I’m in a pretty big relapse, proving myself once again that moderation is a fucking joke. The voice saying: “I want to kill myself” is back. And I just realized that the voice is English instead of Dutch or Frysian. So I told it to fuck off with its attention seeking self-pity. “I’m so sad, I can’t stop watching TV 
” “Shut up you fucking baby, you don’t want to stop watching in the first place”. “I will never be normal”, “Your idea of normal is living in a fantasy world, maybe focus on the real world.”
Self-pity is dangerous
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Hey Jan. Gosh, I wish I could offer some wise words. How’s your therapy going?
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We’re still in the intake phase, so so far it hasn’t really helped yet
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Yeah, it’s gonna take some time and although it’s hard it’s still ok. You’ve held yourself together this far, you’re gonna be stable enough go through a therapy process.
What’s been nice about your Sunday?
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I’ve been rearranging some of my Lego sets, and my best friend is over
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It’s day 1 for me 
Apparently, a disney plus subscription last 4 weeks instead of a month. And disney plus actually cancelled this time. I discovered it 3 minutes ago and almost clicked renew, but I didn’t. Time to kick this addiction’s ass
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Congrats on day 1!!! Well done for not clicking!!!
I unsubscribed my Netflix today 
I want to connect with people in real life when I can. Fuck addictions and fuck covid!!!
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Yes, absolutely. I’m so happy that here, masks are no longer mandatory except for in public transit 
.
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I’ve been craving gaming a lot lately. I want to play Minecraft. I want to play GTA Online. I want to experience the nostalgia. I want to do what has been such a big part of my life. My head is telling me I can moderate. Yet for some reason, I can ignore all those things. I have cried in bed in my very early recovery, but I didn’t game. It’s as if I have unlimited resolve.
But I barely have any resolve when it comes to TV 
But I’m not giving up. I’m just gonna continue fighting and possibly disappoint myself over and over again. Because recovery is worth the fight. I think. I’ve never been without TV long enough to tell 
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Maybe bc you’ve been struggling so much with tv, it’s leaking into gaming addiction too? Kinda stirring that area? Idk.
I’d like to suggest something you maybe already know. My therapist told me to do this when I get urges:
Instead of fighting your urges and thoughts, take a step back and observe them from a safe distance. “Huh. I feel like gaming. Hmm. Ok, this is what I feel. It will pass. I don’t need to game. I’ll just let that thought go.”
I’m still learning. I have friends who say this works. Maybe it might help you too, maybe not. Anyway, all the best Jan! You are a bright young man.
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It works indeed, taking another perspective, like stepping outside of you and explain to you what you are feeling atm. Creating a distance. Although I think it’s good to practice first when you are a bit relaxed.
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I’ve tried it, it kinda worked. With some more practice, it’ll probably be a great tool, thanks
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My school wants to get rid of me it seems. I want to continue going to that school until I’ve earned my diploma for the highest level of education. If all had gone according to plan, I’d be getting that diploma in a week. But shit didn’t go according to plan as I preferred gaming to school and later I preferred TV to school. Now I’m getting my diploma for a level lower next week. To get the diploma I want, I need to stay in high school for 2 more years. I’ll be 20 when I leave it when the usual maximum age is 18. That is a sacrifice I’m willing to take and a sacrifice I’ve accepted. But now they want me to look into another school where I can get the same diploma in 1 year. It’s obviously the better choice. But I’m reluctant as my current school has been the only thing that hasn’t been unstable in the last six years, besides living with my mom. I don’t want to start all over again. I’m just looking for excuses not to go. I’m pretty sure it’s best to have a stable environment when fresh in therapy.
But I suppose I need to have an open mind to stuff.
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And so will you
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Another clean day has passed. Could have been worse.
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How are you doing, Jan?
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I have already signed up to that school, so that I can have an intake. If I don’t like, I’ll sign out and stay at my current school.
If I do it in one year, I’ll have certificates for six subjects, if I do it in two, I’ll have certificates for thirteen subjects. And my current school has computer studies whilst the “new” school doesn’t, which is very inconvenient as I want to do something with ICT in the future.
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I’m doing pretty good, I’m just making sure I work as much as possible to avoid being alone with my TV constantly… and of course the money is fun too
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Is je school dan nog arround the hoekschop 
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