Hi Cam, I hear you brother. I hear your heart and your mind, so lost and confused by years and years of addiction. There are so many people here who have been through the same thing. You are not alone.
It is on minute, one hour, one day at a time. You need help. You need to find a group and seek help from them. Talking Sober is like a meeting in your pocket. Other groups:
https://virtual-na.org/
And there are many resources for readings and groups here:
Resources for our recovery
Your “addict brain” will try to play tricks on you. That sneaky f*cker will try to tell you “it’s time”, “just a bit won’t hurt”, “c’mon, you want some, what the hell”.
He’s wrong. He is lying right to your face. But you can beat it: you listen, and you let it flow right past you - like boats on a river. You are seated on the bank. You see the boats, you hear them. You do not have to get aboard. Let the thoughts pass. Let the feelings pass. They always do.
This, too, shall pass.
You may need medical support. I’m not sure what your drug is but some drugs are safest to recover from under the support of a medical doctor. If that’s the case, don’t hesitate to visit your doctor or the nearest clinic, and get the support you need.
This is your journey, your quest. You’re like Frodo trying to destroy the One Ring. You are on a quest where you have to press on, one step at a time, one day at a time, and never, ever give up. Have faith in yourself, brother. Have faith in your sober community, and in your doctor.
Take care brother - and keep checking in. Looking forward to seeing you around! 