Alcoholic fisherman in recovery

[JasonFisher]

First thing in the morning, skippers vibe was like it was going to be another difficult to work with day.

We’ve moved all of our gear further from home over the last week or so, so there’s some travel time.

I did all the prep work and hung out on the back deck, enjoyed the sunrise, did some thinking.

I snapped back on him the other day. I let him have it. I have never talked like that to the skipper before. Ive gotten frustrated, and yelled, but never in a ready to fight manner before.

I apologized later that day, but felt resentful that I was apologizing. By the end of the day it was like nothing ever happened.

So I decided that no matter what I would just keep my head down and do my job.

I decided if hes going to keep being hard to work with, I’ll give him two weeks notice and sail on.

I feel like I left a toxic relationship quitting the prison ship. I dont want to start another one.

When we started running gear, we had a good bite. Moral was good.

We were headed to another string and he made us all a sandwich. I asked how much time we had until the next string.

He told me to shut up and eat my sandwich.

I wanted to say fuck you and your sandwich and throw the sandwich overboard, but i didnt. I was hungry and went back out ate my sandwich and kept my mouth shut.

I decided i would stick to my decision make some money off this crab bite, and sail on.

It was freeing. No resentments. No destructive drinking thoughts. No big deal.

On the way off the dock, he grabbed beer.

That explains it. His change over the last couple of weeks. It has nothing to do with me.

I dont feel comfortable telling someone elses story, but he drinks like I do. Full throttle, does stupid shit.

If he starts drinking on the boat. I wont be giving any notice. Im sailing on.

[SinceIAwoke]

One change in sobriety is the ability to pause before we react, before we judge. Your story about your boss is shot through with the pause and that makes it intriguing and engaging. Your grace note of empathy with self protection running right along side it just about brought the tears to my eyes. You’ve come a long damn way from Hawaii.

[JasonFisher]

Another week closer to the end of crab season. Its Friday night, im off tomorrow. I have zero desire to drink.

I found out one of my best friends passed away this morning. I havent seen him for many years. Life gets busy and time flies. I regret not making more time and visiting.

I tried to visit him while I was in slc, on my way to Kauai, but it didnt work out.

He was diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor eight or nine months ago.

I wasn’t triggered to drink.

Instead, I reflected on how lucky I am to be alive and how greatful I am to be sober.

I’ve been feeling greatful to be alive alot lately. This is also new. I like it.

Work wasnt bad this week. I’ve been keeping my head down, doing my job, going the extra mile to make sure skipper has nothing to yell about.

I’ve been paying attention for any signs of drinking on the boat. There hasn’t been any.

Im feeling confident about finishing my first sober crab season. I dont know exactly when we are going to stop crabbing.

I haven’t been stressing over anything this week. I was letting alot of things stress me out last week. I decided it wasnt worth it. Its been a better week.

130 days since my final relapse

[JasonFisher]

We brought our first load of gear home a couple of days ago.

Yesterday we ran gear that we moved to a new location five days ago and there arent many crab there.

We decided to let it soak one more time and bring all our gear home.

By Wednesday or Thursday next week i will have completed my first sober crab season.

Im feeling really good about sobriety.

Making it through crab season gave me alot of confidence.

I have realized that any obstacle i have about staying sober and being sober I have created myself.

My thinking is my worst enemy.

Page 31 of the Big Book says “By every form of self deception and experimentation, they will try to prove themselves exceptions to the rule, therefore nonalcholic.”

Thats me. Chapter three describes me perfectly.

Thats what I focus on. Self deception.

Page 30 says “We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be has to be smashed.”

I feel as though I have accepted that. I have to stay focused on that too. I cant allow society to influence me that alcohol is attractive.

I dont feel comfortable being around it.
When I was sober for 9.5 years I was comfortable at times.

In hindsight, being around it help sew the seeds that I was missing out on something. The self deception started to grow.

Eventually, I decieved myself into trying it again.

I thought I was being smart about it. When your enemy is your own thinking, its easy to outsmart yourself.

In my opinion the daily reprieve that alcoholics anonymous talks about is when my recovery thinking is smarter that my alcoholic thinking.

If I have anything of real value to share it would be dont allow yourself to relapse no matter how long you have been sober.

I thought it would be easy to quit when I started drinking again after nine and a half years sobriety if things got out of hand. It wasnt. Self deception took over and its taken about nine and a half years to see it, and accept it.

I like Alcoholics Anonymous. I like the 12 steps.

Im spiritually challenged. there are plenty of god loopholes that I use when I apply them. Its the principles behind the steps. Principles do what they do. They dont require god to work.

Im responsible for my recovery. I have to keep my recovery thinking stronger than my alcoholic thinking.

It is today!

There are alot of things i dont like about AA. Its people issues, not the program.

The support I have recieved here has helped me! Thank you!

This forum has helped me more than anything. Its got everything I’m interested in.

Recovery, art, photography, and memes!

Much love to all the memers! Thanks for making me laugh every day!

137 days since my final relapse!

[Acall111484]

Very interesting story. Your almost to Hawaii in 3 months… that has to be eye opening. You’ll get there!! Thank you for sharing your story. Very inspiring. And one thing I do like about this app is it estimates your savings

[SobahCobra79]

Keep killing it brother and stay safe! I’m proud of all you’re accomplishing!

[Meggers]

Jason, I’m so glad that you will be having time and space to reflect on this season and this owner. I feel, in the limited scope that I have, that this boat has been very helpful for you. I know you’ve had some disagreements with the owner, but that is going to happen anywhere. I would imagine that the end of the season is when owners get the most stress. They aren’t only worried about money for themselves, but also want to make sure that their guys, like you, have enough. And everyone is tired.

I’ve seen so many positive things come from this job, for you. I hope that after you get some rest and more you time that you take an honest look at how this experience was for you. Without resentments. Without expectations. I clearly have only a tiny lenses from which to view your experience, so there are so many things that I have no clue about. But, as an outsider, I’ve seen so much greatness from you, part of it being this much better working situation.

Much love, brother. The time for nothing but art and exploration is almost upon you!

[JasonFisher]

Overall it was a good season.

I felt like it was probably stress when he started being hard to work with.

I’ve only seen him buy beer the one time. No signs of it on the boat.

Maybe its just how it is on boats. This is the 2nd boat in a row where they go from happy to have a good hand to ownership.

Thats how I feel now. I feel like he treats me like he owns me.

The prison ship was like that too. But worse. He always owed me enough money that i didnt dare quit, because i knew it would be hard to get from him.

It felt like a vicious cycle of me being miserable waiting for my money so i could quit. I’d get paid, and he would owe me for current trips, and I’d be stuck in the same position.

I quit when i was paid in full. I had about 1200 dollars worth of gear on the boat that I havent been able to get back. Which really bums me out.

I should have thought that out more. Everything happened so fast when I quit i was trying to be nice, but that didnt work.

He was being very hostile when I quit and i figured i would let him cool down and get my gear.

I didnt share how a week went by and he sent me a really shitty text telling me what a piece of shit I was and how i better not even look his way. Giving me the he would kick my ass vibe.

One of the many reasons I quit was I felt like if I did another season on the boat, that Leo and I would end up fighting. We were close, more than once.

Im just trying to make a dollar. Win, lose or draw I dont want to fight anyone. It was time to go. Id have to hurt them to stop them. Id rather not even go there. Or id end up hurt and unable to work. Joel is strong. He has a bad knee. I would have to damage it even more to stop him.

So I texted him back and told him I quit because i cant stand Leo, but now Im glad I quit because your a whiny dickhead. I told him to eat a bowl full of dicks in my reply. Twice just to make sure he got the picture. I was mad!

I was tired of biting my tongue with this guy. I probably shouldnt have done it, but it felt good. It still does.

It dont want to ever cross that bridge again. Burning it down feels good!

Then i went to Hawaii and was gone for a few weeks. When I got back, i didnt need the drama, so i never got my gear back.

I see Leo wearing my gear now. It proves he was never my buddy. Hes a piece of shit low life. I knew that before he stole my gear.

I have a reel with my name engraved on it that i want back. And a net. Im going to try and bury the hatchet and get it back now that crab season is over.

Joel makes alot more money than I do. For him to steal my stuff makes me angry and vengeful. I dont want to feel that way. Its toxic for me.

Ive been avoiding it so I dont say anything to give them a reason to make our life harder out there than it already is.

He has a 500 pot permit. We have 300. He could make it really hard for us if he wanted to.

Its ironic how crab boat skippers are tough enough to do the most dangerous job on earth but they are big babies who throw temper tantrums like a three year old when they dont get their way. They treat you like shit unless you bending over backwards for them, then they treat you nice for five minutes, then treat you like shit again.

I have gro pro footage of one of my current emplyers temper tantrums. He is jumping up and down kicking his feet, flailing his arms just like a three year old. Its hilarious to watch, but not funny at all while its happening.

It was over something stupid. His own miscommunication.

Hes got big goals for me this summer of building new long line gear in between fishing trips. I dont think its going to happen.

I just got out of prison. Im not ready to sign up for another one.

He does go out of his way to pay us every friday, which is nice… my previous employer didnt. He always had five or ten grand to keep me from quitting.

When we stack out, im going to take a week off, think about it, and probably sail on after i get my paycheck.

With this covid virus bullshit everything is uncertain. I’ll let that play out a little longer and factor all that into any decisions I make.

I still want to go to Alaska. Hopefully things get back to normal soon.

I got and stayed sober through 9/11. I get to stay sober though the Carona virus now.

[JasonFisher]

Ive thought about taking a picture of Joels boat and making a meme renameing the boat “boat full of dicks”
And posting it all over social media. It sound hilarious.

Drunken me would have done it. Sober me doesnt want the drama.

Progress not perfection…

[JasonFisher]

Happy to see you! Ive been missing your art, and positive attitude! Hope things are going good!

[JasonFisher]

So, i just got a call from my favorite bars owner. Shes a good person. She has been good to me.

When I first got back into town and started working for Joel I cashed three checks there they totalled about 2100 dollars. She got really sick and they never got deposited. Her staff never deposited them. When she got better, she found them and deposited them.

They were over six months old so the bank wouldnt take them. She told me about it and i showed Joel the checks. He took them and said he would cut her new ones.

That was eleven months ago.

Apparently she tried to collect this morning He told her that I’m responsible for them.

Im so angry! What a piece of shit. I need to calm down. Throwing this out there is already helping. Im ready to fight, but dont need the drama.

I was feeling pretty good today. Got some good sleep.

I have to use public transit to go cash my checks shortly. I have to go venture in public with all this carona bullshit for the first time.

Even though joels crabs season wasnt that good he still put at least 250k in his pocket. Makes me sooo mad! Nothing I can do.

This too shall pass. Im not responsible for it. I just feel bad that a good person who doesnt make alot of money has to eat it.

Im ready to self quarantine for a year.

[anon79808082]

I hate that. Maybe you should make that meme of his boat, lol. Hopefully karma will catch up to him.

[Gabe.G]

Yeah man, that sux.
I’m sure it’s a very small and tight knit community up there. So spread the word that he burned someone like that. Tell anyone that will listen.

[JasonFisher]

Ready for public transit

[JasonFisher]

I forget what day of the week it is. My work schedule doesnt care what day it is. Banks are closed till monday.

Thats how its been lately. Thats why i have checks to cash. I havent had and time to prepare for anything. I do have food and toilet paper though… if it gets really bad ill catch fish for food.

I spent most of my money from crab season. Maybe i should have saved. Oh well, i can make alot of art and trade for food.

[JasonFisher]

Ive already been calling it boat full of dicks on the dock. People love it! Its catching on.

Posting it on the commercial fishing group on facebook would be hilarious. He probably would assault me. Maybe i can take the beating and sue him. I end up driving his boat while he watches me make a million more dollars.

[Meggers]

Nooot that I want to promote this idea, buuuutttt…

[JasonFisher]

I have thought of the Ultimate meme! I have the perfect photo and have recently got photoshop.

I need to brush up on photoshop. Its been a long time since I used it, and i never got that good anyways, so it sounds like a good practice project.

Im justifying making the meme from every angle i can think of.

I should use the time and energy for something more productive and positive.

Ive also been kicking around ideas to get even or deliver karma, or revenge, or however else i can justify it. I have realized its just time and energy spent feeding something toxic that has wasted enough of my time and energy.

So I have decided to let it go. I need to just keep moving forward, even if it means sacrificing my gear.

Id probably look like a clown on facebook to many. Some people would love it. Other captains may think im a clown for doing it.

I’ve thought about helping the bar owner out, but it would interfere with my goals.

I have done exactly what i planned on doing this season. I invested in the tools I need to pursue being an artist. We had a good season and I was able to get more than i hoped for.

I have enough money set aside to go to Alaska. Ive always wanted to and talked about doing it. Im not getting any younger. Its time to quit talking and start doing.

I have some money set aside for much needed dental work. I just need the time.

I also have money set aside to start changing this situation with my kids.

I dont have money set aside to pay joels checks. It makes me really angry that he is like that.

If her staff would have deposited the checks then this wouldnt even be an issue. Her staff is responsible.

Ive eaten breakfast there one time in the past eleven months. The bartender tried to pour a free shot of baileys in my coffee. And three other customers tried to buy me a beer.

I was about four months sober, before my slip in Kauai. I decided I shouldnt even go there for breakfast.

Ive been living in my camper for about a year. Theres a house with a garage for rent. Im tempted to rent it and carve and make furtniture in the garage. Have a painting/photography studio in the house.

I’d keep fishing my current gig to pay the bills, until art becomes lucrative. If it ever does. I’ve lived the starving artist life before. It enjoy making it, regardless if it ever becomes lucrative of not.

Ive got a storage unit full of unfinished wood sculptures.

I was temped to stay in SLC for a while and work construction again, but the time i spent there on vacation made me realize how much I hate it there. I need the ocean. Im bored with construction. I love fishing!

SLC has aways been a toxic place for me.

My kids are there. Im not positive my oldest is acually mine.

I have a genetic bone condition. The males in my family all have it. We develop bone spurs while our skeletons are growing. I have a mild case of it. I had seven surgeries when i was a kid removing some of them.

My youngest has it. My oldest doesnt. He would be the only male on the history of my family to not get it. My father had it. His father had it. Even my male cousins from my fathers sister has it.

He looked like me when he was a baby, but I dont see a resemblance any more in the pictures of him that I have seen.

Were were really close when my X took them and left. He was four.

Its a long story. But i fought it with everything I had and lost. There was nothing fair about it. Every time i have tried to become a part of there life i was denied. The hoops were impossible to jump through. I quit trying.

Ive never spent enough time with my youngest to even form a bond. Hes a complete stranger and im scared.

I feel like I need to move through it but I dont know how.

There are many things i need to take care of from the past that I dont know how.

I just need to stay sober and keep doing the next right thing and hope I can figure it out.

[KevinesKay]

Sorry,

I had a whole response written and then I read that Joel took the checks away from you. So you cannot redeposit them.

I would sue him in small claims court for unpaid wages. There is no evidence that he paid you to begin with for those weeks of work.

[JasonFisher]

I have texts documenting the event when I told joel about it eleven months ago.

The only proof I have.