Hey all, many of you may have seen me about posting pictures of my cat and generally appearing every so often on someone’s post.
I find communicating with others very difficult about my feelings and have always adopted the generic I’m a man I must do this on my own attitude which has been my downfall I feel.
I am 70 days without substance which I feel great for however another side of me is lingering in the background which feels like it’s breaking through.
After battling the addiction for 3 years i lost the love of my life and had to move away, this seems to be the part I’m struggling most with, the relationship was toxic through till the very end and I felt I was never allowed to say how I felt without danger of being penalised by her for the way I did, whether this is the case or just in my head I’m not even sure if anymore.
Yet I still miss her dearly and would do anything to be able to speak to her and see her again even as a friend, she blames me for everything and that has been circling my mind for a longtime now, and no matter how hard I try I can’t seem to shift it.
Don’t get me wrong I was no angel and my constant lies surrounding my addiction I feel brought this upon me and inhibited the toxicity even more so.
I am so sorry you are struggling. I do recognise you and Dennis, love seeing your photos of him.
I haven’t had your experience but just wanted to say that I am thinking of you. You speak really articulately about the situation and it sounds like you are going through a grieving process. You have been through a lot, particularly given moving away.
Wishing you (and Dennis) well. Hopefully someone will have some good advice.
Hi james i was in a similar situation to yourself i was with a functioning alcoholic for 5 yrs then i became a alcoholic it crept in so slowly i didnt even notice it ,by the end i was the blame of everything he was moody sent me to Coventry (wouldn’t talk)i tried to resolve things to talk things it but it was impossible when only one off you is willing to try ,in the end i walked ,was homeless for a yr went deeper a deeper into my addiction all the time missing him wondering why he wouldn’t even talk to me explain what went wrong ,that was 3 yrs ago since that time he has contacted me alway when he was drunk ,first i spoke to him then tried to talk about what went wrong still no answer after a few calls i changed my number ,then he started emailing me ,i knew to myself altho i did miss him or the person i thought he was i had to make sure to cut all contact or i wouldn’t be able to move on so blocked his emails to ,its only natural to mourn what you have lost if you really loved the person but im a firm believer in when its over its over for a reason sometimes it takes a while to make sense of it all but if you stick to what your doing (getting sober /clean)your life will get better and this time you will know what you want and dont want in a relationship, you will have a insight into making sure you dont enter a toxic relationship again ,because now i can look back the signs were all there at the start i just chose to ignore them ,now id rather be single than with someone who cant love me for me ,it takes time but you will get there
Thank you both for the kindness and advice with this.
I’m generally a very positive confident person but this has broken me, moving away with no friends to see or anything has made it a real struggle to find anyone likeminded who I can vent to.
I feel I am progressing towards a positive outcome and mindset but currently the bad days seem to overwhelm the good in some respects even though I’ve had more good than bad recently.
I have my little buddy Dennis, but if anyone toward Manchester could do with a slightly dysfunctional friend and likes cats let me know
I’m going to keep myself busy today with my 3D printing obsession and see how I go today.
Sounds like a confusing, painful tangle of emotions.
I haven’t experienced the same as you, but whatever the situation, there are two important themes.
70 days is fan-bloody-tastic, but still early enough that focussing on you and your sobriety is most important.
And feelings have to be sat with and felt. Hard as it is.
I have no advice but I send you hugs
Take it one day at a time, from minute to minute. Also struggles and grief will pass, be kind to yourself, you deserve a peaceful life, also on rainy days. Come here to vent as much as you need
And give Dennis a pet from me
You and Dennis sound great. I wish I was closer but we are in Herts. Although, in American terms that is probably down the road
It sounds like you are making great progress and doing so well. Are you working? Able to meet new people at a club/hobby? Keep talking here, everyone seems so friendly. Hope today has been a better day.
Hi Jenny, I am working, fortunately my company let me keep my job, the only issue being is my ex also works there and I have to talk to her everyday!
I currently don’t belong to any clubs and I don’t know a single soul up here bar my dad who I now live with
I find myself wondering how I genuinely meet people these days, part of me has become so reclusive as a result of being love bombed then dumped on my head by my ex.
Yesterday was probably the worst I’ve had in a while in all honesty but I’m hoping today will be
Oh no, hope today is better. Can you get out into the sunshine for a bit?
Bad news about your ex and the daily contact, sounds like a nightmare! I have been love bombed in the past and know that it means every part of your life has reminders of that person. They completely overwhelm your mind. You have made such a brave decision to break away.
I have no idea how people meet people, although talking here is very easy. It is so easy once you have kids as you are forced into lots of social circles (not always willingly ) People have had great success with meetings, maybe try that? Or take up a hobby? I always fancied joining a climbing group but that is for fantasy Jenny as in reality probably wouldn’t get 2 feet off the ground There are lots of social meet ups around here, usually aimed at single people, could you try that?
Having said all of that, if you just need to take your time in recovery before reaching out too much, then that is ok too. Take care of yourself.
Weird. That’s almost exactly my situation, down to the number of sober days.
I currently have 69 days sober and have been struggling for a few weeks now. When my long term relationship ended 7 months ago, I also moved away. I moved to a new state where I didn’t know anyone.
I don’t really have advice because I’m in the same spot. But, what has been helping me is being active on here and joining a local AA group.
I love seeing your posts (I’m still Dennis’s #1 fan ) I hope things get easier for you soon
hello my friend, your story is very similar to mine, I would only add some details, I really couldn’t advise or suggest anything to you because one of the obstacles in my peace of mind is my emotional dependency. I’m sure I know what you feel, I send you a big hug friend, I know what it’s like not to tell your ex-partner everything you feel, even knowing that we did a lot of damage due to our addiction, in this high and low of emotions of good weeks bad months dark days motivated days the only thing that has healed me is talking about what I feel in my group meetings, releasing a little weight by talking about it, because when I talk about it I recognize who I am, being honest with my fears, with my sadness with my ego. Although many times we stop for not hurting, getting rid of what we feel helps us through the pain and strengthens us to know how to manage our emotions, my sponsor tells me the human body naturally needs to go to the bathroom at least once a day, if you do not go to the bathroom your body starts to feel bad resisting the urge to go to the bathroom is torture, you can’t keep shit in your intestines it can cause a strong infection, and it can be very serious. you need to alleviate by discharging in the bathroom what your body does not need. Likewise, it is with negative thoughts that it hurts us, there are times when we fill a backpack with emotional weight, frustration and carry it everywhere, today you spit out your shit and I am sure that this helps you to be better, do it daily just like your body needs to go to the bathroom your mind needs to detox from shitty thoughts. It is what helps me and to be grateful for what is given to me today. exercising, eating healthy, sleeping well seems like a cliché but it has worked for me.
I am trying but the overwhelming feeling to text her has taken over which I know I need to stop and isn’t healthy, I just feel like I need to know why someone who claimed to love me just walked away strung me along for a month then disappeared without so much as a care.
I understand she probably has a lot of healing and she had her closure by pushing the entirety of the blame on me but I don’t feel I’m ever going to be ready for that at this stage.
Trying to keep my busy only seems to help some of the time now and not only that I’m her boss, I walked on broken glass around her whilst we were together and now I feel it’s the same but in every aspect of my life
I don’t wish to ruin my career as it’s deeply important to me but I’m struggling to find ways short of being signed off !
I find my self talking to people just to keep myself busy but this is bad as I feel like I’m a burden and I require a babysitter!
I imagine it’s extra difficult because you still see her at work.
I understand the urge to text her. My ex and I texted on and off for the first 6 months. Now, we haven’t spoken in 2 months and not sure if we will again.
Hang in there!! Keeping yourself busy is good Pet dennis for me
Only thing I can add, is make the best version of you! The only person responsible for your happiness is you, much like the only person that can truly defeat your addiction is you. Believe me, we all have loved here, and been exactly where you are.
I guess, the key message here is: learn to Love and forgive yourself. No matter how hard you try, you can never change the past. However, you can directly effect the present and prepare for the future with back up plans. Just make one goal tomorrow, and write it down. It can be as simple as making your bed. The next day, make two goals. Slowly gain your confidence back and find your identity w/out your X.
Keep your head on straight, and you’ll start to see changes in your mood, attitude and outlook!
Thank you
Luckily I work remotely now after moving away but it’s still difficult, it certainly doesn’t help not having many people to talk to after upping roots
@Shattered_dreams thank you, I am trying but it’s difficult to keep up the smile at the minute I’m sure with time I’ll be able to cope or indeed move on
I would say journaling or talking to others about how your feeling is good like your doing here. I can relate to losing loved ones, family members, the past few years ive lost several people that meant alot to me i never really say too much about. Its tough but ive just come to accept that death is a part of life and i cant always choose how long people may be apart of my life. Its ok to cry i dont hold back tears when i need to completely feel the emotions, i use to think i was some kind of tough guy because i didnt cry, probably just all the drugs and i couldnt really feel empathy, the disassociated feeling. Loosing someone you love is alot like recovering from substance abuse we just have to take it easy a day at a time and work through the emotions that come and go. I think of the time i was able to have and try to carry on. One day at a time. Picking back up our addictions wont bring them back. Glad you come here and vent you frustrations, great job on 70days clean keep up the good work!
So I finally thought I came to the end of how I felt unfortunately she wouldn’t let that happen and she moved on, now to anyone else including me that is of no issue or concern, my addiction caused a lot of harm which I took responsibility for, but she’d never take any for what she did to me.
However she got her new partner to call me to tell me which angered me to a point I’ve never been before.
She then called me the day after to make herself feel better so she could “explain” , I didn’t allow her to speak and I put the phone down.
What makes this worse is it’s the guy she was talking to in our first year together so I’ve no doubt now he was always there
My therapist (yes I have that) has talked me through it and made me realise she ended up being my trigger to the abuse I caused my body and mind. I don’t throw around the word narcissist lightly and until therapy I didn’t realise how severe it could be or what it meant truly
She still haunts me where she can, even at work and it’s a struggle to break away again.
I’m still going strong but slowly feel myself crumbling into a pit I’ve only just seen the edge of.
I’ve no friends here or people I know where I live now which makes this difficult. I feel guilty for speaking to anyone on a dating app, and the last person to compliment me I blocked because it frightened me.
It’s dramatic I know but i felt I could vent here without judgement and know that some have been in those dark places.
If anybody wants a texting or Snapchat buddy do let me know !
I am so sorry to hear about this hard emotional time you’re going through now. It is so tough to lose a space that is important to us (in this case, the “space” you’ve lost is the relationship).
We grieve that loss. You are grieving. It is no different from losing, for example, a job or another project that you’ve worked on for years. It doesn’t matter whether the job was dysfunctional; the fact of being thrown out is painful, even agonizing.
I get this. I haven’t been in your exact situation but this sentiment is one I have felt before.
It’s a process and it takes time; but I promise you it does pass. What you need to do is take this as a time to start digging into your feelings and your thoughts. The last time I felt like you are describing here, I decided to start going to see a therapist. I had to budget for it and it was tough, but it was helpful, very helpful, to have that objective viewpoint. (To save money I got therapy from a clinic that had interns - PhD psychology students training to be therapists - and you could get sessions with them for a lower price. I found it helpful. They’re not quite as experienced as full therapists but they are still a useful help, in getting the ideas out and unpacking them.)
In the meantime keep sharing here. You’re a good person, and your behaviour in the past has at too many times been shitty - that’s true - but you are making a choice in your present, to stay grounded and be constructive. That is a right choice and it will bear good fruit.
Just keep walking forward and ask yourself, “what’s the next right thing?” then ask for advice if you’d like and take it one step at a time.
There are lots of social meet ups around here, usually aimed at single people, could you try that?
Pet dennis for me 
