For what it’s worth - and this is just my casual observations being here every day - you had a rough (and tragic) October and November last year, and those thoughts of relapse started becoming more prominent in November (you created a post about it). I remember thinking to myself, “Her anchor is coming loose.”
The voice tells you it will “let loose” and “relax” (just like it did in Feb 2020 when there was an “opportunity” to take MDMA with friends).
I don’t know what these things mean but it seems like a pattern, at least in the thoughts that creep into your head and precipitate relapse. It seems like, as you noted in one of your early threads,
…and that voice is still with you, unresolved.
There’s also a desire on your part to belong, to be accepted. Just in general: to be accepted, included; to belong somewhere. Not only was that a concern of yours about joining AA (you shared about it in the same thread above), but it is also in your other threads:
And you dove deep into it here:
Have you dug into what these recurrent core beliefs may mean for you? Have you taken time and space to really explore that meaning? In art maybe; in writing; in sculpture; in something creative. (Edit to add: poetry and monologues are another idea.)
Have you explored this unexplored corner of yourself? What is there?