102 days since my final relapse!
Had a craving yesterday. But blew it off fairly easily. Hungry angry lonely and tired was working me. Had a nice dinner and got 10 gours sleep.
Feeling much better today. Im on the ocean headed to the crab grounds.
Two day soak… hopefully our gear is full of crab. We are on a every other day grind. Crabbings slowing down. Im glad. Im burnt out.
We didnt catch alot of crab yesterday. They are getting harder to find. The season is pretty much over.
We are going to let our gear soak for three days now.
Seven weeks into the season. Its normal. I expect six weeks of good crabbing. Thats what i got.
I have been feeling really good. Been high on life. The new job went better than expected.
The trip before yesterday, my boss was being hard to work with. We laid off our bait guy because we arent catching alot of crab.
We have to bait everything in between strings. Its not a big deal, but it slows down the speed that we can run our gear. We need an extra 10 or 15 minutes to be ready. He just needs to drive a little slower to the next string.
He wasnt. He didnt give any warning that we were getting close. Hed pull up to it and start yelling at us for not being ready. We have 12 strings so this happened all day.
We are working hard and as fast as possible and this guy who drives the boat all day able to eat and drink coffee in comfort all day keeps coming out yelling at us for no valid reason.
It started to make me angry. It reminded me of my last job, and all the bullshit i put up with because he always owed me alot of money.
My inner alcoholic started working me. I started craving a drink. It was a fuck everything kind of craving.
I knew it would pass, and i got home and felt better.
The next day was Valentines day. My relationship is long distance. Shes been cold lately. So valentines day wasn’t a feel good day for me. I didnt sleep very good.
I had to do boat chores, and i didnt eat breakfast. I got my chores done and got a pay check. I caught a ride to the bank with my coworker. The banks an hour away so we picked up his girlfriend and went to the bank.
Ive been friends with his girlfriend for a long time. We used to party. She was complaining about her hangover. I was thinking better you than me.
On the way home she passed me a bottle of cinnamon whisky. I declined but found it extremely tempting.
It just shows me that i cant let my guard down. Even when im doing all the right things. I end up in scenarios where I risk my sobriety.
I still have work to do. My anger issues run deep. Anger is my number one trigger.
People make me angry!
I have today off. No boat chores. Tomorrow some boat chores, and the next day off.
I feel alot better today.
Are you able to tell your boss how you felt yesterday when you were being rushed?
Yesterday i gave him attitude back. It seemed to work. His outbusts werent as frequent.
Just got home. Its friday and i have three days off. I have zero desire to drink.
We crabbed day before yesterday and had a good catch, so it inspired us to go today.
Today was not as good.
It was a lively ocean today, i had fun flying though our gear. Ive been geting good gopro footage.
Ive been taking pictures, but havent had time to process them. When I have had time, I’ve been downloading software, letting my laptop update its taken forever, and i get sleepy.
Tomorrow i should be ready.
The boss has been easy to work with. It definately helps my attitude. Feeling pretty good!
Your journey is interesting to read and follow. You are inspiring! Keep at it 
113 days since my final relapse.
Yesterday was a good trip. There was good crab in our gear for this late in the season. Back on another three day soak which means time off for me!
Yesterday was a lot of fun! My coworker has an infection in his elbow, so we brought one of my best friends along to help.
He’s also one of my best drinking buddies too. I haven’t been hanging out with him for close to a year now. He’s a shit talker. I’m a shit talker. Drinking beer and talking shit with him is one of my favorite past times.
Yesterday we talked shit sober, while crabbing all day. I laughed all day, It was awesome!
We started making fun of my previous employer and Leo. everybody was laughing, having fun!
I got to run the block because of my co-workers elbow injury. Its been five years since I’ve done it. I rocked it! Huge adrenaline! Its the most coveted position on a crab boat. It pays more and is less work. Its a big responsibility. you can break stuff, hurt people and even sink the boat.
I got jacked on adrenaline!
I didn’t want to touch the block on the prison ship. He was a screamer! He started screaming before you even touched it. I cant concentrate with someone screaming out the window at me. I would break something for sure. His boat was brand new. He would scream at you for dragging anything on the deck. It was a you break it you buy it policy on that boat
He is a big intimidating guy too. He’s strong! One of the toughest people I have ever met.
My first year on the boat I was scared of him. I started as bait guy for crab. It was a temporary position for 2-3 weeks of the opener. The block guy quit, Leo moved to block and I worked the rail. Things were cool then. Leo was easy to work with,
They offered me a permanent position year round. I accepted.
Leo became hard to work with. I was going to quit. It was after a halibut trip. We were putting gear away and he was being a dick for no valid reason like always, and I told him to quit being a dick or you can finish this yourself. He shut up, and we finished.
The next day Skipper called me told me Leo quit. I wasn’t expecting that, so I went to the boat, and we went fishing. We fished for two months straight. It was awesome! He was easy to work with.
Leo came back for crab, and the job sucked.
I’m glad I did it though. Skipper was a good influence because he was sober. That was good for me.
I had never fished that level before. Now I have. Other boats respect me because they know that I can.
I had a reputation of being a drunk before I fished that gig. That’s behind me now. I plan to keep it that way!
I always like seeing a fresh addition to your journey. Thanks for sharing
Man, good work on spotting the reasons for your cravings. I’ve found that if I don’t eat in the morning everything goes to shit. My attitude, my focus, my energy, and ESPECIALLY my patience. I’ve recently taken over the kitchen at my restaurant, which puts me in charge of the whole thing, and I now eat something small when I get to work, then a breakfast right around opening time. If I don’t, well, I’m a downright bitch!
I’ve had more of those fuckit days since taking over the kitchen, but lately I’ve been making things work better. We’ve had a handful of good days in a row and I feel great about being able to make that possible! It’s a big job, taking over a kitchen that is doing all the wrong things and fixing it, especially as someone who is already close with the other cooks. But I’ve done it before and I’m doing it again. There is so much pride to be found in doing things that seem hard, almost impossible, and winning at them! You know exactly what I’m talking about. Plus, the extremely physical nature make it so much better for my mental health.
Late congrats on the 100, man. You are an inspiration, as always!
I have really noticed how eating helps my attitude. It helps with anxiety. Being hungry magnifies the angry lonely and tired factors.
On the water i dont eat alot. Usually just enough to keep my stomach from trying to digest itself. A big meal makes me want to relax. On the water i dont get to relax, so i snack.
In the past, i would choose a cigarette over a snack alot of the time. And off the water I’d start drinking and then I wouldnt eat. My mind and body think alcohol is the only fuel I need when i drink.
Now I’m better about snacking, and I eat alot of healthy food when im not on the water. I feel so much better.
I never realized how alcohol effects my eating until my relapse in Kauai. It tooks days to get my appetite back after I sobered up.
My current skipper is pretty good about making me a sandwich or burrito.
The previous one would eat my food while i was working. I lose 20 pounds crabbing. Hed gain 20 pounds
My first day on this boat, I thought I had died and went to heaven when the skipper handed me a sandwich. I took a picture of it.
Congrats for kicking ass at work!
Its a beautiful morning! I got some good rest yesterday. Im feeling really good today. Ive got my camera gear all loaded in my backpack and im going on a photography adventure.
I have a little boat chores to take care of, but most of the day will be photography.
Gifts of sobriety. Feeling good, persuing art.
I also havent created any unnecessary drama in my life.
Much better lifestyle! Feeling greatful! Thats new too! Gratitude! I like it!
Have you ever done any work on the NE coast with lobster etc? Am thinking of heading to Maine to hit the seafood real hard. Been enjoying your stories. Keep up the great work with your sobriety!
So far I have only fished oregon waters. I plan to travel more. I’d like to do some lobster fishing.
Good to hear you are getting some ‘me time’. Eating is super important, but so is finding time to appreciate the life you are working hard for.
Jason, I’m sorry to hear about your past alcohol abuse. I’m still struggling with my own booze addiction and it’s a struggle every day. I was a roofer (which are known for heavy drinking) and I’m still in trades but now I do residential renovations.
Every single day I come home from work and all I want to do is drink. There’s alcohol ready and waiting for me when I walk in the door if I want. I struggle because I dont want to be the self destructive person I am when I drink. I’ve ruined past relationships, friendships and even screwed up the relationship with my daughter the first 3 years of her life. The fact that you’ve lasted this long is an inspiration to me. I appreciate the fact that you’ve turned your life around for the better. I can only hope I reach the same goal or even pass it. Thank you for giving me the strength I need. Keep pushing forward.
Thats been the biggest influence on my sobriety. Not wanting to be self destructive anymore.
I never intentionally set out to be self destructive, but thats the result every time i start drinking again.
Progressively worse.
Its a mind game. Every part of me knows its in my best interest not to drink, yet there is still a part of me that tries to paint a different picture.
Sometimes its subtle, other times its loud. Even today I got frustrated on the boat, and my thoughts got destructive.
I just had to laugh at my negative thoughts today. Thats progress. Acknowlegde how ridiculous they were, and laugh it off. Eat a snack, run the next string.
Im a carpenter. The trades are very similar to fishing as far as drinking, drugs and all the characters that come with it.
You helped me today too. Reading this on the boat calmed me down alot.
Stay strong! This forum has helped me tremendously! Glad your here!
Ah I didn’t realise that you were a carpenter Jason,so am I and the trades working on site here in the uk are have exactly the same cocaine and booze culture and its a damn shame. 
I used to build and spend most of my spare time fishing.
In 2008 the economy crashed, and work was scarce. I started commercial fishing and loved it. Ive been fishing for a living ever since.
I still build occasionally. Id like to have a shop and build cabinets, furniture and do high end finish work.
Crabbing has slowed down and the boat has a cod permit so we went on a cod trip a couple of days ago.
It was a good trip. We caught our quota. It was pretty easy in comparison to cod fishing on the prison ship.
The prison ship takes 180 tubs. We took 20.
Tubs consist of rope with baited hooks every three feet. 180 hooks per tub. Six tubs are around a mile worth of rope.
We load up gear, set sail on a 2-3 hour boat ride. Set gear, let it soak for 2-3 hours and haul it back on th boat which takes a couple of hours to haul it back.
Its a pretty easy day, in comparison to crabbing.
The boss tells me he wants to crab until the end of april. Im not thrilled about it. I feel like its time to bring the crab gear back onshore and persue other interests.
We are still catching enough crab to make money so i figure ill go with it for now.
Usually this time of year crab becomes worth more because they are harder to catch.
The carona virus has messed that up. Overseas buyers aren’t buying what they normally buy and thats kept prices low.
Cod prices are at an all time low.
So im ready to persue art. Ive spent alot of money on things I want to put to work. I need more time not fishing to make it happen.
So yesterday we went crabbing and the boss is in a bad mood out of the gate. I could tell it was going to be a frustrating day as we set sail.
It was. He was yelling at us on the first string. He wants to go fast. Im fast. My coworker is fast. But it wasnt fast enough. It was his mood, not our work.
I started getting a bad attitude. I despise being yelled at for no valid reason. I can handle it if im making alot of money, but im not right now, so I wasn’t happy.
About 100 pots into the trip, i was ready to fight. I started yelling back. I was ready to quit. He ended up coming out and working trying to speed things up, but he got a reality check and slowed down to a realistic pace.
I was already worked up, and my head started in with fuck everything thoughts. It took me a while to calm down.
The rest of the day went better.
We are going crabbing again today. I dont want to go. But i will.
Sometimes i feel strong and confidant with my sobriety. Then out of nowhere I get these fuck everything, destructive drinking cravings.
Or i feel super confident about life in general, and the feel overwhelmed with self doubt, and depression, anxiety.
Theres alot of things i need to do, but dont have time.
I need to go to the dentist. I have a tooth acting up, but i cant schedule an appointment because my schedule is unpredictable.
I have a very low tolerance for negative behavior.
Hopefully today goes smooth.
Good luck to tou. Stay strong!