It’s 11:39 here and I’m already off school. For some reason I was already incredibly hungry whilst I’m never hungry before noon. Should have taken some sandwiches with me, but I thought that I wouldn’t need it since I would get out off school at 11:15. I had a bigger breakfast than usual. Went to burger king, but it was closed. Went to another shop and bought most food I could buy for the least money. I feel like I failed, but there’s actually a big win. For the first time in ages I actually tried to spend the least amount possible instead of instantly wasting €15.
I’ve learned a lesson though, from now on I should always take lunch with me.
This afternoon I will go for a run. The weather is beautiful and I’ll be home 12:15 already.
I will also play monopoly with my sister using 2 different games and sitting over 3 meters/10 feet apart. She will wear a mask and disinfect everything she touches.
I really surprised myself today. I went for a run and decide to follow up on @Mephistopheles ’ suggestion to do a low heart rate run. I managed to run 5,7 km without taking a break or walking which is a new record and I found it really easy.
Got out of bed very early to call work saying that my sister probably has corona, so I cant come to work.
Did homework. Spend a lot of time on the forum and really looking forward to being at the start of a saturday meeting for the first time in ages
Hope your sister feels better soon. Have you or your mom shown any signs of corona? My 2 sisters had it and the most annoying part was no taste or smell that lasted over 2 weeks.
Discovered that the earlier mentioned headache are possibly sugar withdrawal. It’s not like I eat or drink much sugar on purpose. I eaat and drink what’s at my disposal. My mom did not buy sugar filled drinks and I drank a lot of homemade banana milkshakes and fruit water with barely any sugar. Might look into my sugar use. Meeting was great, but a wee bit silent. At the end I got some great advice from @Conor689908 conor concerning routine and I had a moment of realisation when I discovered I often avoid tasks/exercises because I’m scared I will let myself or others down if I don’t do it perfect. I did not expect this need of perfection and fear if disappointment 290 days into recovery. But now I can work on it and deal with underlying problems even more. Now time to sleep as it is 1:53AM and I’m tired…
I feel where you’re coming from regarding perfectionism. I’ve struggled with the same thing and being afraid to “fail” or “do it wrong”.
So I’d avoid it.
If we really want to pursue something I think it’s better to make imperfect progress than to never start at all. But also don’t feel a pressure to pursue an activity out of obligation.
I realized I have a big ego. I rarely ask for help and rarely take advice. My way is best. I can do this myself. But I fucking can’t and I’ve proved that to myself plenty of times. I’m an embarrassment compared to the guy I was in rehab. I’m deteriorating and slowly making my way back to my old ways.
I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t stop procrastinating. I think my last few cross-addictions all had a good foundation due to my chronic procrastination.
Last night I was praying. I begged God to help me make a difference. I expressed my growing doubts because to me it seems it doesn’t matter how much I beg, He won’t help me. I looked at the sky and saw the most beautiful falling star I’ve ever seen. It was slow and took way longer than usual to disappear. All above my little window that covers 2% of the sky. No fucking way that that’s a coincidence. I knew that that was a sign that he’s there for me. It gave me hope and strength.
Today didn’t start off great, but I still have plenty of hours in this day. I can still make this day a good day.
Keep praying my friend. Things happen in Gods time not ours. As much as we think we know what’s best and when we want it, we are never right. I bet the star was an awesome sight. Keep praying and when things look their worst, pray harder. Keeping you and your family in my prayers😁
God is not apart from you, Jan. You have the God, the Universal Divine in you. The spiritual energy that makes us alive connects us to everyone and everything that is now living, will someday be, and ever has been. My life today is a point in the mult-dimensional fabric of space, time, and energy.
Thinking about gods this way helps me to reduce my ego mania, it deflates my pride. I find my proper place in relation to the Divine Eternal.
Jan, you perform a needed and welcome service for your fellow addicts when you share so honestly. I will tell you to take it easy on yourself, focus on the fact that everything is going to be alright, and you might have only a small role in making that come about. You need not berate yourself for failure. You are okay right now in this moment. Look for ways to be grateful and ways to help others and your own problems will vanish.
I know this from my own experience. My life was so out of my control! And I thought by power of will that I could bend the forces of fate to suit my egotistical desires. But I had just what I needed and enough to keep my sober for one more day.
Please go easy on yourself. You are doing enough. All is well and all shall be well.
