! Defo worth a read. The one saying that struck my very core early on, that I saw on here was…NOTHING CHANGES IF NOTHING CHANGES! If you really want to stop you have to be really strong and don’t drink! Take it an hour at a time, a day at a time. It’s hard, we all have had a day one but if you really want to change you have to make changes. I’m sending you strength… 
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I am back to day 1 as well after reaching 10 days sober for the first time in months.
I did not reach out for help from my sponsor or anyone before picking up a drink again. I felt good sober, was doing more, reading more, thinking clearer.
Being alone at home, stress, wanting to feel that bliss that comes with the first drink led to 3 days of drinking and having to call into work for one of those days.
I feel so weak, a failure, like I will never be able to manage this disease.
Haven’t told any family or friends, so scared of how they would react/what they would say.
Did reach out to my sponsor and others in AA, started taking my Antabuse again.
It makes no sense that I would keep putting myself through this cycle of pain, regret, withdrawals yet I do.
It’s insane how I am handling this, I hate it so much!
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If it helps it stick this time it was worth it, Sonya. It took me quite a few, but when you get it, you get it!!
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I show 27 resets. Truly hope it does stick this time.
I keep saying and know I want a better life, it’s just getting myself to ask/get help before I make a mistake again.
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Come here more, it helped me. I know everyone is different but you can do it. 
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Dont feel so bad. I’ve restarted 22 times. I’m 4 days sober right now. Hang in there. Be strong. Pray and talk to others. I’ve been through allot. I’m a alcoholic but. 4 days sober is great 4 me. Dont give up my friend
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Everyone else has already posted so many great things. The only thing I can add that has helped me is that I have replaced using wine/alcohol to wind down or relax with lots of self care! Be selfish!! I take a lot of hot baths with Epsom salt w/essential oils. Light some candles. Listen to music/podcast. Face mask. I’ve had to come up with healthier ways to relax. I’m on day 54, and I feel like my mind is already looking forward to the “new” relaxation methods I’ve been using! And they don’t cause me to wake up with a hangover lol. I’ve been watching YouTube videos to learn how to do different make up ideas. Which I never cared much about before.
I read a lot of literature on alcoholism, but sometimes it’s easier to forget my problems and get lost in a fictional book. Others may think this is lame, but plants and gardening are awesome ways to take your mind off of it, too! It’s so nice taking care of something that gives back to you! I’ve always loved to garden, but I’m finding it even more enjoyable now as a way to get outside and zone out. Even if you just have a small patio, just grow some stuff in pots! And if you’re ever wanting to talk to someone who can relate, I’m here. 
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Heres some links for scholarships… they helped me… I had to accept the fact that I cannot successfully drink ever …at all. Never has one of my insane rationalizations worked out. Its a daily maintenance. Mind, body, sprit.
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You have just arrived at your own realisation. You listed all the things that you should have done but didn’t.
If you learn from this at all, then next time you will do all of those things because you need to.
You disease will want to keep you isolated.
There is a YouTube video called " The opposite of addiction is connection" I think, look it up.
And don’t live in fear, again that is you alcoholic mind talking. Break out of the fear cycle. Tell people what has happened but also tell them why it happened, because you isolated! Tell them your plan for how will deal with it next time.
This is called working our sobriety.
This is called taking control!
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You are not the first person to ask this question. I strongly recommend you read and study with another member the ‘Big Book’ Alcoholics Anonymous.
Page 45
Lack of power, that was our dilemma. We had to find a power by which we could live, and it had to be a Power greater than ourselves.
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In order to accomplish anything, one must have two things; the will to do so, and the means to do so.
The fact that you keep trying indicates you have the will to quit drinking. Your questions as to “how” indicates you lack the means to do so.
Beyond just trying to resist, what are you doing to acquire the tools and knowledge to achieve sobriety? Have you spoken to your doctor? Have you considered rehab or IOP? Have you attended meetings? Do you have a support network or accountability partners? Do you have any sober activities to replace your drinking rituals? Do you socialize with drinkers and do you have any non drinking friends? Do you listen to sobriety podcasts or watch sobriety videos on YouTube or Video?
Get you some means. It will maximize your will.
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The negative feelings accumulating are overwhelming. Reaching out to other people in recovery, my AA sponsor regularly has to be a priority. I just cant bring myself to tell friends or family, they just do not get it and I don’t want a lecture I need support.
How you doing Sonya?
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