Interesting question! Personally, I believe we all have an inner narcissist, bigot etc., what sets us apart from actual ones though is our ability to call ourselves to account and not act upon our inner thoughts and impulses.
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You’re right, I don’t think it’s something they even consider or think about themselves since they’re incapable of looking inward or taking accountability.
I think a good way to know where you stand with your once close friend would be to see how she responds or reacts if you express she hurt you.
I also think it’s okay that you’ve set boundaries and question them. I do the same thing.
Though I know how exhausting it can be too.
I’ve also cut ties with a friend I used to speak to daily, all throughout the day for 10 years because I realized she is absolutely a narc. I struggled with thinking perhaps I was paranoid or being too harsh but when I feel more at peace without someone in my life, I think that tells me everything I need to know about them.
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Very very true. But I sometimes wonder if codependency can short circuit this natural circle of renewed (peaceful) life. Addicts love chaos, I certainly did and even now sometimes rattle my crib at ‘boredom’… hmmm, I’m off to bed now with my Mo Hayder book. 
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You are probably very correct.
Ego
Main character syndrome
Self centredness
Selfish tendencies
Vanity
50 shades of narc family, but not aggressively so.
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I know you know all this 
But we have to remind ourselves that as children of a parent or parents with NPD, we learned to equate narcissistic abuse with love.
And that definitely shows up in all of our friendships and relationships.
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(Bit of a brain dump, bear with pls)
My childhood experiences are with parents/caregivers that bounced between narcissism and (emotional) neglect. Things I wasn’t able/didn’t learn to do were to a) establish a space for myself in relationships and b) express my emotional and relational expectations and needs.
Surprise, surprise, I ended up gravitating towards narcissistic people for friendship and relationships. It was just easier to let the other person(s) occupy all of the space and talk/think about themselves because that let me off the hook to put in the hard work and establish a healthy balance in my relationships.
When I started identifying this character flaw (through a lot of therapy and self-reflection!) and wanted to change my relationships, I once again came up against a brick wall and rightly so - my friends and partners simply did not understand why I was all of a sudden adamant that I needed my space and attention on me in relationships too.
Fast forward to today and I have needed to part ways with some of those people, not because I resent them but because you cannot expect others to change their character just because yours has developed in a different and more healthy direction. I do sometimes miss them, though, like you would people that have been part of your life for a little or even a long while.
I am interested to find out if others have had similar experiences and how you dealt with them?
For those interested in learning a bit more about Childhood Emotional Neglect, here is a book I really valued reading:
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P.S.: this is another book I found helpful, albeit a lot more theoretical and meatier than the one above:
Please note: I am not trying to dish out disorders/diagnoses, everyone’s experiences are a unique puzzle. I am merely sharing a few things that have helped me along the way, hoping that the journey will be shorter and more effective for others. When in doubt, please consult mental health professionals.
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I’m at a similar place where self reflection and correcting my own toxic behaviors and tendencies have enlightened me to so much in my life.
I think everything up to the point of my sobriety were just trauma responses.
I am not angry with the people I’ve been cutting off, with the exception of my mom, but I’ll get there.
However they are angry with me for becoming so cold and inaccessible.
I feel they are incapable of realizing their part in it. They’d rather just call me crazy or closed off.
Which is fine.
I am at a place where I just feel sorry for their limitations.
Thank you for sharing some of your story, Dirk.
I know it’s not easy. Well for me it’s not always easy, but I appreciate this little community we’ve all created because I think it truly helps with understanding and healing.
I’m going to look into the books you’ve mentioned. 
One I’ve been working through is called ‘Out of the Fog’
It’s ever so validating 
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Reading that first book I listed may actually be helpful, it taught me that it’s more important to break the generational cycle than to stay angry at parents 
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I recently went on a small learner session about attachment styles. I’m pretty much a mix of anxious (majority)/disorganised attachment. It was really interesting to hear about.
It’s only by (re)forming safe and trusting attachments that we heal and this comes in the uncomfortable space of: being honest, holding boundaries, saying what you want and need, saying no and saying yes with true intent and belief, making space for your voice, standing firm even when you want to soothe others above your own discomfort and being true to your own emotional needs. It’s hard work when you have had zero emotional brickwork, but it’s not impossible, far from it. If you just stay in the old patterns, nothing changes. Whodafunkit!
That’s kind of the beauty about the space we are in healing, we can do these hard things and step into grace and power. 
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I grew up with an alcoholic narc dad. Most times My household was filled with angry outburst and threats of violence from my father toward my mother and older sisters. My father was not a protector nor a provider, just an entitled, controlling violent person. I was very young at the time but those moments impacted me to my core. I can vividly remember my dad quarrelling and trying to fight my mom because she wanted to go to a dance class, i was tembling so much and so terrified that i actually felt myself disassociate. I felt myself leaving my body because it needed to protect my mind. I had many many incidences like that at a young age. I believe that These experiences changed who i was meant to be in life. It changed the trajectory of my life. My personality forever skewed. I believe that i did turn to drugs and alcohol at a very age because of the inner chaos that i felt. I went with partners who were not good for me. Partners who were in a way similar to my dad. The few partners who were kind and loving were pushed away because they felt boring to me, but as i matured i realized they were not boring but i was so familiar with toxicity that loving partners felt alien to me. I couldnt understand that type of connection. From then to now being almost 40 i still can’t shake that terrified kid. My inner child hunts me and is still begging to be healed. My dad, in his 80s now is still the same person, not as much strength to abuse us like before, can barely walk but his mind is the same and his venomous tongue hasn’t changed a bit. He still lashes out at my mother and says the most vile things. Even to this day when he argues it triggers hurts from many decades ago. I go right back to that 7 yr old kid. I have hope that i will heal someday. Going to my first psychiatrist appointment soon. I pray that this is the thing that finally works.
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Wow, Leah
I’m so sorry you’ve experienced such trauma 
It’s truly heartbreaking to know how it affects the brain, nervous system, gut, our bodies, our development, our relationships etc.
Your father sounds like a pretty messed up man and you deserved so much better than that.
Let us know how your first psychiatrist appointment goes.
I think that’s a very big step you’re taking 
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All the very best of luck with the therapy, I hope it brings you some comfort and arms you with methods and tools to heal. Thank you for sharing, you really didn’t deserve to grow up like that 
hugs 
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