So i havent been focusong on my sober time very much in the past 8 months. I found it wasnt helpful for me to count down each day, but i do check in to the counter on here every couple months just to remind myself. I am coming up on 1 year, and in the past 2-2.5 month (since xmas basically) i have tried to score (genuinly) atleast 2x. Both times there was some “divine” intervention. 1st, i locked myself out of the house, had no keys to drive to my deal. 2nd i fell asleep (had been drinking) before the dealer got back to me.
I know i shouldnt drink, it in itself, is an addiction of mine. Ive struggled with alcohol my whole life but it has never consumed me, and at this moment (as terrible as it may be), it is the only thing keeping me clean from heroin. The big problem comes when alcohol isnt enough.
Im not stupid, i know i shouldnt drink but right now im choosing the lesser of 2 evils i guess. I am on methadone, so alcohol is not a “physical” addiction of mine right now (it has been in the past). I am not drinking daily, but more in an escapism way every couple days. I try to turn to my art and other heathier options, but nights eapecially are hard for me. I have insomnia and trauma nightmares and have never really found a way to cope correctly at night…
I have kind of lost my point of this entry, except to say that i thought about messaging my dealer just a bit ago, but instead checked my time and reminded myself how close to 1 year i am…
Another insomniac here, currently downloading all sorts of apps for self love/motivation and what not to try to deal with all sorts of emotions…
But with all my love, please don’t be a dumbass.
Of course it’s difficult, painful, and lot of emotions going but you’ve made it this far, you can do atleast another 3 weeks x
Awesome job on staying clean and fighting the urge
Hey there, I feel like you need to start putting work of introspection and exploration into your sobriety, really start recovery as a process rather than just staying away from one DOC, or else you’re going to lose that sober time and God know what else.
Meetings, books, podcasts, therapy, participate in this place - there are a million ways to start.
I think you need to kick it up a notch. What are you willing to do?
Corrollary: Are you done yet?
I do meetings for nearly 2 years now and try to help people that need it