Hi All
So for the past 5 years I’ve dipped in and out soberiety life, longest being 100 days. I listen to podcasts/read books/read posts on this forum, which i think is great ny the way.
The past 2 years my drinking has become more daily, secretive in the evenings and waking not remembering going to sleep, what I’d watched etc. Running across the road a few times to get another small bottle of vodka. Over the years i’ve been a nightmare at times, drink driving with my kids, falling downstairs, staying in pubs on my own as didnt want the night to end, all that sort of behaviour.
I reached out to an AA mate and they said come to a meeting the only requirement is to stop drinking. So i went and loved it, hearing the chair and the stories. This was back in October and ive not drank since.
I decided to get a sponsor and start the steps, but even though i like going to meetings and i do zoom too its now very much you are an alcoholic and yes i admit that at times i cant stop but many times i can.
I want to do these steps but i feel a fraud as i dont think i have the disease but drink can take over me at times.
I went to a meeting last minute at another venue but didnt realise it was a centre for those out of rehab. I shared as only a small group and felt bad not speaking. I said i feel a fraud. After the secretary chased after me and said ‘its better to be to feel like a fraud alcoholic here than a fraud in your bedroom’.
Any advice please?
Ive felt those feelings in aa. I felt them early on when i was comparing my story to others, comparing my bottom to others. The only requirement for aa membership is a desire to stop drinking. Try not to compare. Try to focus on your program and steps 1-3.
Welcome to the forum Tinky! Glad you are here love. 
For me, I didn’t realize I had an issue either until I did the recovery work and got some sober eyes. Then I realized my behavior wasn’t normal. I too drank in secret. I blacked out and couldn’t remember the rest of my night, if I had eaten or even shut the stove off after feeding the kids. I’d fall. I blacked out once while out (normally I only blacked out at home) and I thought I drove one of the kids home with me. My dad died drinking and driving, so I thought I wasn’t an alcoholic until I did what he did…that scared the absolute shit out of me. But I still didnt think I was an alcoholic.
The thing is, “normal” drinkers don’t do these things. They don’t lose control, they don’t hide the drinking, they don’t put those we love the most who look up to us to keep them safe in the direct line of potential life threatening situations, they can have a drink and stop or even dump half of their one drink out, they don’t black out and they don’t have to try all of these things to stop drinking. In reading the stories from the big book, I found I could identitfy a LOT in them-the circumstances may be a little different and not all were exact matches but my sponsor told me to identify, not justify my drinking because there were some really hard truths and realizations in there for me. And, she was right. I had to face my reality finally instead of escaping it or putting on rose colored glasses. I could stop for a while, I could give myself a false confidence that I could control it by stopping after a few for a period of time, but I always landed at the bottom of that bottle again before long. It was honestly effing exhausting.
When I joined AA and went to my first few meetings, I used to say I was an alcoholic as it was just expected when I introduced myself-but it was easy for me to say it as I didn’t think I was. It took a while of working the program and the steps with my sponsor to finally say to myself, fuck, I’m Mandi and I AM an alcoholic. But that realization, as hard as it was, also brought me SO much freedom because I knew if I continued to live in my own denial, alcohol would take me to my grave too. So, I finally had to look at my life, get honest with me to surrender and then I went all in. I’ve got almost 6 years sober today, I NEVER thought I’d be able to say that and my life is seriously at least a MILLION times better today by giving up that “maybe I can drink safely again” idea. My sponsor always told me you can’t turn a pickle back into a cucumber and in seeing others go back out to a life of chaos, misery and even death, I accept that saying today. I’ve never once seen it end well so I just keep staying and doing the work.
This is just my journey I am sharing, openly and honestly as I’m called to. Some may resonate and it may not at all. I just pass my own experiences on to show we really can live a new way. It works if we work it.
Please don’t feel bad for speaking or sharing what’s on your heart. I’m so glad you were able to be open and honest and have that conversation! That’s one of the hardest things to do and I’m proud of you for doing it there AND here!
You truly aren’t in it alone my love. Reach out anytime! We really are in this together.
Hello @TINKY47
Welcome and congrats on your sober time!
If you ask 100 people to define what an “Alcoholic” is, you will likely get 100 different definitions.
Of all the definitions I have read, of all of the criteria I have heard, I think it comes down to these two questions:
- Is your drinking out of control?
- Is your life suffering because of drinking?
Answering yes to either is a real reason to think about quitting. Now, whether or not you want to accept the label, that’s entirely up to you, but don’t let it fool you into continuing the disease, it is progressive after all.
And for what it’s worth, take a look at What an Alcoholic Really Looks Like
I wish you well and many more sober days!
Thank you Mandi x
Thank you Cjp
Thank you x
Thats what your sponsors for ask questions if your not sure , ive met people over the years who havnt had a drink problem and are working the steps . so keep your meetings up , still in early sobriety give time ,time wish you well
Hi welcome , i can relae to so much of your story see i was a binge drinker id start early and could drink for days and thought nothing of it till the hangovers got worse and the blackouts and the horrible things i used to say to people , then i could never have enough just one more was created for me to a point like you i was googling all night garages to go get more and drive drunk not only putting myself at risk but others too. Throughout out this i didnt have a problem as for that you have to drink everyday and i could go a few days without it no problem, but when i finally admitted to myself it was getting bad it was hearing other people LIKE me that helped i realised i wasnt alone it wasnt only me who hid drink around the house or panicked if i only had 2 cans left in the fridge or was so depressed with hanxiety i wanted it all to be over permanently. Each of us have to come to the realisation ourselves and i think when u do u wont feel a fraud just happy there others like us and that accept you for you.
Good luck 
Thank you. I know I have a problem and I have similarities to others shares, but I need to get over the ‘we could never stop thats what makes us alcoholics’.
I’m new to the steps so hopefully will all fall into place.
I feel very comfortable at the meetings and ive signed up for service.
Thank you, I will definitely be continuing with the meetings and steps