She fucking forgot. My mentor forgot. I sat at my pc for 2 fucking hours because I didn’t want to miss the call and she fucking forgot. Son of a *****
1 Like
January 29th 2020
Today wasn’t great. I woke up. Followed online classes. Looked at TS and thats it. Im happy i have to work in an hour so my day wont be complete shite
3 Likes
Great day for you! Being productive helps keep us away from the things we need to keep away from.
1 Like
February 2nd 2021
It’s time I check in here again. So far today has been mediocre. I had online math class early this morning, but barely listened as I was tired AF. The next 3 hours I don’t recall anymore somehow, but I know it was behind a screen. It’s kinda weirding me out. WTF!?!?!?. Anyways. This afternoon I started working on my first ever weekly schedule. I hope this will bring some structure in my life. Now time for some yoga’
4 Likes
Yes, but Ive got that taken care of. I will go to bed at 11pm on Saturday. 10pm on zoom days. 9pm on other days
1 Like
February 3rd 2021
I’ve started this morning 2 hours later than planned, but that’s understandable if you suddenly want to get up at 6am everyday. I have been deleting accounts of recreational sites. When I arrived at my youtube channel I discovered that I had my first ever fan a month ago. He was complimenting all of my videos and asked if I could game with me. That was really painful. I really wanted to feel the joy of gaming with someone else again. I’m craving so badly. I’ll stop deleting my accounts for now as I don’t want to increase my cravings.
2 Likes
Fuck!!! That was hard. I had to delete it anyways as I could feel myself getting sucked in quick. I downloaded 2 games to make sure all accounts were actually removed. They were, so now I’m sure deleting facebook actually deleted all my gaming accounts. And I deleted those games as soon as I had confirmation that the accounts were deleted
7 Likes
Well done. Every choice you make to support your sobriety and recovery, despite how you feel about it at the time, is gaining more ground for healthy and balanced life in the future. Proud of you young man.
1 Like
Well done Jan,
Pain but necessary as you continue to move on. It is an inspiration to see you take big strides! 
3 Likes
Thanks Olivia 
1 Like
Thanks Graham
I am glad I have to work from 1pm until 9pm. I’m not craving now, but I do think there’s a chance it wil return sooner or later.
1 Like
It probably will. Sounds like you will be ready!!
1 Like
February 7th 2021
I think I’m feeling miserable again. I find it very hard to feel unless it’s a really strong feeling. When I do mindfulness, I only feel peace. I think my relapse took a huge tole on my mindset. I also think I’m very conflicted about my future. My heart says, drop out of school and chase your dreams. But part of my head says, go for security. Have a miserable but secure life. Finish school eventhough it makes you miserable and then go to university for an additional 5-10 years of suffering so that you can land a job.
I’ve just gone and muted the just for fun category to make using TS safer
3 Likes
The future part isn’t something new, that has been ongoing for months already.
2 Likes
Give yourself a break:-) All of lifes lessons happen day by day, the pressures that face our young adults can be very overwhelming. Security could be magical and dropping out could be a dud. Regardless, of what your future ends up being, today just focus on you. We are not perfect, we will make a ton of mistakes…and that is ok. Dont jump to far ahead Jan… You have lots of moments right now to experience first. IMO☺️
2 Likes
I could always finish school and than follow my dreams after that with security in life… I really need to get my shit together, but once I do, I think school will be maybe not as miserable and I guess maybe survivable. Tomorrow I’ll have another attempt at implementing structure hoping It’ll help me and give me hapiness
3 Likes
Thanks André
I just got ready for a 10k run through snow and indoor work-outs after that
1 Like
February 8th 2021
Today was a pretty good day. I overslept by 2 hours messing up my schedule, but I adapted. My sponsor was supposed to call me today, but he didn’t. And when I called him, he didn’t pick up. It maybe time I get a new sponsor. I meant to do some homework today, but had a snow fight with my brother instead as it is very rare that there’s enough snow here to do that. Work got cancelled because the stock didn’t arrive. Also messed up mu schedule, but adapted somewhat. I watched a movie, which I don’t necessarily consider a relapse. I see it as a relapse when it’s boundary crossing behaviour and 1 movie doesnt cross the boundary of 1 movie every day or every other day. This evening I had a good work-out session. First a 5k run through the snow. Then 45 minutes of power work-outs and cleaning my shoes afterwards, because the snow wasn’t as clean as I thought…
5 Likes
Sounds like you had a good day even if it didn’t quite go as planned. Well done in being flexible with changes and not getting caught in them. If 1 movie is your limit then no, you didn’t relapse. Good that you can find and acknowledge positives in your day. Proud of you young man!
1 Like