That’s incredible! And reading that made me tear up a little. In that cathartic happy for you way.
You sharing your story probably helped so many of them feel less alone in theirs. 
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Thanks Sienna. 
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Whoh this took me down a childhood memory lane rabbit hole I wasn’t quite ready for 
I can relate and sympathise with you all . Trying to navigate and untie the knots now I’m a sober adult is a work in progress for me . All I know is I’m an overly empathetic mother to my daughter i feel every thought and pain she has as she’s feeling it because childhood is never far away for me .my dysfunctional narcissistic home life made my interactions with others impossible School was horrendous when I actually went .mother not up to take me or pick me up no breakfast half the week no uniform walking myself a mile and a half there at the age of six constantly shouted at and told I was weak or naughty then telling others that while I had to stand and listen . Being bullied when I got there for being different (she sent me to a school with upper class children ) while my dad was a chronic alcoholic resigned to the shed to sleep 
then being smacked if I told anyone about our life… Damm I remember that. my dysfunctional narcissistic home life definitely impacted my ability to cope at school and make friends . Some people on here know I took myself to the social services office at age eleven told them the lot and I never went back to her again . Long time before we spoke again but she’s now a seventy seven year old with not many years left she has apologised for how she was and wishes she wasn’t that person . She’s a good Nan to my daughter and we’ve tried to build bridges over both of our pasts 
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I added the TW to the title because I realize this thread is a heavy one that probably stirs up a lot of feelings and past traumas.
Thank you for sharing some of your painful experience and memories.
I think finding community helps so many of us feel less alone.
I’m sorry you went through all of that as a young child. You didn’t deserve ANY of that. 
I’m happy you’ve mended some of that pain with your mom and that she’s a better person for your daughter. 
I’m also happy when I see your posts and triumphs about your journey.
Here we all are, doing the work, healing the wounds we never asked for.
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Thank you @SoberSassy:heart: it’s nice to know I make someone happy on my journey. It can be very lonely sometimes. my circle is small now but I believe it’s for a reason atm .I need space and quiet to heal my poor nerves .my life before was chaotic no memories because of blackout,full of the wrong people and being a yes girl for all the wrong reasons. odaat and one foot in front of the other I’m rarely anxious anymore, but I also know when to say no and what to say yes to 
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Earlier I came across a video that I thought I’d share the cliff notes on.
He discusses how crucial it is not to engage with a narcissist because your dysregulation and triggers are self soothing to them and gives them grandiosity, power and makes them feel in control, knowing how to make you dance.
Your peace and indifference are what will make them break down.
He goes on to say that no-contact is best because a narcissist’s delusion is infective and parasitic and it breaks our own reality testing because we are trying to validate ourselves, prove reality and defend ourselves, but in doing so we’re giving them grandiosity and sucked into their inverted reality continuously.
No contact is best, but if that’s not an option then gray rocking is the only ideal and successful one when dealing with a person with narcissistic personality disorder.
I truly do feel bad for people with that disorder. How terrifying and isolating that must be.
But I want no part in it either.
I hope you’re all having an abuse free day.
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I broke off all contact with my mother 20+ years ago and it took me a long time to realize that I did not do so out of spite or anger, but out of self-preservation.
Having no contact with parents comes with a bunch of challenges and obstacles, especially when siblings and family do not do the same and you end up navigating, managing and avoiding many situations. I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone, but in my case I absolutely had to bring peace and stability in my own life and not ‘dance to their tunes’.
Thanks for sharing, @SoberSassy! 
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I understand completely.
Me and one sibling have broken away from our mother, but we have one who she still emotionally abuses and controls. He has all sorts of emotional problems such as paranoid schizophrenia.
I’m glad you did what was best for you. I know it’s not easy.
And I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
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I am sorry, @SoberSassy, that must be heart-breaking 
My mother tried for the longest time to get to me/information about me through my sister and it made me beyond angry, until I realized that I cannot control what other people do/allow 
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Just you being able to relate to that type of thing helps me with what I’m going through immensely.
My mom has lost control over two of her children and with that disorder she feels entitled to our loyalty and worship.
She wants information, she’s pushing boundaries with my friends and loved ones.
And I have to agree with you, there’s nothing I can do about what a person says about me or does. 
Which in itself is a freeing place to come to.
Do you feel less triggered now that it’s been years?
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I do, but that’s probably mostly down to just getting older and mellowing out a bit (and I mean just a bit, I am a fighter whereas my sister has inherited all the peace-keeping genes). I do also avoid meeting/seeing my mother at all cost, so I don’t really know if/how that would trigger me.
I do regularly deal with her and her partner in my dreams and I have learned to accept that, once again, I have no control over that but it makes for many a grumpy morning.
Funny story: my father passed recently and left us a list of people to be invited to his funeral service, which included my mother (they separated in 1978 and hated each other’s guts ever since). Being a good son and knowing that granting a dying man’s wish is the right thing to do, I decided not to kick up a stink and silently wrote her address details on one of the envelopes… Only to get an absolute earful from my stepmom who could not understand how in my right mind I would choose to invite my mother to the service.
Parents, huh, you just can’t win
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Coming up to three years estranged from my mum this December and over 20 years estranged from my dad. It’s the hardest thing anyone ever has to do. We don’t want to have no parents and that tentacle of life giving connection… But when you have no choice, you have no choice. Like both of you mention, you need to prioritise self preservation as you are not playing with regular rules of engagement. It’s psychological warfare and the rules are twisted.
Love to you both.
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This is so true!
And it gets so tricky because it can look so convincing.
The sooner we realize it’s all a front, the more we can protect ourselves.
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Do you feel narcissistic tendencies are on a sliding scale for people? I know of people who are narcs in a lot of ways, but probably aren’t Narcs. It’s so confusing when you are traversing this landmine and have experienced narcissistic abuse to not just see blinding lights and RUN.
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Wonderful question!
They say once you’ve dealt with narcissistic abuse, everyone can look like one to you.
I look back and see where I have had my own narcissistic traits from learning from my mom. I really struggled at the beginning of my sobriety thinking maybe I was one too.
I see traits in a ton of people and I agree that it doesn’t necessarily make them one.
I think empathy is the biggest tell for me, but I know some who are great at faking empathy like your meme said. Or when people say and do things purely for a reaction. I know that doesn’t make them one either but it puts them on my radar 
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I agree. A big one for me is not showing up or being flakey around things that matter to YOU. It shows a lack of intent towards you, a lack of care. Like they couldn’t give two fucks but smile and divert to something meaningless. Then I just feel needy and get in my head which exacerbates the whole situation. So I tingle between the unpleasant feeling of self doubt and resentment.
A friend recently got back in touch with me (and she really was a truly beautiful friend to me, we were super close, for over a decade) but since she moved out of London and got married we lost touch bit by bit, month by month. I read her lovely message and couldn’t reply, just hearted it on WhatsApp and I’m like what the fuck is wrong with you? But it’s too big to explain how I am entirely different to the person she flaked on - again- last May 2023 (the straw that broke my empathy for effort) and I really don’t have the energy. I realise I’m holding resentments and my resolve is very strong once I decide to let someone go…but does that make me wrong and bad?
I’m like you, I often worried myself silly about the traits I scraped behind me in my emotional detritus. I don’t think narcs even think about stuff like this, do they ?? Anyway, I’m trying to hold empathy and boundaries in the same column these days, but boy do they fight each other.
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