Wonderful question!
They say once you’ve dealt with narcissistic abuse, everyone can look like one to you.
I look back and see where I have had my own narcissistic traits from learning from my mom. I really struggled at the beginning of my sobriety thinking maybe I was one too.
I see traits in a ton of people and I agree that it doesn’t necessarily make them one.
I think empathy is the biggest tell for me, but I know some who are great at faking empathy like your meme said. Or when people say and do things purely for a reaction. I know that doesn’t make them one either but it puts them on my radar 
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I agree. A big one for me is not showing up or being flakey around things that matter to YOU. It shows a lack of intent towards you, a lack of care. Like they couldn’t give two fucks but smile and divert to something meaningless. Then I just feel needy and get in my head which exacerbates the whole situation. So I tingle between the unpleasant feeling of self doubt and resentment.
A friend recently got back in touch with me (and she really was a truly beautiful friend to me, we were super close, for over a decade) but since she moved out of London and got married we lost touch bit by bit, month by month. I read her lovely message and couldn’t reply, just hearted it on WhatsApp and I’m like what the fuck is wrong with you? But it’s too big to explain how I am entirely different to the person she flaked on - again- last May 2023 (the straw that broke my empathy for effort) and I really don’t have the energy. I realise I’m holding resentments and my resolve is very strong once I decide to let someone go…but does that make me wrong and bad?
I’m like you, I often worried myself silly about the traits I scraped behind me in my emotional detritus. I don’t think narcs even think about stuff like this, do they ?? Anyway, I’m trying to hold empathy and boundaries in the same column these days, but boy do they fight each other.
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Interesting question! Personally, I believe we all have an inner narcissist, bigot etc., what sets us apart from actual ones though is our ability to call ourselves to account and not act upon our inner thoughts and impulses.
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You’re right, I don’t think it’s something they even consider or think about themselves since they’re incapable of looking inward or taking accountability.
I think a good way to know where you stand with your once close friend would be to see how she responds or reacts if you express she hurt you.
I also think it’s okay that you’ve set boundaries and question them. I do the same thing.
Though I know how exhausting it can be too.
I’ve also cut ties with a friend I used to speak to daily, all throughout the day for 10 years because I realized she is absolutely a narc. I struggled with thinking perhaps I was paranoid or being too harsh but when I feel more at peace without someone in my life, I think that tells me everything I need to know about them.
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Very very true. But I sometimes wonder if codependency can short circuit this natural circle of renewed (peaceful) life. Addicts love chaos, I certainly did and even now sometimes rattle my crib at ‘boredom’… hmmm, I’m off to bed now with my Mo Hayder book. 
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You are probably very correct.
Ego
Main character syndrome
Self centredness
Selfish tendencies
Vanity
50 shades of narc family, but not aggressively so.
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I know you know all this 
But we have to remind ourselves that as children of a parent or parents with NPD, we learned to equate narcissistic abuse with love.
And that definitely shows up in all of our friendships and relationships.
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(Bit of a brain dump, bear with pls)
My childhood experiences are with parents/caregivers that bounced between narcissism and (emotional) neglect. Things I wasn’t able/didn’t learn to do were to a) establish a space for myself in relationships and b) express my emotional and relational expectations and needs.
Surprise, surprise, I ended up gravitating towards narcissistic people for friendship and relationships. It was just easier to let the other person(s) occupy all of the space and talk/think about themselves because that let me off the hook to put in the hard work and establish a healthy balance in my relationships.
When I started identifying this character flaw (through a lot of therapy and self-reflection!) and wanted to change my relationships, I once again came up against a brick wall and rightly so - my friends and partners simply did not understand why I was all of a sudden adamant that I needed my space and attention on me in relationships too.
Fast forward to today and I have needed to part ways with some of those people, not because I resent them but because you cannot expect others to change their character just because yours has developed in a different and more healthy direction. I do sometimes miss them, though, like you would people that have been part of your life for a little or even a long while.
I am interested to find out if others have had similar experiences and how you dealt with them?
For those interested in learning a bit more about Childhood Emotional Neglect, here is a book I really valued reading:
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P.S.: this is another book I found helpful, albeit a lot more theoretical and meatier than the one above:
Please note: I am not trying to dish out disorders/diagnoses, everyone’s experiences are a unique puzzle. I am merely sharing a few things that have helped me along the way, hoping that the journey will be shorter and more effective for others. When in doubt, please consult mental health professionals.
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I’m at a similar place where self reflection and correcting my own toxic behaviors and tendencies have enlightened me to so much in my life.
I think everything up to the point of my sobriety were just trauma responses.
I am not angry with the people I’ve been cutting off, with the exception of my mom, but I’ll get there.
However they are angry with me for becoming so cold and inaccessible.
I feel they are incapable of realizing their part in it. They’d rather just call me crazy or closed off.
Which is fine.
I am at a place where I just feel sorry for their limitations.
Thank you for sharing some of your story, Dirk.
I know it’s not easy. Well for me it’s not always easy, but I appreciate this little community we’ve all created because I think it truly helps with understanding and healing.
I’m going to look into the books you’ve mentioned. 
One I’ve been working through is called ‘Out of the Fog’
It’s ever so validating 
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Reading that first book I listed may actually be helpful, it taught me that it’s more important to break the generational cycle than to stay angry at parents 
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I recently went on a small learner session about attachment styles. I’m pretty much a mix of anxious (majority)/disorganised attachment. It was really interesting to hear about.
It’s only by (re)forming safe and trusting attachments that we heal and this comes in the uncomfortable space of: being honest, holding boundaries, saying what you want and need, saying no and saying yes with true intent and belief, making space for your voice, standing firm even when you want to soothe others above your own discomfort and being true to your own emotional needs. It’s hard work when you have had zero emotional brickwork, but it’s not impossible, far from it. If you just stay in the old patterns, nothing changes. Whodafunkit!
That’s kind of the beauty about the space we are in healing, we can do these hard things and step into grace and power. 
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