AA advice please and me, sharing...or rambling rather

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Since joining this forum (this is my 2nd time around) I’ve learnt a lot! I’ve gained so much knowledge and truly amazing kind, caring advice, support and wisdom from the many wonderful ppl that frequent here :blush:
It’s here that I’ve learned much about AA and how it is helping so many ppl. And I feel like I really want to go. I think It would be good for me. Although, I’m nervous as I’m not sure I’d be welcomed or fit in… Can anyone go to AA?
I’m not really an alcoholic, at least I don’t think I am… I don’t crave alcohol, never have like on a daily basis or anything. But I KNOW I do have Alcohol Use Disorder. I don’t believe I’d even be here on TS if I didn’t! It’s why I’m here. I have an unhealthy and unhappy relationship with alcohol. When I would drink, which was usually social gatherings, weekends etc a lot of the time I’d end up drinking much more than I intended, too much, and then the following days and weeks would be filled with SO much darkness, depression, despair, anxiety - sometimes to a point where I would just want to run away or not be here anymore. I would wake up the next day screaming in pain, begging for my life to be over, for help, for anything so I could escape the pain and the shame I felt. This is why I know, for me, I am better off not drinking. It’s not worth it. I’m so much more capable and competent and generally pretty grateful for my life and the blessings in it when sober. Sober life really does equal my best life, a life filled with more joy, determination, enthusiasm. Waking up (most days) feeling good, like I CAN cope is amazing in comparison to the hangover and end of world doom I’d feel after drinking. Sometimes I would be in control when I would drink/go out, other times… definitely not. I would become black out drunk. But I then wouldn’t do it again for ages (because mentally I couldn’t).
Now, I fear, as I build up more sobriety time, that I will lose my way… as thoughts keep creeping back in, doubts in myself and how I will live THE REST OF MY LIFE sober…??? I keep thinking of future events and if I’ll end up drinking again. I don’t want to! But as the days go on, I feel like my mind will eventually buy into its own excuses. I keep reasoning drinking like its not a big deal and I’m making it into something it’s not.
BUT … I can’t bear the thought to start this all over again, the drinking, then the depression, then the struggle to get back to where I am now. which of course I’ll have to. the alternative is just sooo horrible. I don’t want that self-hatred back. Drinking does that to me, I KNOW this. But is this the type of thing AA will help me with?? Or will I be judged because I’m not a person addicted to drinking everyday who couldn’t control that? I don’t want to feel “out of place” or unworthy of being there seeking help. Sorry if this sounds silly. It’s just what’s holding me back from going.
For now, this forum and things I’ve learnt like taking it one day at a time, play the tape all the way through, and saying no to the drink that matters - the first drink, is what is helping me as I journey along this path to happiness and sobriety.
It just sucks cause part of me still wants to drink… : ( but I don’t know why cause I regret it almost every time, but I’ve never regretted not drinking!
I keep telling myself “I don’t drink” and, slowly, I’m starting to tell the people in my life too, which helps but also makes me doubt myself when I say it, like… Am I even being honest…? I hope I am.

Well, sorry this post turned out to be so long! Lots to get off my mind it seems, and I’m finally striking up the courage to do so, to post.
It’s stirred up mixed/confused feelings, so I’m going to say the serenity prayer now and go to sleep :sleeping: I really appreciate being able to express this here - where I can come back to it, and also know I’m not alone. :pray: 76 days sober today.

Thanks for reading.

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The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. There’s one lady who attends my home group on occasion that would only drink 6-12 times a year, but it always ended poorly. She’s been sober for many years now.

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Thanks @Englishd This is so good to know and helps me a lot! I kinda know, deep down, that of course I’m worthy of going, because, I WANT to be sober, I DON’T want to ever drink again. I just worry what my life will be like without drinking ever again - that inner voice (God’s voice…???), however, immediately tells me “it will be better”. So I’m going to trust that : ) and your advice :+1: thank you.

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Well done for reaching out with your doubts. That’s totally what this app is here for. To help people on their sober Journey.
As English’s says all you need is a desire to stop drinking.
Doesn’t matter how you see yourself, you know you have a problem with alcohol and you want to better yourself. And you are willing to do what ever it takes.
When you go, try not to worry too much, no one is going to judge you, they are all there for the same reason. I was very nervous the first time I went but I was made to feel welcome by everyone. I got there early and as people came in they all greeted me, shook my hand and proceeded to tell me their story.
I felt quite overwhelmed to be honest, didn’t know what to make of it all. It was nowhere near what I had imagined.
Don’t be put off by what you may have heard. The thing to do is approach it with an open mind. Try to clear it of any pre-concieved ideas and take it as it comes to you.
There will be people there who’s stories are far worse than yours. Remember, we all come to this at different stages. I mean, if you hadn’t stopped now who’s to say you might not have ended up on the street drinking hand cleaner. It’s a progressive disease.
So don’t let that put you off. As has been said, a desire to stop drinking is all that is required.
And, one last thing, don’t be put off after the first experience. Whether you enjoy the first one or not try others.
Also, don’t start filling your head with the future, working the steps, not drinking for the rest of your life, and that sort of stuff.
Just take it as it comes, embrace the experience with an unclouded open mind.

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Thanks @anon12657779 I appreciate this advice. I struggle not to fill my head with the future, anxiety often consumes me with worries and (often irrational) fears. Sobriety and incorporating spiritual practice into my everyday life help me with this tho, as I try to be mindful and live in the present moment. Being sober helps a lot! :raised_hands::blush: I think AA will be a great addition too, in my recovery and spiritual growth. At least, that is what I seem to understand that others have experienced, reading many posts on here.

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Your doing great. Just let what ever is going to happen, happen. Listen to that " gods voice" as you call it. That’s my HP. That opposing voice to the one that used to make me drink.

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Listen to me, Smalls:
You are about to make the best decision of your life. It’s so incredibly cool that you’ve figured this out early. It really doesn’t matter what your label is; “binge drinker” “problem drinker” “moderate drinker” - They’re ALL heading in the same direction. Alcohol has never, and will never help you. It is poison and poison only. You do not need it. It will only make you a slower, weaker, less capable human being. The fact that you’re not addicted to it is the perfect reason to stop drinking now, while it’s simple and easy.

If you can shake it off for good, you’ll have an advantage over roughly 50% of the population.
(assuming you’re in the USA)

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Wow! You’re so right! Alcohol is poison, and it will never help me!!!
Thanks for the perspective! It really is the best decision of my life, YES! :smile:
I’m actually in Australia, but still an advantage here too, for sure. Drinking is everywhere here, and it’s the “norm” but I’m not buying into it anymore. Thanks for this reply, given me a good boost!

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Hey pal! Like D said, our 3rd Tradintion states “The ONLY requirement for membership is the desire to quit drinking”. That’s it. Sounds like you have that :wink:.
I always recommend to people with questions about themselves and alcoholism to google “Chapter 3 More about Alcoholism”.
It’s a quick read and it answered a lot of questions for me.

PS, we at AA would LOVE to see you!!! Please come :grin:

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I have never felt more welcome anywhere than I have in AA. Most of the thoughts, questions, ect you have are normal. I know I had them all, and ive heard them repeated time and time again at first step tables. As some gave already said, the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. Ill add you may not be an out and out alcoholic, but may be studying hard to be one. If you want to check out a meeting without having to decide to share, maybe attend an open talk for your first meeting. The opening of the meeting should help you understand the program a little better, and you can always talk to others before or after the speaker. You may feel more comfortable that way. The best thing you can do is start going. I think you’ll find, as I did, true AA members are the most welcoming, genuine, non judgmental people you will ever meet. I always knew I felt at home around a table full of drunks, just didnt realize it would be in a church and not a bar. I have never attended a meeting where I didnt feel better than I did before I walked in, even when I had a perfectly good day, I still felt better. I also know Id never stay sober alone, the fellowship of AA ensures Ill never have to. AA doesnt teach you how to quit drinking. It teaches you how to live sober. No matter what, just keep going one day at a time.

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Thank you so much for this, just the advice /information I was looking for. I’m feeling much more confident about going now… I will keep you all up to date with how it goes :blush::+1:

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Fellow Aussie here, definitely give AA a try. I resisted because of preconceived notions but it has truly helped me, you can go along and just listen to other people share as see how you feel :slight_smile:

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Yes! This was not something I had ANY idea how to do, but I’m learning. It’s really quite something :bird:

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