6 years. Day 2192.
Around milestones, I’ve found that things can get a little wonky. Today I woke up feeling like it’s just another day. Then I picked up my phone.
I had a beautiful note from @SassyRocks that I SO appreciated! Then I saw a message from my mom.
I saw in the news last night that 3 people were beaten pretty badly with a baseball bat a few towns over and it was drug related. I reached out to my sister, asking if that was her boyfriend’s area. As soon as I hit send, I got this gut feeling that it was actually his place. Mom confirmed this morning.
My sister is fine, she wasn’t there. But it was a stark reminder of the life I could easily have today.
6 years ago, my life was a mess. I was sick. My body was shutting down and couldn’t function properly. My life was miserable, chaotic, loud, messy, unstable and pretty friggen awful if I do say so myself. I was a horrid role model for the kids, I was not a good partner, friend, family member and even employee and business owner. I was miserable and my entire life revolved around booze.
On this day, I woke up sicker than ever and I knew I needed to change my life. I didn’t start out planning on not drinking forever. Or even thinking I was an alcoholic. I just knew I needed to get better.
So I connected with people here and started doing what it took to end my day sober, one day, one hour, one minute and even one second at a time. I connected with other alcoholics. The people here helped to save my life. I got to get a glimpse of recovery by working with others who were seeking sobriety too. And in connecting together, it really opened my eyes that I needed a change.
I realized there was literally not ONE good or true excuse to use. It was all bullshit my mind came up with to jusify my continuing to drink. “I need it to celebrate”…sure because drowning in poision is a GREAT way to celebrate something. Not. “I need it to sleep”…first, blacking out isnt actually sleeping and second, I was up all night using the bathroom, thinking I was going to vomit or because of the restless leg pain I’d obtained from drinking. Bullshit. “I need this to take away my stress”…Not knowing what I did the night before and going to work with booze still on my breath was actually stress INDUCING. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit And more bullshit I told myself to justify my drinking.
Drinking was normal for me and my family. It’s what we did for anything-because it was sunny, it was rainy, it was a good day, it was a bad day, or just because the day ended in “y” really. So to consider not drinking was the strangest concept to me.
Alcoholism killed my father when I was 13 and he was 45. And it killed his sister a few years later. I was heading down that same path even quicker than he walked it. I always swore I’d be nothing like him, but it turned out…I was just like him.
It took me talking to other alcoholics to figure that out. It took me connecting with others in recovery to see things more clearly. It took me being vulnerable about where I was at and being honest with others to get sober. I could never have done it on my own.
When I made it to 2 years sober out of basically sheer stubbornness, I could see I was repeating old patterns & mistakes. I distanced myself from people in life to stay sober. However, the new people that arrived may have had difference faces-yet the same old patterns repeated with them. I had unhealthy relationships, behaviors and no real healthy support in my life. I was finally able to see that I was the common denominator in everything… the only thing that was the same in every single situation I had, was me. And I didn’t know what to do.
So I prayed. I asked whoever was out there listening to show me the way because I didn’t know what to do or what I needed. This prayer changed my life.
The next morning, someone local that I hadn’t seen in 18 months reached out. I saw them at 4 AA meetings I went to when I was 4 months sober to support my girlfriend. I had no willingness to surrender to that at the time.
This person reached out and asked if I had any interest in attending AA Zoom meetings. I said nope, I sure as hell have not! 
The pandemic had just started. I just started working from home. I was completely isolated, and that is NO good for an alcoholic like myself…that’s where my addictions thrive.
I suddenly remembered my prayer and cry for help. And it arrived. I found myself telling this man before I evem realized what I was saying that I felt like I’d been missing something by never doing the steps but it seemed silly at 2 years sober to do them now. He said, “Mandi, I did mine at 18 months sober and I promise you-that changed my entire life”, so I agreed to join the meeting. He said he’d have his wife reach out and she was the exact person I saw in those 4 meetings I attended that I literally said if I ever worked the steps it would be with her.
It was too obvious that’s where I belonged. So, I surrended and went ALL in.
He was right, working the steps has changed my entire life too. I had to surrender my ego, thinking I knew what was best and had to become coachable. My ego didn’t like that at times, but I saw where my own best thinking got me. It was time to REALLY try something new. And man, that has helped me to change everything.
After I finished my steps, there were times I’d think-I’m good…I don’t need this program anymore. Ha! My higher power brought me IMMEDIATELY back. I definitely belong here.
I’ve discovered an entirely new way to live. But I had to let go of my old way of life, thinking I knew best or even that I could do this on my own. I can’t.
I need to keep working my program. I need to stay connected with other alcoholics. I need to keep living in the solutuion. I went a few weeks without meetings this past year and man, I could feel how it of alignment I was. It stops working if I stop working it. My emotional sobriety is SO important to retain my physical sobriety.
I was telling my partner this morning that I’m grateful to be an alcholic. He just looked at me, confused lol. Because I’m an alcoholic in recovery, I get to live a new way of life. I’ve discovered a new freedom, and a new happiness. I don’t regret my past nor wish to shut the door on it. I comprehend the word serenity and I know peace. The promises can come true if we let them.
So if you’re new, please stay. Reach out. Really try something new. I needed a change from the inside out and for me the step work is what really allows me to change everything.
I’m grateful for this site, for the incredible people here, for recovery, for a program and this entirety new way of life.
It’s been a wild ride these last 6 years, and I’m so thankful.
I just have to continue to remember that today is the only day that matters as I must continue to do whatever it takes to end my day sober because if not I’ll lose the gifts sobriety has given me. 
The first two pictures are from 6 years ago today and the rest are what my recovery looks like now. I’ll take that hot & sweaty red every day over the red face from my day 1.
Thank you all for being on my journey, I love you guys!!
I hope you’ve treated yourself to celebrate the milestone.
