50 Days Today (A Slightly Unhinged Rant)

I’m 50 days sober today. I feel good about it, I never thought I’d be here and somehow don’t really have any desire to start drinking again. Especially with how bad that first week sober was- I never want to feel like that again.

That being said, I’ve had so much other stuff happening. My relationship was rocky the first month sober but it’s back on track now after some good communication and vulnerability (yuck, feelings), my housing situation is up in the air because my landlord wants to sell the house, my job demands a lot of time (manager of a bar- I know that’s ironic), I’m in school as well and that’s been kicking my ass- I had a 4.0 for the last year (in active addiction, don’t ask how) and now its a possibility that I’m going to fail these classes I paid out of pocket for. and I can’t believe how much harder everything has become.

I’ve found bald spots on the back of my head which are consistent with alopecia… so I’m losing my hair due to stress, which was a pitiful realization, my skin looks terrible even though I am eating well and drinking plenty of water. I just don’t know how to relax.

This is all on top of being in the program, with a sponsor, working the steps, which I barely have time for. If I hear “you get out what you put in” one more time I’ll scream. I don’t have anything left to put in.

My boyfriend and friends are really supportive and I really like my sponsor. And I realize that I’m very lucky to have a support system like that, especially being an alcoholic. I still can’t seem to shake feeling really lonely.

I think I’ve always prided myself on self reliance and independence but as the kids say, I think I girl-bossed too close to the sun. I self relied all my feelings away and most days it’s hard to care about doing anything. I get my basics done, I’m clean and fed, I keep my animals well cared for, I go to work, I pay my bills.

I realize it’s an oxymoron to say “it’s hard to care about anything” and “I’m so stressed my hair is falling out” in the same post but that’s what my whole life feels like. I’m fighting between two crazy extremes and I have no happy medium.

Sorry this was so long. Every time I take a step back and look at it all, I feel like I want to quit life and spend every day on a beach in Mexico ya know?


Congratulations on 50 days! And wow, you have a lot going on!! I am sorry it is all so tough at the moment. Is there anything you could change to make it slightly easier? Maybe step back and look at it objectively?


Totally. That’s why the long term work of recovery is to build a life that you don’t want to or have to escape from. That is mostly fulfilling and not terrible to you.

You got time for that. It can’t happen in a few weeks anyway.

Well done on your 50d! Girl boss, yeah. For us it’s also important to learn how to let others in, when and whom, instead of always wanting to do it all ourselves. It’s a long journey, pal.

Some more inspiration and annoying wise words: Your #1 tip for sobriety (over 2 years sober)


Congrats on 50 days. I am 70 something days and have had similar mental struggles. I saw a doctor who said it takes about 6’months after quitting drinking for the brain to ‘recalibrate’. So please have patience with yourself. It’s hard feeling all the feelings we used to not feel due to alcohol. Give it some time and I hope things get better for you. I second the beach in Mexico part, save me a spot!