Something important to me in my sobriety that ive learned and that id like to share…im not the greatest writer but here it is in its raw state…
I have to accept that sometimes I’m scared, worried, upset, angry or any other kind of emotion…i have to accept that whatever i feel is valid and that it’s OK to feel how i feel.
From that starting point i can then move forward into dealing with things head on …
If I don’t accept how I feel then I create an inner dialogue of ‘shouldnt’ where i shouldnt feel what i feel which then leads me down the path to an internal fight with myself…i think i am stupid, weak, that i am wrong for feeling the way i do and then i want to run and escape myself which is dangerous territory for an addict.
Cast iron proof of what i feel being valid is that i feel it.
Acceptance of what is and not what could have been or should be is the key.
This was actually perfect for me to hear this morning. I think sometimes people of our ilk tend to be over thinkers… I find myself judging my feelings and being over analytical about them… but they are just what they are, and we have to accept that we are human beings… because if we can accept our feelings, then we can turn them over. I also do the what could have, should have, would have been dance mentally… but that just ends up burning up my mental fuel which, the truth is this is what it is… the now is my reality, a culmination of past choices (many good, many bad) and we can make changes to our lives and allow them to not define us but, we have to accept the past first. Acceptance is key if we are to change.
This is so true. I was talking with my sponsor yesterday and this is exactly what we were talking about. It’s amazing how clear it can be like this, but to me sometimes, in the emotional moment, it is not this clear (or at least, not yet). I’m still learning!
Its not easy to accept what we feel sometimes when emotions take over which is fine…nothing in the moment has to be known straight away…sometimes youve got to take time to sit with things until feelings become clearer…but to come from a place of being able to accept what you feel is ok-good or bad is much better than a place of ‘shouldnt’ or cant and of self doubt. Could have beens or should be’s are basically just fiction.
I think first it is important to remember that feelings are not facts. I don’t think you necessarily need to accept them but rather to feel and internalize them. This doesn’t have to be done right away. Through simple psychological/meditative techniques you can push those thoughts and feelings away if you are in a situation like being at work. The way i tend to do that is by visualizing your thoughts and feelings as being outside of yourself in a thought bubble. The thoughts and feelings aren’t helpful you push away and watch them float off and the ones that are helpful and constructive keep with you. Then when you get the chance after work come back to those thoughts and feelings and sit with them and maybe even right them down and journalize about them to internalize and deal with them. These are just some ways along the way i have learned to escape myself when necessary and internalize and deal with these sorts of things in a healthy and productive manner. I hope this helps.
I respectfully disagree…for me how i feel is real to me and therefore is fact to me, thoughts arent always factual but how something makes me feel is very real…if i accept that feeling i can then be honest with myself and begin work on the whys and wherefores…there is then no need to escape myself.
You say that you disagree and then basically go on to state what i said just in another way. The statement feels are not facts is meant to say that how you feel about something one day may not be the same way you feel about that exact same thing on another day. They ebb and flow. Yes its important to be honest with yourself and work on the whys and wherefore in order to internalize and change how you feel about them. I wasn’t suggesting you totally escape yourself i was trying to give you a way to temporarily deal with them if you can’t get around to that process immediately.
No i did not go on to repeat what you said at all…i have my own narrative thank you very much! You stated that feelings are not facts…i said they are to me and went on to explain how and why, if my feelings toward something are different on a different day it still makes me no less accepting of it
That is fine. How we think about things and the process we go through maybe completely different. Everyone’s brain chemistry and thought process is different and i completely get that. At the end of the day we all have to do what works for us as individuals. I was stating what works for me but we all have our our own ways. Im glad you have found what works for you.
For me the element of escaping myself is way too dangerous for me to even dip my toe into but as you say everyone is different and im also glad youve found a way that works for you which might also help others
My experience is feelings come and go…if I allow them…or they get stuck if I ruminate on them too much. I come back often when I am anxious or in a panic to remind myself that the feeling is not permanent…it is just a visitor. It is neither good, nor bad, just there and it will pass if I allow it.
I think this may be similar or the same as your expression of ‘accepting how you feel’. That ‘good’ or ‘bad’, you feel it and accept it. For me, the important part there is after “yes, this is how I feel”, to say thank you feeling, you can go now and release it (if possible). Recognize what it brings up, how it feels within the body, what it is asking of me and then letting go.
Big stuff to ponder @Starlight14!! Thanks for sharing.
Im a very feelings and emotion driven person…even on here i tend toward writing on threads where i feel something from whats been written…my mother has never understood how i operate…she is very unemotional and to this day tells me that i should not be upset or feel this way or that way…i used to believe what she would say and go on to constantly doubt myself…i know that its her way of trying to help me on seeing me in pain or distress but by telling me not to feel has only ever made things worse, i know she comes from a good place and im not blaming her for me eventually going down the road to addiction but ive basically had to re learn that my feelings are ok to feel
And then there’s being a very feeling and emotion driven person on the inside, but stoic and seemingly unemotional on the outside. The poor people who have to deal with someone (me) like that!
I also think that feelings are there to tell you something good or bad…but first you have to accept and validate that feeling to then be able to go further into the whys and the wherefores of it then its a possibility once youve done the work and reflection that when faced with a similar future situation you may then feel differently about it…
This reminds me of how my ex treated me. He would tell me I was wrong about things and that I shouldn’t feel certain ways, usually when it was a negative emotion involving him. Eventually I learned that everyone has a right to their own feelings and no one else can say otherwise. I’m actually grateful I went thru that.
I agree completely. I am a very emotional person who has done so many battles inside my own head. Feelings need to be validated before they can done be dealt with. This is taking me a lifetime to learn.but this little nugget about past and future is so true!
