You’re not pathetic Jan, congrats on your 700 days! Be proud, don’t minimize it!
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Someone I knew in a previous life died today. When I knew him, he was terminally ill. Brain tumors. I didn’t have much contact with him over the last few years, but his tumors were in remission. Through some miracle, he was going to live. But he decided to keep himself safe and he took the COVID vaccine. This triggered the tumors. He died within 2 months.
I’m not saying this because I’m against the vaccine. I know that this was an anomaly. I am still pro vaccination. This isn’t meant to be some political post. I just had to write this down as I don’t know how I feel. I’m repressing. The sad thing is, he reached out to me a few weeks ago by making a group chat with friends of his. He had told he was dying according to the doctor’s, but he was going to keep fighting. I read it, but didn’t respond because I didn’t know what to say and didn’t want to think about it. Now he’s dead and I will never be able to say goodbye to him. I feel very guilty. I wish I would’ve said something. I wish I had done more than just game with him. Or that he didn’t add me to that group chat in the first place. I hadn’t thought about him in about a year and then he all of a sudden announces he’s dying.
I feel like I’ve exploited him for gaming. I am disgusted by past me. But it seems he did care about me and did not feel exploited otherwise he wouldn’t have added me to his group chat.
R.I.P. Jeroen 23/01/1989-31/10/2021. You were too young to die my friend. You will be missed.
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This is a beautiful tribute you’ve written about him. I’m so sorry he died. Do not feel guilty. Remember the time(s) that you did have with him and know that you made a difference in his life and he in yours. RIP Jeroen, you were too young to die. You were cared for and loved. Take care @anon57836609 Thinking about you, his other friends and family.
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Hi Jan, I am sorry that your friend had to go too soon. It is hard to go through these feelings of I should have done this and that. Sadly we cannot change this. I think your feelings are valid. Let them pass. They will pass. Big hugs, Franzi
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I hope you don’t mind me writing something done from the book I am currently reading on feelings. I never saw it like things so I just wanted to share. I was seeing that there are two sides : thought to feelings and feelings to thought. Now she explains with good examples how our interpretation of things will create the feelings. 5 feelings there are: happy, sad, anger, shame and anxiety which she translates to 5 sentences. This is good. This is wrong but I cannot change it. This is false. I am wrong and this is ‘furchtbar’ so we don’t know the outcome.
Now, I somehow lost where I wanted to go with my writing. Maybe changing the interpretation to it is sad and I cannot change it so you can grief. And let go.
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Hi Patty. I’m doing mediocre. I have a lot of mood swings. It’s either sad and close to idealising death or numb happiness. But mostly the first. I’ve been in active addiction the last few weeks/months, so that’s messing with my head. I have a general feeling of disappointment. I can’t seem to find the motivation to resist my addiction. And my EMDR keeps getting cancelled constantly as well, very annoying… But I did meet with my addiction counsellor today. I’m starting to understand his views more and more. And I’m going to take another shot at recovery starting on Saturday.
The finals went really well. I had a 92%/9.3 on my Dutch test. An 81%/8.3 on my German test. A 78%/8.0 on English. 86%/8.8 on Spanish. And pretty good grades on geography and history. Mathematics and physics went bad though. I had 8%/1.7 on mathematics and 32%/3.9 on physics. I get to retake those though, so that’s good.
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No judgement Jan, do not be so hard on yourself. Start new and make a list of what happened to get you back in that place and once you hit that reset use that as your tools to get to that place again. One day at a time, one minute, 1 second whatever it takes. You know we are all here for you!
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You are not pathetic, you are human.
I spent decades substituting one addiction for another and digging a really humongous hole for myself. And here you are so very far ahead of so many people who are clueless about their consumption of games, substances, technology, etc.
In my book, you have so much to be proud of … tho you feel how you feel.
I also spent decades hating myself and it saddens me to see this in you. I hope your new diagnosis helps you find some peace and healing. You deserve a happy healthy life.
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I get to retake my physics test in a little more than an hour. I almost fell asleep studying. I can barely concentrate on the matter. And it’s a hard chapter.
I’m pretty worried, but hoping my mind won’t leave me during the test like it tends to do when making hard tests.
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Fingers crossed. You can do it! You know: Mut zur Lücke.
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I fell asleep… Oops… I had to sprint to my busstop and I’ll have to run from my busstop to my school. Yay
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I think I didn’t fuck up my retake. I actually think it went really good… Which isn’t saying much as I’ve felt really good about tests that resulted in 33%/D/4.0. But I did spent a long time on the test instead of making it as quickly as possible. We’ll see.
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Why is life such an ass sometimes. Less than a week ago I heard someone had died. Today I heard that my mom’s boyfriend who has COVID is coughing up blood. He was antivax even though I told him that there’s a very small chance of getting really ill. There’s a much bigger chance of contracting COVID and getting really ill. Which he is now. I hope he doesn’t get too ill. I’m mentally fucked up enough as it is
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Sorry to hear about your mom’s boyfriend. I’ll keep him in my thoughts and prayers. My 30 yr old nephew who’s also antivax is in the hospital with covid fighting for his life. The serenity prayer is helping me. Sending you big hugs. 
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I’m sorry to hear this Jan, I’ll keep you all in my thoughts.
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I just had possible the most important EMDR session. It was about the subject that makes me hate myself most. It went really well. I feel like I’m not completely hopeless. I actually believe that I’m good enough. I even started crying because it had been so long since I thought I am good enough. This feeling probably won’t last long, but if I keep going to therapy, it might last longer each time.
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That sounds great! And I think it’s such a valuable thing to know that it is possible even if it won’t stay long at first. Change is possible. Baby steps. 
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It’s so good to hear that, I’m really happy for you.
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November 27th 2021. 2 years gaming free. Like always during anniversaries I feel like shit. Spent the entire morning watching TV. I’m in quarantine. Feeling like I’ve accomplished very little. I’m gonna have to cancel Netflix for sure. I’m considering going to rehab again during summer break if shit doesn’t get better. Not willing to put the energy into it though. I’m experiencing tons of stress from school. I’ve got a lot of assignments with tight deadlines and no one is putting any work into those assignments. It’s all on me which sucks. I’ve also got a chemistry test in 2 days. I had an F on the same test last year. Once again feel like there’s no hope. The government wants me tested before I get my driver’s license because of my autism and ADHD. With murder, it’s innocent until proven guilty. With mental illnesses, it’s heavily disabled until proven functioning. I was supposed to get tested today, but quarantine. I’m sad.
Happy 2 years 
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Keep your head up Jan, 2 years is amazing!! That’s a huge accomplishment. Try to focus on the positives instead of the negatives 
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