So now and then I catch myself thinking about some stuff. Mostly don’t put them on paper, but for the ones I have now I’ll give it a go.
During my upbringing feeling/emotions didn’t play much of a role. I was good at school so the feedback given to them by school was Rob will be fine.
A lot happened, I won’t go in a lot of details. Maybe only write this to validate my feelings. And when start writing those two sentences tears start already flowing. My emotions were somehow not allowed. Whether it was happy or angry or sad etc. they were just wiped from the table as they were not there. Why? Will never get an answer to that.
Went in the direction of those dynamics during my first and second treatment when my father told me to be tougher etc. My mother I can’t remember, just to scared the world would find out her son is a drunk just as she was scared of the world when my brother came out for being gay. Things said during those days never left my mind. When my brother came out she made the remark whether they should move to another town. I see myself somehow standing in owe. Looking at that image I think I was totally dissociative already, and it didn’t even concern me. Coming back later on such occasions (if I write all down it’s called a book) and try to explain what it did to me their respond was in line that’s so long ago etc. as it never had been and it’s fine now. If I then mention it was never discussed with me in any way later on, also on some other stuff were I deserved excuses for blaming me for things I didn’t do. Wonder whether they knew there was a very sensitive, highly intelligent (writing this makes me feel arrogant) , highly talented kid in the house. Get the creeps now. Only acknowledging just a little bit those me things happened not looking me in the eyes. Acknowledging my feelings is way beyond their abilities. Can’t imagine their pain if you’re unable to do that. For my father everything is my perspective, case closed, leaving me totally in the cold
If my feelings were acknowledged I think I could have let it go. Now those things had a very long time to rotten somewhere deep down.
Hey Rob, im sorry that your feelings werent acknowledged, im here to tell you that everything you feel is valid, parents are just people and flawed just like the rest of us… i wrote this about my mother in a post a few days ago…
…i am angry with her and have been for many years…when i was very young around 6 her and my dad split and then she got with my stepdad…i think it was an affair. My brother and i had to go live with grandparents for 2 years until they got sorted with a house etc then when we moved back with my mother my stepdad was horrible to us…then they had my younger brother who was very obviously treat different to us, treat very well n we still endured mental abuse for years. Fast forward to when i had my daughter 5 years ago and a mother myself…suddenly i had this deep sense of anger toward my mother for allowing us to be treat so badly by my stepdad…i would absolutely NEVER let anyone treat my girl like that for long as i have breath in my body…yet she did and now seems to think she can critcisize my mothering skills
What ive learned the past few days with help from people on here is that your sobrietu journey is your own regardless of what and who your parents are and what they say, i understand that their outlook and how they make you feel makes things more difficult at times but you can still do this regardless of their feelings because you are worth it for yourself, they dont have to be part of your support network, il send a link to the full post i put up as i got some sterling advice from the beautiful people on here that may help how your feeling, my love to you
I think that’s it Rob. These are our lives. We have to live 'm. My parents were pretty good people but they were really lousy parents. For me it’s something beyond resentment, beyond hate, beyond forgiveness now too. I have to deal with it. While I am sure a lot of anger and resentment and hurt and pain will come out in the Pesso therapy I am about to embark on. But it will have to be about me 100%. In a way it’s helpful to me (I think and I feel) that my parents have been dead for a while now.
This is today. Today we deal with the shit in our lives. We deal with the stuff that has been buried deep down inside all these years. It’s bloody hard painful work but I’m proud we’re doing it Rob. Hugs.
Thanks for your reply, and feel what you are going through. That I’m not alone gives me a warmer feeling. Rationally I know I need to leave them out of my further recovery.
Made some first steps there, went on Saturday with my son. My son stayed for a sleepover. His connection is strong with them, mentioned it before but I sad after a crisis that if they are not going to hug him I’ll cut the ties. Looks still bit clumsy, I distance when it happens. My sons hug to them is warm, but if someone would see the scene them hugging and me standing next to it, hmmmm ouch . Cutting my own hand of, but still feels better I’m able to somehow accept things (maybe level 1 of 100 ). On my way to them my breathing went faster, higher in my chest and my throat squeezed. Going in I lowered my defense system. You know when they lock down a building in movies ? Something like that and topping it of with an automatic missile system . My mother is sensitive too, so she has felt it. But can’t help her anymore, it’s my own journey.
The sarcasm is there to survive until proper treatment starts for my trauma.
. Cutting my own hand of, but still feels better I’m able to somehow accept things (maybe level 1 of 100 
). On my way to them my breathing went faster, higher in my chest and my throat squeezed. Going in I lowered my defense system. You know when they lock down a building in movies 
? Something like that and topping it of with an automatic missile system 
. My mother is sensitive too, so she has felt it. But can’t help her anymore, it’s my own journey.