I relate to this. I tried living in the land of Trevor for 20 years and it’s madness trying to control every little thing and the selfishness and just trying to be comfortable all of the time. The world doesn’t revolve around me. I’m not special. I’m not God. And most importantly I can’t do this by myself. I still have to remind myself these things pretty often.
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This week we continue the There Is A Solution chapter. I thought I’d keep it on the shorter side for easier conversation. 
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That was me in the last paragraph. I wasn’t a drinker. I drank literally on occasions. And then the day came when I drink because I had a hard day and then another and another and soon thereafter I was a blackout drinker. I remember the day I woke up and walked to a meeting and said, I am an alcoholic! Thank God for the people there, for the people here and for the program. And, for people like you MandiH who keep this conversation live and fresh in our minds. 
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It’s definitely a progressive disease. I’m 36 years old and I remember at age 21 I was already drinking an 18 pack a day and it really wasn’t doing anything so I switched to liquor. I remember people saying the Similar things to me that I should go back to beer. Or giving me all these reasons why I should stop. I was probably only briefly a moderate drinker before 21 and maybe I could’ve stopped then for certain reasons but I became a real alcoholic pretty quickly. I remember my first time going to medical detox for drinking was when I was 24 and I remember looking up online trying to research/understand why I was shaking so bad early in the morning and had some other symptoms and I was unwilling to realize it was alcohol related or alcohol withdrawals. From 24 to 35 was a crazy battle of trying to find ways to manipulate my drinking and drug use and find a way to successfully pull it off. I would get brief sobriety And then I would always have reservations so I would use any number of excuses to go back out and once I had that first drink or pill the obsession of the mind started and every other thing in my life gets thrown out the window. Nothing else matters but getting more liquor and pills. Today I accept that I am an alcoholic. I’m never going to beat the game and figure it out. I’m never going to have the perfect combination or find a way to drink or drug without burning my life to the ground. There’s nowhere left to run or nothing else to try. Except working a program on a daily basis
Makes me wonder if being a real alcoholic means that you can’t be scared by doctors warnings, you can’t be scared by consequences and that it completely takes over your life. Till you’re able to accept spiritual help and try something different. At least that’s what it was for me. I guess being a real alcoholic means a couple different things and might be different for everybody but the book talks about some examples
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For me, I too have found that my alcoholism is a progressive disease.
This week I was listening to a speaker who died with 61 years of sobriety that said, “Alcoholics aren’t people whose problem is alcohol. Alcoholics are people who’s answer was alcohol” and I really related to that.
My answer was always alcohol. If I was struggling with something. If I was bored. If I was happy. If I was celebrating. If I was needing a confidence boost. If I was looking to be around people-alcohol was ALWAYS the answer and common denominator in my life. Everything I did revolved around booze. Hell, even in the delivery room at age 19, I remember they gave us a special candlelight dinner one night as we were in the hospital with my son for a week when he was born…I wanted booze for our “special” evening after I had just gone 9 months without it and was there still because my son couldn’t be released yet due to health concerns. Alcohol was my answer. And then it became my demise.
I can not have one drink and think it won’t impact my life. My sponsors husband has said this in meetings before and it was so relatable!
When someone offers him a drink and they push past his first, “No thanks” he will say, “Ok. But first let me tell you what you need to do. First you’re going to go to the store and get a LOT more booze. Then you’ll need some bail money because I’m going to end up with the cops called on me, guaranteed. I’ll also need your car keys, but make sure your insurance is good because I’ll end up taking your vehicle and if I don’t kill someone it’ll be a miracle. Maybe you should actually have money for my funeral too, because that’s where I’m ultimately heading. Also, you’ll want to make some space in your house for me to fornicate with your wife, because if I drink I’m likely going to do my best to do that too…” and then they usually stop him and say ok ok ok! And they never ever ask him again if he wants a drink.
He said when he says it out loud, it seems ridiculous but those are exactly places that alcohol took him, places he never thought he’d be and he doesn’t want to go back to again. I don’t either so I’m beyond grateful for this program of recovery!
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I’ve never read anything that explains my alcoholism better and the progression and the solution for the problem. This is literally my story. And I’m sure this is a lot of people story. Every part of this. My progression was exactly the same. Having it stashed everywhere in my house ,outside of my job inside of trash cans , in my book bag. Trying to time out when I was going to start having the shakes or being noticeably sick and paranoid/ jumpy. I remember one thing I used to do is when I was unsure if I was going to be able to make it to the store in time or if I was too scared about my situation physically I would try to write my name on a piece of paper and if I couldn’t do that .. like literally couldn’t write then I knew that I was in trouble and I had to get alcohol very quickly. And as things got worse there was many late nights where it was 2 o’clock in the morning and I called the ambulance on myself because I knew I was not going to make it before the store opened up from having so many seizures in the past. And to me that was normal. Then like the book says.. being prescribed Ativan or Librium but not being able to stop drinking so I would do both.. drink and do the benzos and then I would end up in mental hospitals or regular hospitals only to leave and repeat the same exact process. It really is incredibly insane. Only an alcoholic could write the big book because Like I’ve said before it’s really hard for me to highlight stuff in this book because every sentence I can relate to. This is definitely one of my favorite chapters.
And even if you’ve never been physically addicted like this to the alcohol it still talks about the obsession of the mind and all of the other consequences that the drink causes.. it’s very relatable to so many people.
Ps: Eventually I would like to find the addition that has the story at the end called too young to be an alcoholic. That was actually the first thing I read inside of a big book when I was 24 when I first started becoming very physically addicted And unable to hold a job or maintain housing
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This section is interesting to me; I was married to a binge drinking Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde type drunk who didnt drink everyday, but when he did cared about nothing else, would get wasted and turn into a mean, volatile, violent person, only stopping drinking when he passed out. He regularly got cut off by bartenders, and we were in Mexico where you REALLY had to be making a scene for that to happen.
I drank everyday, but I was a “nice” drunk. I rarely blacked out or got sick, got thrown out or cut off, and certainly never started any physical fights. Nobody would have thought I had a drinking problem unless they had a video camera on me 24/7.
I was the one hiding bottles in the house. I was making up excuses why I had to go to the grocery store alone so that I could buy secret alcohol. I was the one mixing with drugs, getting drunk before he got home and then pretending to be sober. I dont know if I was ever physically addicted but Ive had a morning drink on more than one occassion as a “hangover cure.” Like the reading says, I had lost all control of my liquor consumption, but it was even before I started to drink! I didnt even have the choice over whether I did or not, I was going to no matter what.
Now, Im the one in recovery. So as much as im working through the shame of what Ive done in the past Im proud of myself for knowing I need help. Im working my program sincerely, earnestly, and thouroughly. Im working on the fearless part
Thanks for the thread!
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I have long contended that you cannot use logic on a drunk. The stark contrast between who we are drunk and sober is not a mystery to us who suffer from alcoholism.
I was able to minimize, deny, and rationalize the consequences of my continued drinking for years. And in the end, it was not those consequences that specifically motivated me to stop. That was a moment of grace, granted by the Universal Divine. The problem I developed during all those years was that I altered my thoughts and attitudes, and minimizing, denying and rationalizing became the primary means for me to deal with myself. That needed retraining, that needed step work.
What this section illustrates is the strength and activity that the obsession with drink has. It has been characterized as “protecting the drinking at all costs”.
Reading this section, I am grateful that today my intentions match my behavior. I owe that ability to Grace and the program of AA.
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