Anyone actively dating during their recovery? If so when did you feel comfortable doing so? Do you tell them about your recovery in detail or be vague about it?
Everyone is different but I’m saying heck to the no on dating lol. I even have a couple girls try to message me and I kind of feel like a dick bc I won’t even answer. I’m to focused on trying to get better. And I have had bad experience before on trying when in early sobriety, bc I’m nervous and alot of times they drink, and will drink to ease they’re nerves, so then i would drink to bc I thought I’m sober I can handle it. And I couldn’t handle it, and then would always sabatoge the relationship. Something feels good about a relationship when you’re sobering up and makes you want to drink. But I said no way this time, I’m making sure I am good and healed first, I want to actually experience life rite now and focus on fixing and loving myself before I can love someone else
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I’d say that you are feeling uncomfortable because it is too early for you to start dating.
You don’t even know who the new you is, how can you expect to convey a comfortable person if you are all over the place with your thoughts and emotions.
This is why it is said that it’s best not to date for the first year at least.
So you can give enough time and energy into finding yourself.
Have you read about Codependentcy?
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I’ve been with my partner for just over 5 years, and I met her at almost 2 years sober. I told her about my recovery on a need to know basis on the advice of a therapist.
On our first date, I told her what she needed to know at that time: that I’d had life challenges like everyone else, but my challenges were unique to me and I learned from them. When it started getting serious around 2 months, I told her more of what she needed to know. Every time we had a serious talk, I she heard what she needed to know. It took about 8 months to tell her my whole story.
I needed to know my whole story and accept it all before I could tell it. I couldn’t expect her to understand my journey if I didn’t understand it myself. Also couldn’t expect her to accept all of me if I couldn’t do the same.
The therapist also said this was a test to see how we both handled it. If she had kept prodding for more information or broke boundaries, and it had nothing to do with my present behavior, I should consider that a red flag and deal breaker. Or if my present behavior wasn’t right, then I wasn’t ready for a relationship and I had to focus on my own stuff.
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I started my journey 20 days ago. Ive gone on one date once since I started I did have a bloody mary with dinner even though he ddnt drink anything… old habit die hard. For me it will prob be good to hold off on dating until I’m a little more comfortable socially without drinking.
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I was committed to at least a year of no dating. I’m 3 months away from 3 years and have zero interest in dating now. Getting to explore myself, my interests, strengths and weaknesses, then work on my weaknesses, has been incredibly rewarding and I’m not in the mood to change that anymore. This is important work I’m doing, work that will carry me through the rest of my life, relationships included.
Don’t fret about it for now.
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Spot on my friend
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Many years ago when I was attending CA meetings, I got into a relationship with a man in early recovery. We dated for 5 years. WORST decision I ever made. We were both sick being in early recovery and we both had alot of baggage. I barely knew anything about myself or even how to love myself nevermind someone else. He turned out to be very abusive and I ended up charging him. But that’s beside the point. What I didnt listen to was everyone who told me to give myself time (at least a year) to learn about myself and heal myself from all the damage that had been done. They suggested for me to focus on my recovery. When I was with that man, my focus turned to him and I lost track of my recovery. We ended up using together for years. If I would’ve stayed away from men at that crucial time, I wouldve had a stronger foundation to have a healthy relationship in the future and most likely alot more clean time.
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I’m very socially awkward so the dating lifestyle does not work for me unless drinking. So for the most part I choose not to date. If it’s a guy that I know through networking or something and have that level of comfort, then I’m fine. I think it’s different for everyone. But I do know the whole dating culture makes me very edgy. I despise being judged, and I feel like that’s all dating is. So, for me and the fragile state of my sobriety right now, I’m on hiatus.
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Yea someone asked me out even though I made it clear that I’m not interested in dating and the first thing he said was let me take you to a bar. It’s like somewhere along the way dates went from dinner and movies to getting trashed to get around the awkward phases.
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Yea i read it’s supposed to be able steps because it’s really not healthy for a person to know your whole life story all with in a matter of a few dates anyway. And you get to really get to know a person and allow them to know you without the prejudgement tht comes with addiction.
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I’ve been in a very toxic relationship for 7 years and dating is a very anxiety riddled thing but i think for me my challenge comes from being a hermit. I’m used to my ex and how he smells, acts, talks, behaves so when I’m with someone else I’m disinterested. I start drinking to “light up” or “give me an open mind”. I’m not trying to be rude I’m just not interested in anyone else. I guess that’s a clue there i shouldn’t be dating. Who goes on a date with someone they weren’t aren’t interested in. I guess i just felt obligated. Like i owe it to myself to get out, be adventurous, move on. But in reality Idw to and it isn’t worth risking my sobriety for some false sense of companionship.
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I dnt feel uncomfortable. I’m not dating or interested dating right now. I was just wondering when it does happen do you tell ppl because I’ve heard a lot of being say they told their partner right from the start so they knew what they were getting into but i feel it’s really no ones business to know who i used to be if I’m not tht person anymore. But is that starting under a false pretense
Definitely relate to that as well. My relationship was not healthy at all. I’ve gone into that a bit on here. I’m just about divorced. As horrible as it was, it’s what my heart wants. But my sober brain gave me the strength to walk. I miss him, but it gets easier every day.
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When the time comes, I think it’s only natural to share who I am. Some of that may mean sharing who I was. In any case, honesty first.
For me, the simple statements “I’m a sober person” or “I don’t drink” are important parts of who I am now worth getting out there.
Would I tell my whole story on a first date? Lol, probably not. Is it something I hope I can at some point be honest about and have respected by someone I’d really be serious with? Well yeah.
But to echo others, I blindly accepted the advice to not worry about dating for a year and instead focus on recovery. It makes perfect sense to me now. I really didn’t know me or what I was looking for.
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To start with just try " I don’t drink"
Nothing more nothing less.
It’s up to you how far you go I’d say.
Honesty is always the best policy.
Sorry, just sounded like you had started and was feeling uncomfortable with it so asking advice.
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Ive been dating but nothing serious ya i tell them straight up im an addict. But i guess since Its really just one night stand and what not it doesn’t really matter what they think… I jusy lost my husband soo i kinda just filling a whole. And for some reason seeing men here and there is kinda helping me and keeping me sober y not… Im sure half u guys r gunna judge but w.e ima do what ever i gotta do to stay sober
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It was advised to me to not date for the first sober hear and I got sober after my last girlfriend… She was taking me off the deep end so I ended it. That being said, I’ve gone on a few dates sober and I’ll tell you this, I am much more engaged in the person and identifying common interests and not seeing eye to eye on whatever. Of the three dates I’ve gone on, I had the ability to either say “thanks, but no thanks” or “I appreciate your time.” I’m happy that I’m actually able to see what’s best for me and not what ol’ booze brain/lil’willy wants. Dating is hard in general, but lately I’ve enjoyed not throwing myself into a relationship that isn’t built on honesty and trust.
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I’ve been online dating for years (never seem to meet people irl ugh!!) And I was definitely very nervous on my first few sober dates because alcohol had always been used as a crutch for the awkwardness and my social anxiety. I definitely think it’s really important that they know that you don’t drink right off the bat and just a simple “I don’t drink” is good enough and it helps avoid the “let’s get drinks” convo. I think it also helps weed out some people who probably have a questionable relationship with alcohol themselves!
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I personally was going to hold off on dating. Then, I reached out to a friend of a friend on FB and we clicked easily enough. At first, I wasn’t taking it seriously. Then, I went on a trip with her to Washington DC. After that, I decided to form a relationship with this woman. I used to use drinking and drugging in order to be more social with women. This particular lady liked me for who I was. She has a good job, 3 wonderful daughter’s who absolutely love me and an awesome family that reminds me of my family. She understands why I don’t drink and she’s been through so much with other men that she was shocked to see how a real man is supposed to act. I love her dearly now and am living with her now.
If you’re hesitant about dating now, it’s for a reason. Go with what your instincts are telling you and don’t date for at least 6 months. That way, you can understand yourself, your new sober self, more. Never force these sorts of things to go a course that can’t be forced. Let it flow naturally, like how fresh water rivers finds its way down to the sea. Bending here, going straight there, etc.
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