20 days and nothing improved

Im new to the app. I’m 30 and the last 20 days is seriously the only time I’ve been sober since I was 13. I stopped for health reasons, I don’t wanna die. I was a half gallon of Jim and a case a bud a day guy. I had the usual, shaking, fever, puking up motor oil like substances and full body pain in general. The cravings are what’s getting me. I’ve found alcohol around the house and have to immediately pour it out or I know I’ll drink it. I’m hitting a wall where it feels like my brain is starting to “sober up” for the first time and I don’t really know who I am, I’m bored, I have zero interest in anything, starting to feel like sober people are the crazy ones. I even have trouble driving sober as I’ve never done it. it’s just so hard to explain in words. Like what am I supposed to do with my time? Who am I? What do I like to do? When will the cravings decrease? When will I see a positive thing come from this torture? I don’t have answers. I started a successful business while drinking non stop and in the last 20 days I’m learning that I don’t even know how to do my own job that I created for myself. One day at a time is more than just a saying to me now as it’s how I’m having to live my life right now. My wife says she’s so proud of me but I’ve never felt like more of a let down in my whole life. Going through this is infuriating and I hope it’s okay that I say that here. Venting would help if I could find the words. Just wondering if there’s anyone here that’s felt like I do?

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Try going for a walk?

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I went thru the exact same questions with all this “free time”. You learn how to live again. Be patient with yourself.

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I’m trying to. Drinking has got me quite overweight and also damaged my heart so I can’t do it like I used to but trying to increase my steps everyday while trying to enjoy it at the same time.

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I’ve never been one to be patient lol but I’m trying to learn how really hard. It’s the people that stop drinking for 5 days and have a list a mile long of things that’s improving in their lives that gets me.

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Comparison is the thief of joy - yet another platitude, but seriously, there’s a reason social media causes people so much strife. You only see/hear about what people want to post, and it’s often sugar coated.

Goes for on here, too, to some degree. Have you heard of the “pink cloud?” When the people who feel great when they first get sober and think that everything is coming up roses? I’m not saying it happens to everyone, but we hear a lot about that pink cloud either fading or disappearing fast pretty often, and that’s when people have to look at their lives from a more real perspective. It can happen when the first hard life thing comes along and suddenly it’s not so easy to be sober. My pink cloud vanished pretty harshly and pretty early on and I relapsed hard. That’s when I realized that being and staying sober was going to be WORK. And I had to decide that the work was worthwhile, because like you I wanted to live. It also took longer than I wanted to relearn or learn for the first time how to live. How to spend my time. What I cared about and what I wanted life to look like for me. It’s a huge adjustment. Like Cjp said, be patient! Get those steps in and take the time to contemplate a bit.

Long story short, I recommend not comparing yourself to others, like people on a pink cloud, though people with long term sobriety who talk about how much better their lives are are my inspiration because they’re usually honest about the fact that it took work and it’s not always easy. I have a year and a bit over a month now and I can tell you it’s worth it to keep going.

Congrats on your 20 days…that is no small feat especially after drinking so heavily for so long. Honestly, even now I sometimes have to take things a day at a time, but it’s not every day like it was in the early days. Some days just suck and you put your head on your pillow sober and try again tomorrow. Stick around here, look into other ways you can support your recovery/sobriety, maybe that’s meetings (not for me), maybe that’s reading quit lit or listening to podcasts (more my jam), or maybe it’s getting help from a doctor with meds - there are lots of tools out there. I’m glad you have your wife’s support, that’s a big deal.

Hang in there.

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Thank you so much for all that. People do relapse but for me I’ve hurt my body so much I’m afraid I’ve only got 1 shot at this so I’m taking it very seriously. Like I’ve always loved music but now I can’t stand it cause my brain Relates it to drinking but books on tape type stuff has helped. It feels good to hear someone that’s been sober over a year say that it does get easier. Just being on this app and saying more than I probably should has helped or at least kept my mind busy lol I’m not a people person so meetings wouldn’t be for me either. It’s seriously like I stopped drinking and woke up sober in a life I didn’t really choose. I got lucky that even drunk I picked the right lady :sweat_smile: I couldn’t do it without her. She’s never even tasted alcohol tho so there’s only so much she’s able to understand. I’ve never drank alcohol for a reason. It’s just what you do. You wake up, guzzle 3 beers before you get out of bed, just to go mix a stronger drink to get the day started. I grew up in that and it was just a way of life and was never taught anything else. That’s why this is all so new to me. But again, thank you so much for taking the time to make a stranger feel better. It means more than you think.

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The cool thing about getting and staying sober, and working toward this idea of “recovery,” is that you have clear eyes to look at your life and decide what to do differently now. My friend Menno @Mno calls it a process of “discovery” because it’s not always about recovering something that was lost through our time spent using substances as a way of life or to cope with whatever, it can be a discovery of who we are now, who we want to become and what we envision for our lives. And then figuring out how to get there. Part of it is simply taking things day by day, but at some point you can start to take a longer view, bit by bit. I have to watch myself in this process because it can feel overwhelming and cause some anxiety, but it can also be exciting. The future is a lot more hopeful and full of possibility of you take alcohol out of the equation. At the bare minimum I look at how much money I’ve saved by not drinking! It’s huge!

I am glad you found some comfort from what I’ve said, I feel like I’m just rambling in thoughts about my own experiences but I do know that lonely feeling when it seems like other people have it all together and I feel like I’m on the fringes. Just know you’re headed in the right direction. Give that sweet wife of yours an extra hug - there is nothing quite like having a supportive partner in your corner. I am lucky to have one of those, too.

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Sobriety removes the consequences that alcohol abuse was causing for you ongoing. Anything past that requires different efforts in those aspects of your life.

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Hey there, one thing that really helped me was listening to Allen Cars easy way to stop drinking…helps alot with changing your minset about drinking, when youve drank as much for aslong as you have id say its totally normal for you to feel strange and like theres a big gaping hole in your life…what you have to do now is get to know yourself again sober…im pretty sure all the things you did well at drunk you can excel at sober with a clearer head but right now everything just feels wierd for you…ride it out and in the meantime get yourself a list together of things you like and enjoy doing and start doing them…eventually you might just find that your enjoying them once thw wierdness subsides…and it will. Good on you for choosing your health, you can do this just take it a day at a time

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Drinking in large quantities over a long period of time essentially rewires your brain. Alcohol replaces certain hormones so your brain no longer needs to make it on its own. When you stop drinking, that hormone, synthetic or natural, is no longer present in the quantity needed to function properly. The result is a ride on the struggle bus for several weeks to several months.

On top of that, you may be having the realization that alcohol was your identity and without it, you feel empty or blank. I know that you may question if it’s worth it, but it is.

This is all completely normal.

At this time, take it one day at a time. Better days are around the corner and so is the rest of your life. There will be plenty of time to discover who you are and what you’re all about.

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Yeah I hit the same wall months ago, but I realized drinking took away from me many things I loved that if I was drinking the way I was drinking I wouldn’t be doing now. Like running I love running in the crisp of morning when nobody is usually up I would never have done that while drinking I was too busy fighting a hangover, and puking, I love traveling the sight seeing, museums, different cultures, the food the food. I love the fact that I can get up everyday now healthy, and of sound mind not having to worry about shakes, panic attacks whether I’m going to make into work etc

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Keep it up!

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I was exactly where you are 561 days ago and to be honest some days just fucking blow. But I have a clear mind, no more DUI’s, no shakes, not wondering how I’m sneaking a bottle past my kids, and I’m learning to live with the demons in my head without being numb. You can do this!!

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I tried the 1 month quitting several times the last couple years. I found that if you stop and dont set a date for how long your quitting for makes it alot more easy.

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Life requires nothing more than survival. If you are still alive then you are a success in my opinion. I recommend not letting other people or whatever culture you are a part of dictate how you should feel and see yourself. Easier said then done I know but it really is your opinion of yourself and what others think that makes you feel that way. You are not a failure. You have great value.

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New mindset ,new way of living now maybe try a meeting plenty people there have been were you are now wish you well

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Hey there, I wanted to check in and see how you’re doing today. I’ve been clean and sober coming up on five years this January. For me, I did have an initial pink cloud. Once the initial shit of withdrawal faded (I was drinking everyday all day and using cocaine regularly by the end so my withdrawal sucked pretty bad)

I was left with a life I didn’t really know how to live. How was I going to fill my time? Every person I hung out with was no longer an option, every place I used to go to “unwind” was off limits. I was living by myself in the woods, so it got kinda lonely. There was definitely a relearning process. I had to figure out how to get to the end of the day and decompress without booze, talk to people without booze, live a life where I could feel my anxiety and notice my cyclical thoughts etc rather than drowning them.

I guess I still am navigating that to some degree. Most importantly I had to figure out how to find a way of being with myself that was supportive. Living with yourself sober, awake and feeling is brutal if you are cruel to yourself (which I was).

In the beginning, when everything felt like shit, it had to be enough that I just wasn’t drinking (and holyshit is it ever ENOUGH! HUGE congrats to you on 20 days sober❤️ I am proud to be here sober with you today).

The road back from actively killing myself was definitely not pretty, and a lot of times oblivion felt like an easier and more seductive choice (of course it did….I’m an alcoholic and an addict) but that’s just the thing of it…THATS THE SUPERPOWER: I am an alcoholic who, everyday, is choosing life over oblivion. And that? That is the win. That is what I can still after five years go to bed feeling ok about, even when life is throwing itself at me.

Your choosing life over oblivion. That is the win.:heart:

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How have you been tracking ? @OneDayAtATime11

Hi. Congrats for your sobriety. I had to learn again. Books, films, long walks, more family time… But it was a slow process. We are working progress. Keep on and you will see you can do it. One day at a time. God bless you

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