Huge mistake, decided to drink after 2.5yrs 😞

[Beachy]

That’s a kick ass list!

[emc2018]

Read a great quote here just now, from Dan I think @SinceIAwoke , something to the effect of “I didn’t stop drinking until I was done. There is nothing in a drink for me”
These words hit me, hard. And I’m not sure what it actually is, if it’s fear or …what? I feel scared, because I know there’s nothing in a drink for me, too. I know that my life is significantly better, healthier and happier without alcohol. And yet, I still, at times, have moments where I question if I’m “done” … I hate that. I don’t want to question. I want to be comfortable and confident and courageous. I WANT to be done. And yet, doubt and fear linger any advice, anyone? Dan?

[LeeHawk]

Are you referring to being done with alcohol FOREVER? This is where I say to myself “I’m not drinking today, and probably not drinking tomorrow.” I try very hard to live in the present. Worry about tomorrow tomorrow.

[emc2018]

Thank you, Lee. Yeah, I think that’s what I’m worrying about. Since my relapse I am now so worried that it could happen again. Because, I had worked hard and I was IN recovery for a period of time, I know it. What I can’t understand is what happened, or, how I let this relapse happen how did my mind get back to that place… ? I thought I’d literally transformed myself/my life, and yet… It happened. And I did it. I fear now that it could happen again. I desperately don’t want to be back there, using alcohol. I understand what you’re saying though and thank you living in the present and focusing on one day at a time is all I need worry about, yes. Just feeling scared I guess. HOPING that I’m done, but not knowing how to trust myself.

Edit: I’m also hoping that the more I get involved with AA this year the easier this can be and this fear will subside some

[SinceIAwoke]

Maybe by working that first step every day, you can have more confidence about being done. I pray every morning, giving thanks for the past 24 hours of sobriety, and asking for help to stay sober today, and to know and do the will of the Divine today. This helps me answer the question Dennis M grilled me with “You done yet?”

[Matt]

@emc2018

What I can’t understand is what happened

For what it’s worth - and this is just my casual observations being here every day - you had a rough (and tragic) October and November last year, and those thoughts of relapse started becoming more prominent in November (you created a post about it). I remember thinking to myself, “Her anchor is coming loose.”

The voice tells you it will “let loose” and “relax” (just like it did in Feb 2020 when there was an “opportunity” to take MDMA with friends).

I don’t know what these things mean but it seems like a pattern, at least in the thoughts that creep into your head and precipitate relapse. It seems like, as you noted in one of your early threads,

@emc2018

part of me still wants to drink… : ( but I don’t know why cause I regret it almost every time, but I’ve never regretted not drinking!

…and that voice is still with you, unresolved.

There’s also a desire on your part to belong, to be accepted. Just in general: to be accepted, included; to belong somewhere. Not only was that a concern of yours about joining AA (you shared about it in the same thread above), but it is also in your other threads:

@emc2018

For a while now, I’d been thinking about drinking. Envying others who do. Believing that I “need” alcohol to be a certain kind of person, and to fit in.

And you dove deep into it here:

@emc2018

It sucks that with all the knowledge and wisdom and experience I have, I do not feel okay. I do not simply make decisions nor do actions that are good for me. I have some sort of incapability to just “be okay”. To love myself and treat myself with the worth, and confidence, and calm that I need. I constantly make things hard for myself. In my own head. Its all me. I’ve done this for as long as I can remember. I hate myself, but now it’s just even more of a secret as I think I try to deny that truth, as I constantly quest for love and joy and inner-peace. It just seems so deeply embedded within me. Like it’s always there, and anything else is a lie. I don’t want to feel this / believe this. I want to just accept who I am and move about my life with a bit of courage and confidence, knowing that no one is perfect; so why do I expect myself to be. Accepting that this world is what it is, and people are often selfish and self-serving, so I should stop caring so much and just be that too - cause maybe that’s our innate human nature. I don’t want to believe this. But I feel exhausted. I feel so much pressure - and really it’s from no one other than myself. I feel stupid.

Have you dug into what these recurrent core beliefs may mean for you? Have you taken time and space to really explore that meaning? In art maybe; in writing; in sculpture; in something creative. (Edit to add: poetry and monologues are another idea.)

Have you explored this unexplored corner of yourself? What is there?

[KevinesKay]

I remember some posts you mentioned a while back on being a believer of Allen Carr’s EasyWay method. And with understanding that alcohol doesn’t give pleasure, but instead, takes it away.

And yet, I understand as well, that if my drug has no value, why am I still craving it to begin with? And in your case, craving to the point of relapse?

I can relate to the idea of knowing, really believing, that I’m done. I don’t want it. I don’t crave it anymore. Then, I find my subconscious second guessing itself. Why? It’s frustrating.

I guess it’s easy for me to fall for the brainwashing again; believing that my DOC is fun and I’m missing out. After so many years of using, that stinking thinking comes back to haunt me. And I just want to be at peace about my decision to be sober and to never mope about it again.

So I make that decision again today. I choose to be sober and not mope about it because sobriety is freedom and using is misery. That’s still true today as much as it was true before a craving (or a relapse).

And if my subconscious self tries embrace the brainwashing again, I’ll be getting better and better each time in warding those lies away.

[Callie99]

@emc2018

Hello again Aquarius friend

I sometimes too worry about fitting in, belonging.
I just ordered this book. It’s not implicitly about sobriety but about the need to belong. I thought you may want to check it out too

[emc2018]

Thanks, Matt. Thank you for helping me to make connections, and also for asking these questions! Your considerate and caring responses to my posts are truly very helpful and act as the guideposts / path towards the answers or undstanding I think I need

@Matt

you had a rough (and tragic) October and November last year, and those thoughts of relapse started becoming more prominent in November (you created a post about it). I remember thinking to myself, “Her anchor is coming loose.”

This hit me, reading this. Because, its helped me to understand something further. I talked (above), about how emotionally I was hurting and suffering a lot, how low I’ve felt and how it has coincided with this lapse on Christmas Day. Something I left out, strangely, is that my dog, Odin, died 2 weeks before. He meant SO much to me!!! I’m not saying this as an excuse for drinking. I’ve been through much tragedy since I’d decided to be sober and in recovery since 3rd July 2019… but, this was definitely the moment the anchor finally came loose! And I am now realising, just how much of an extremely emotional place I was in, especially that day. As I could not stop crying that day or the days before. Being with my family on Christmas day, without Odin, was a painful, hard experience as it just didn’t feel ‘right’, there was a constant void and I felt so sad, and uncomfortable. Odin was like a therapy dog for me. He was my go-to whenever I’d be feeling down.
Grief is so hard. And I just feel like I’ve had so much of it recently. These past couple of years have tried and tested me. And, I am proud of what I’ve done, how I’ve “gotten through” and continue to process this deep grief that is solidified in my heart, however, on Christmas Day, I reverted to what I once knew to cope. And, to be clear, it didn’t help - it’s just made things harder, as now I have to bear a relapse after 2.5yrs of no drinking alcohol and, though those days are not lost, I’m upset about it. But, yeah, I also lost an extremely important soul, my dog Odin, who, truly, brought me so much love, joy and ease when I felt anxious.

This is a pic of Odin with my niece

[emc2018]

@KevinesKay

I guess it’s easy for me to fall for the brainwashing again; believing that my DOC is fun and I’m missing out.

I think it’s easy for all of us @KevinesKay - it’s crazy! We stop for a reason. Good reason! We have such strong WHY’S - we have conviction and resolve, in the beginning. But then it can fade. We can get caught up in what we see others doing and start to forget our why’s: what made us want to stop in the first place. Our alcoholic or addictive brains will have us believe anything in order to drink again. It will tell us lies. I guess that’s why it takes work every day. Like you say, a daily recommitment!

@KevinesKay

sobriety is freedom and using is misery.

This is the truth for you and I. Sober life = our best life! And we WANT and CHOOSE to live our best life, everyday! Hence the daily decision and choice to be sober

[emc2018]

Hi Caroline,

Thank you for the thoughtful share. Funnily enough, I actually have and have read this book! It is amazing!! Learning to love myself and to worry less about what others think of me, it’s a lifelong journey I’m guessing. Brene Brown has been significant in helping me navigate it. I think this is a sign it’s time for me to re-read this book! Thank you

[Babbs4]

I’m sorry about Odin. I too lost a very good friend of 14 years on July 23, 2021. We HAD to put her down. She’s our 1st baby as kids are 7 and 4. She went through the start of our life with us and never wavered.
Congrats on sobriety!! Everyone has mistakes, lord knows I have more than one can count!
Hang in there please. We do recover!!

[emc2018]

Thanks, Becky. I am really sorry to hear about your loss too! Yes, Odin was with us for 10yrs and he was such a loving, beautiful dog that helped me through so much. My heart aches that he is no longer here.

Thank you for the congrats too. I have 24 days since that last drink now and I’m so glad to be building up the days once again

How is your journey in recovery going? What do you enjoy most about sober life? What helps keep you sober?

[Babbs4]

I enjoy being present in my life!

[emc2018]

I’m writing this to reaffirm to myself that alcohol has no place in my life for it is only a guise that lures you in to a false sense of fun and self-confidence, when in fact it will render lost any reverence for life or self-worth. Alcohol delivers the direct opposite of its ‘assurance’ because it is a poison. Alcohol isn’t meant for the human body, it drains us mentally, physically and spiritually. It drags us down vibrationally and has you acting with fabricated authenticity / truthfulness. In order to be my best self, my most courageous self, I need to live life as I am - without reliance on a substance like alcohol that simply destroys what’s sacred. My best life, a legitimate life… my bona fide self come without the dependence on alcohol. It happens when I choose to brave the wilderness and step out into my life and boldly be me, flaws and all and accept that this is who I am, and that is okay. I don’t need to hide, numb or run. I am human, I am not perfect, but I am here, vulnerable and ready to bravely live life to the fullest and I’ll love it and enjoy it best I can.

[Matt]

You’re absolutely right E. Thank you!

That’s your wisdom speaking, that’s your strength and your truth. You are the mountain: strong, stable, grounded in the face of any storm.

[SinceIAwoke]

Losing a good buddy or family member like Odin can really knock the pins out from under you. I was 18 months sober when our best dog ever died at the age of 15. When I found his body on the lawn, I became aware of something like his soul hovering above the treeline at the back of the property. I was granted another spiritual insight that night. As good a dog as he was, his best act, for me, was his last - letting me see how the energy of a soul leaves a body and returns to the Source.

You can learn from your relapse without shaming yourself for it. I love that you are back, and badder than ever!

[WilliamBloke]

This list is just awesome, Sassyrocks. Definitely a good reference source for any of us to go to whenever we are facing the temptation of picking up again. Thank you for sharing this.

[Letthesunshinein]

Don’t beat yourself up, it’s no worse than what the alcohol makes you feel like. Just take the steps to move forward and just start today. Period don’t drag yourself down like you are some horrible person. The time you had isn’t “gone” YOU have that time and clarity to help you right now at this very moment. Don’t drag it around with you like a shame. Hold your head up. I’m sure you regret it, but now you have an experience you can share with others and a reminder for yourself. Stay strong speak positive into yourself.

[WilliamBloke]

Aw, what a handsome boy Odin was! I like his markings. So sorry for your loss.