I’m scared. I’m scared people don’t want to see me on the forum anymore. I’m scared people judge me, which is justified, but no less painful. I’m scared of myself. But I will push through these times, with God by my side and Piet, whose forgiveness I don’t deserve, in my lap.
I won’t just push through these times. I’ll thrive
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Hi Jan, we are certainly here for you. Would hate to see you leave.
Yes, I’ll admit it was hard to read what you wrote, also because it’s hard to see you (or anyone else here for that matter) struggle hard. And I can only speak for myself, but for me it doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t want to see you here anymore. You are also worthy of recovery. Your life matters.
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Thank you for your honesty and openness Jan, especially after such a time you’ve just had. It speaks volumes of your wisdom and honesty 
Those are valuable character traits.
I think it would be a bad decision to take down a part of your support network by leaving the forum. I’m guessing you’re feeling ashamed in the face of what you did. It was a difficult read since I have a really soft spot for cats and dogs and most other animals. Personally I can say I forgive you, whether or not you have a need for it.
Stay here, stay connected and get that punching bag 
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That means the world to me
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I feel like this is a pretty unjudgey place, certainly I will aim to understand not judge. U are young, plenty of people make mistakes when young, and u are reaching self-understanding at a time when I know I was floundering. Keep working on urself, that is all any of us do here.
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Please don’t be scared Jan. I’m here for you and I would hate to see you leave this forum. Sending you a big mama hug.
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December 3rd 2020
I’m feeling a lot better. All the pieces are falling together. This morning I had the perform a jazz song during music class. I humiliated myself, that’s how bad it was. Did it affect my self-esteem? Nope. Was it hilarious? Yup.
Also had a Spanish test just now and I’m feeling really confident. Never felt so confident about a test before.
I know it’s probably a pink cloud and that it will likely go away sooner or later, but I don’t mind it being here for now
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Happy to hear man your doing great thats the way to do it ! 
you got this Crazy Dutchie !!!
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In the Netherlands it’s mandatory to use shopping carts and wear masks whilst at the grocery store. Tonight I was supposed to be the one to clean and supply those carts and tell everyone that a mask is mandatory. About 30 minutes in, a guy walked straight past me whilst telling me he just needed to grab some “drinks”.
He completely ignored me. Instead of letting him walk over me, I grabbed the nearest clean shopping cart. Went to the “drinks” and gave him the cart. He yelled godammit, which is basically the worst thing you can say in the Netherlands, and called me an “IDIOT!!!”. Then I walked away to prevent a pile up of dirty carts.
I could have become angry. I could have doubted myself. Could have been sad. Instead I thought to myself. This man is ill. He can’t change or does not want to change and I accept that. In his state his words of irrational anger mean nothing.
After an hour or so, I was told to go to the stockroom. I was confused as I was mentally prepared to clean carts all evening. For some reason I had to stock. For those who don’t know yet, I have autism. For me that did not compute. My brain went blank and I had a huge error. Did I show my annoyance? No. Did I simply do as instructed? Yes. Did that pay off? Most certainly.
After about half an hour a “manager” walked by.
I asked him why I suddenly had to stock. He told me he had replaced me with someone who was bad at her work and that he’d rather have a bad employee at the door and have a good one stocking the store. Then I informed him that I had autism and asked him to communicate with me next time and he said sure. Also improved my bond with him. As he walked away I realized that he complemented me probably without even intending to as he probably intended to state facts. It made my day even better since my work performance is one of my greater insecurities.
Would this have happened if I had become upset at him? Unlikely.
I also decided to show initiative by asking my boss if there was a possibility for me to learn more skills and he said he’s gonna think about it. Which is better than a no.
If you’re still reading this, thanks. And yes, I need to learn to be to the point lol
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That’s some amazing progress right there. You handled that situation perfect. I’m really proud of you and I sure hope you’re proud of yourself.
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January 15th 2021
Tonight was the first night in ages that I did not watch series. I’m feeling good about it. I have an English test today. I’ve gotta cycle 15km to school in very cold weather for a single 45 minute test. Inconvenient, but it’ll keep me from wasting my time watching series.
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Hi Jan,
It;s good to see you back here. I hope all is well. 
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You’re back!! Glad to see you again, I hope everything is going well.
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Welcome home 
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Hey Jan, hope you were satisfied with your test and great that you took your bike. I also bike or walk whenever possible. Gives me time to think, settle and pass some time. Have a good weekend!
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January 18th 2021
I had a physics test today. I barely did any studying, but I’m pretty sure I’ll get a passing grade somehow.
Also just called rehab, they will call me back today
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Great! I’m sure you would be right about your exam if you have a sense for it. I hope your call with rehab goes well.
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You need to study mister…
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Yes, I’m well aware. My addict brain and self sabotaging brain disagrees though. I really need to turn my life around if I want to finish this school year